Women are confused about how to communicate with men. Let’s take a look at their top 8 issues.
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I recently polled 300 single women over forty to reveal their biggest challenges with men and dating. I asked three questions. 1. What do you really think of men at this age? I wrote an article for the Good Men Project with their answers. Here’s what they said. 2. What are your biggest problems in dating? They said this. These two articles have already been shared over 10,000 times. And the comment section is buzzing with a lively and thoughtful discussion.
I’m excited to share the research for my final question, What are your biggest challenges in communicating with men?
It’s important for men and women to learn how to communicate effectively with each other. We benefit from knowing how and why we communicate differently, so we can learn to get along better and have richer relationships. In same-sex relationships, many of the same challenges exist.
Our relationships are enriched when we put an end to miscommunication. Wouldn’t it be great if we stopped jumping to the wrong conclusions because of misunderstandings?
When you know better, you do better. So, let’s begin a dialogue about how men and women communicate.
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Single Women Reveal Their 8 Biggest Communication Challenges With Men
#1. After men email me on an online dating site, I don’t know what they want me to write. I feel they make knee-jerk judgments after I’ve written back.
Men, if you’re dating online, what types of emails do you respond to? Do you want women to keep emails shorter? More flirty? Ask a question? Let us know!
#2. I think I share too much. I’m too transparent. I want to know how much to reveal and when. It’s my experience that men like mystery or aloofness.
Men, do you like a mysterious woman? How much should a woman reveal? My thoughts on this is that people share their wounds too soon.
Dating often feels like a big dump; “here’s my baggage, can you deal with it?” I advocate for a slow reveal. It’s easier to handle someone’s hard stuff once you’re falling in love. What say you?
#3. I wonder if men say what they really mean. I don’t believe what they are telling me. I think they’re telling me what they think I want to hear.
Men, do you always say what you mean? I’m not sure most people are clear about they mean all of the time. Do you feel you need to placate your woman and tell her what she wants to hear, just to make her stop talking or calm down? My ex-husband would often ‘yes, dear’ me to shut me up. That made me mad. Have you ever done that?
#4. When talking online men send a picture of their penis as the first initial contact – wtf?!
Enough with the dick pics. They really really don’t turn us on. Really.
#5. I would like to get confirmation that men have actually heard and understood me. And I want them to pick up the phone and call instead of text.
Men, women love it when you acknowledge them. Please give us a little hint that you’re listening. It helps when you reflect back and ask if you heard correctly. Listening is sexy.
#6. In the emailing phase on the dating site, they are not reading what I have told them in a previous message. It’s frustrating, because I consider myself to be a very good communicator.
Men, if you are dating online and emailing a woman, let her know that you’ve read her profile and/or email. We truly appreciate when you reference something we’ve written. I teach my clients to find what they like in a man’s profile and highlight it in their first email. Please do the same if you want us to reply.
#7. I have trouble letting down my guard to reveal my authentic self. I find it difficult to communicate with men about safe sex. I struggle with asking for what I need and want clearly without sounding demanding and needy.
Without vulnerability, we have superficial relationships. It’s essential to let down your guard to connect deeply and intimately.
Women can be guarded for many reasons, but it’s often due to fear of rejection. And even though women are usually pretty good at expressing themselves, when it comes to dating, many struggle with how to express their needs. You probably struggle, too. So, let’s work on not making quick judgments, and give a relationship time to develop. Okay?
#8. Men don’t know how to communicate. I hate having to read their minds. They don’t say anything. Ugh!
This is a general statement, and it may seem harsh, but it is how many women experience men. We want you to speak up. We want to get to know you. If something bothers you, please don’t hold it in. Let us know, and we’ll try and be clear and open with you. Will you open up to us? No mind reading. It doesn’t work.
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Women and men, can we please be kinder, more understanding, and open with one another? Let’s work on creating an atmosphere where communication feels safe. And let’s try to really get to know how our partners think and feel. Don’t assume. Ask questions. Get curious. When you come from a wholehearted, openhearted place, dating and relationships will seem so much easier and much more fun.
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What are your biggest struggles in communication with a love interest? Please share your thoughts below.
