A New Partner Won’t Save You

It’s been almost a year since my divorce. Ever since signing the papers, I’ve chased one skirt after another. One particular girl I invested for half a year before finding out that she’s been hiding another man all along. My friend introduced the very last one. She shared many similarities with me, but she’s only interested in being friends as I expected early on. One woman after another, I tried to crawl onto safety boats. With every rejection, I can’t help but think, “I’m just a mediocre guy. No quality girl will ever take me seriously.”

All of the failures taught me one thing — focus on building my own life, don’t chase after a partner. A girl will bring security and comfort, but she’ll never be able to give me self-acceptance. I have to find it within. Also, the more I look for a girlfriend, the more desperate energy I exude.

When you’re single and coming off a breakup or divorce, instead of swiping away on dating apps, try the following.

Expand your world

When you don’t have much going on in your life, you settle. You’re easily satisfied with an average partner or not. But you accept it anyway because that’s all you think you deserve. But confident people don’t think about what they can’t do. They think in terms of possibilities.

A partner is only a part of your exciting life. Instead of placing your hope on the next person who’s going to change your world, remember that you’re the prize who’s going to turn somebody else’s world upside down. The world needs you more than you need it.

Once you become a person who’s bringing the value as opposed to the needy person who’s constantly looking for it, not only will more potential partners gravitate towards you but you’re also enriching your own life in the process.

The relationship won’t be healthy when you enter it desperately needing something

There’s a huge difference between meeting someone by chance while you’re doing your own thing and actively searching for a person to relieve your loneliness. The latter means your relationship is built on fulfilling your need more than actually loving the other person. You’re likely to over compromise yourself to accommodate them because you can’t risk losing their emotional support.

A healthy relationship stems from two adults with established individual lives. They strengthen each other’s lives. But too often, people are crippled before entering a new relationship and they’re leaning on the other person to help them recover, becoming codependent and insecure.

Being single is a perfect time to grow up

People who jump quickly from a breakup to a new relationship struggle with emotional independence—their self-worth wobbles without someone next to them in bed.

One of the best things that happened to me was isolation in college. Although I had a small circle of friends, it was very different from the sheltered life I had back home. But because I felt so alienated, I started to cultivate a sense of self separate from my family, friends, and any group or individual that I belonged to. Ultimately, you must learn to navigate the world by yourself. Otherwise, you’ll remain at the mercy of other’s opinions and fall into one needy relationship after another. If you can’t be happy on your own, you’ll never find sustained happiness.

Possibilities come from uncertainty

I’m the first one to admit that I crave a stable, long-term relationship. However, being in one often feels stagnant. Because I’m living in a comfort zone, I’m not willing to sacrifice much to gain more. Now that I’m single again, I’ve been able to make cosmic changes, from starting a local business to investing to creating my own meet-up group to learning various sports and meeting different people regularly. None of these things are likely within the confines of a committed relationship that requires a lot of time and nurturing. And, I have too much to lose.

Being single means having the freedom to pursue whatever you want, whoever you want. You’re forced to stop settling because you don’t have a comfortable relationship to fall back on.

Worthwhile love requires effort

My end goal for the past 30 years of my life has always been finding a special someone. I usually take the shortcut by brushing up on dating techniques and upgrading my wardrobe. Most of us are no different. We want to attract someone into our lives without expending a great amount of energy thriving in our careers, learning more about the world, and becoming a higher value person. All we do is swipe. Exaggerate our value. Hope we land someone who makes us drop to our knees. Where will we find that person without first improving ourselves? Even if we find one, we won’t feel like we deserve them. This is why a partner isn’t the answer. Building an abundant life of our own is.

—

Previously Published on medium

***

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything

—

Photo credit: by Tina Markova on Unsplash