Firstly, you don’t need fixing. You’re not broken, nor are you damaged goods.
But I know how much we yearn for love after a damaging relationship, in the hope it will make us feel better about ourselves.
I thought marriage marked the end of my healing journey. I had been on that journey for 8 years when I met my husband, and I believed that finding someone who truly loved me was the ultimate goal, signifying the end of an extremely sad and painful chapter of my life.
Little did I know that it was just the start of a new chapter of my healing story.
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Before I met my husband, I used to cry myself to sleep, wondering why I couldn’t find someone who treated me well. I was constantly being let down. I felt lonely and unloved and believed there was something wrong with me. I thought the tears would stop when I found the love I was searching for.
I did a lot of work on myself and had short bouts of therapy. I learned how to like and appreciate myself, and this work put me in a place where I was ready to meet someone who valued and respected me.
Surely, that was my healing done. I loved and respected myself enough to let go of people that did not treat me right and attract someone that would appreciate me. I found the love I deserved (we all deserve), and after a few hiccups, I let down my barriers and allowed myself to trust and love another person.
However, after getting married, the tears still appeared.
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Within the safety of a healthy, loving relationship, you find the permission to let it all go — everything you were holding onto to protect yourself and keep going every day.
All the fears, doubts, relief, pain, sadness, humiliation, and guilt pour out. You feel like you are falling apart and can’t understand why now, after all this time.
It’s because you are safe — both externally and internally. Your fight or flight mechanism/self-preservation mode has been holding you together for a long time, only releasing memories, emotions and thoughts you can handle at any given time. But now you are free and have re-opened your heart, it is safe to let all the deep, dark stuff out. And it must come out for complete healing.
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Having someone love you just the way you are, that has your back no matter what and always chooses you, gives you freedom. Your confidence and self-esteem improve when you feel listened to and supported. You feel more relaxed and comfortable when you are in a relationship based on want rather than need.
Being in this trusting, committed relationship and not having to deal with doubts and uncertainties gave me space to start listening to my heart and intuition. I could voice my opinions and preferences, and they were considered. This helped me relearn what I wanted and liked.
I was free to be me and gradually felt safe enough to let my sadness out and release the regret, guilt and pain I was holding onto. I could be vulnerable with this person, and he wouldn’t twist it to use against me.
Surrounded by love, respect, care and attention, I was protected and supported. So, it was time to let the deepest, dirtiest emotions and memories out before they consumed my whole life.
The invisible chains of domestic abuse will keep you trapped for life if you do not work on freeing yourself and finding a space where you are externally and internally safe.
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A healthy, trusting relationship, whether that’s romantic, platonic or professional (with a coach or therapist, for example), can help you find the freedom and safety needed to pull down the last of those overprotective barriers.
When you feel safe within your external environment, your internal environment catches on, and you start opening up. When your vulnerabilities are received with compassion, understanding and acceptance, you find yourself letting go of the chains that have been protecting you.
This is why deep-rooted feelings start to emerge.
So, rather than swallow them back down like you used to, embrace the fact that you are free and safe enough to let them out.
You know that confident, happy person that was buried under layers of emotional and psychological abuse?
She’s still there. Go get her.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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