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This post has been republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStockPhoto
One of the issues that men learn quickly regarding communication with women is that while women *say* they want men to open up and be vulnerable, it’s the surest way to kill a relationship. Not only does she lose respect for you, but all of your vulnerabilities will be thrown back at you the moment there’s an argument. I would guess that any woman who’s wondering why her husband doesn’t talk to her anymore is that he’s discovered that he can’t. He’s learned that it’s a minefield of gotcha traps, or he’ll gotten a face full of it, weaponized for… Read more »
“#3. I wonder if men say what they really mean. I don’t believe what they are telling me. I think they’re telling me what they think I want to hear.” Not always. I’d love to just flat out say “I think you’re very attractive, and I would love to get to know you more” but we’re told often to avoid compliments on looks. Some of us are unsure when it’s ok to talk about sex and wait too long making some women feel we aren’t interested. Then you get the women who feel like you only want them for sex… Read more »
If there are women out there that may take a minute to read this, and understand that I’m not trying to pontificate but just lend a bit of insight I’ll take a shot at explaining what I’ve learned (if you’ll excuse my horrible gramah and speeling). #1. This is first contact. You have no idea who he is, what type of man he is, or what he’s after. Is that not the first hurdle, to learn a bit about him? From what I understand that first e-mail is not about selling yourself, but investigation as to what he has to… Read more »
@DJ Roukan, I am blown away by the quality of this post. Every woman should read it. In fact, I’d love post it as an article with your permission. Let me know. It would be a great followup with some light editing. It’s a must read. It echoes much of what I teach about dating. Be a woman of value to attract your highest value man. Don’t try to figure out the ones who treat you poorly. Move on. I really love this so much: “He wants to go deeper? He can do that by sitting across the table from… Read more »
Hey, I’m not without skills! I’m laughing here, Sandy. “Light editing”? I’ve done the inward journey and fully accepted that I am a butcher of the written word. I’ve put editors into counseling! It’s yours to do as you please. If you can formulate it to make greater sense, do as you may. If it will help some women move past some of the hurdles they face out there, answer some questions, help them find that guy, then it was worth the effort. I utilize the pen name, DJ Roukan, always. (Personal reasons, and I figure that if it was… Read more »
@DJ Roukan,
Thank you so much for your permission to post and edit (without going into counseling!).
It’s going to resonate for so many, of that I am sure.
And thanks for being a fan. You’re going to fall in LOVE with this article 🙂
I love this person’s perspective…..Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
The picture at the top of the article does not bode well. She strikes me as bored to death and wants an escape. I don’t know how to interpret his position but it looks like he is trying. That is not a good example of a woman trying to communicate effectively, unless she really does want to escape.
Re: Men, if you’re dating online, what types of emails do you respond to? Do you want women to keep emails shorter? More flirty? Ask a question? Let us know!
OK, I will do just that. I respond eagerly to all my on line emails. In six months there have been only three or four. My psychologist has read my profiles and found nothing wrong with them and said they good and are accurate. What might I possibly do?
@Bryan,
Glad to hear you’re responding to emails you receive in online dating. Why are you not getting many emails? Who knows. Most women don’t get many either. What I suggest to them I’ll suggest to you: write to two women a day. Spend 20 minutes a day online. Search for women who have some of the character traits you like.
Be proactive, not reactive. Initiate, and you’ll have much better success.
@Paco Taco,
A profile is not a person. Meet up for coffee. You might be pleasantly surprised. AND you won’t know what they’re like until you start going on dates, will ya?
#1 seems to be what people of both genders do. So, I think people need to just deal with the reality that there are a lot of people that will make snap decisions and they might include not liking you. #2 is all about what you share. I’ve messed up with at least one woman in sharing too much, too soon. But, what you may think is being aloof may come off as being an ice queen or not opening up, etc. It’s all about the person you are talking to and what they like. Everyone is a little different.… Read more »
Hey Jimmy,
Wow. Thank you for taking the time to add your thoughts to each of my 8 points. Spot on, man. I can see why your wife fell in love with you. You pay attention. You’re thoughtful. You ‘get’ women and the importance of clear compassionate communication.
My favorite new phrases: “thin the herd/idiot filter”. I’ll have to use that with my clients. 🙂
@Anthony,
You are the guy these women are looking for! Someone who pays attention and cares about what the woman says, as she would for you.
And you’re so right. If a woman is a good communicator and the guy is not responding in a cohesive way or ignoring what she says, she will use my favorite four-letter word in dating—NEXT!
Interesting read, and surprising to me, in some ways. I guess things are different now, with dating sites, texting, and emailing. But then again, some things never change. If I had to pick one thing from this list to respond to, it would be #6. If I started talking to a woman I found interesting online, I would keep, and re-read every bit of communication. Remember the days of Yahoo Messenger? Yeah, all those chat transcripts got saved. Emails, messages, all of it. If it’s a good conversation, there’s going to be reference material there. Not just to dig up… Read more »
It’s not that I’m the wrong kinda. My inbox is just always stuffed with this jabber, and I never met one yet for coffee, and they all sound pretty much the same.
Any advice?
Well, maybe the whole online thing, isn’t your thing. I’ve talked to guys like that, who don’t want to sit around typing and reading. Nothing wrong with being that way either, IMHO. Maybe you’ll have to be a little oldschool, and meet women IRL first instead.