A Quick 3-Step Guide to Build Your Boundaries and Needs

Can you do me a quick favor?

Think about what a perfect relationship looks like to you.

Take a moment and visualize how you want someone to treat you, what behaviors your partner displays, and what characteristics you value.

Then ask yourself why.

Get a pen and paper, do a quick journal session, and express why those items above are meaningful to you.

No, this is not a setup where I tell you to crumble the paper and throw it out.

You often hear about what people want in a relationship, but when you ask them why the answer is one layer deep.

It’s “how they feel they want someone to treat them and what makes them feel loved.”

Again, I am not aiming to destroy everything you wrote in your journal, but I want you to think multi-layer and shift away from the open-ended answer of “just cause.”

What you want in a relationship breaks down to your needs, boundaries, and the value you attribute to them.

That transitions into how you feel secure and connected to your partner.

Let’s break down how you can manage your boundaries and needs and create a value system that will be functional in a relationship.

Lap 1

The things you want in a relationship are not universal; something you value can be a low-tier item for someone else.

The needs and boundaries you have are often a result of your attachment style. That, in part, is how you form a connection with someone.

You develop needs and boundaries based on your view of relationships in the past. Some come from neglected items, but they can also come from positive experiences.

Step one is to identify two things:

What are your triggers? What are the negative behaviors you see from others that cause you to be upset or turned off?

Each attachment style has a different set of triggers. (Dismissive avoidant, Fearful avoidant, and the anxious preoccupied individual.)

Identify action items that make you feel connected with someone. Let’s begin with your love language(s).

Your needs and boundaries have one central focus; to keep the connection with someone strong.

You have this idea that when someone doesn’t meet your needs and boundaries, they “don’t care about you or won’t go out of their way to make you feel happy.” Right?

In reality, what is happening is that you feel disconnected from them, and you feel a shot to your core wounds. They have triggered a pain point or missed an opportunity to display an action you value.

Step one; keep the journal out and identify three behaviors that trigger you and three boundaries that make you feel loved when respected.

Lap 2

There is something I see a lot in relationships that have gone sour.

You feel that when you tell someone your needs and boundaries, they know what to do. It’s not that simple.

Let’s play a quick game. “I want to make a sandwich. Can you please go to the store and get me some bread?”

Well, what bread would you go to the store and get? What if you came back with wheat bread? Would that be ok?

If you can tell where I am going with this, the point is that we often express our needs and boundaries one layer deep. I didn’t tell you what kind of bread I wanted, what brand I would like, or what store I needed you to go to.

When you say, “I need someone who communicates well, doesn’t put too much pressure on me, and prioritizes intentional time,” it sounds reasonable to you.

Go a couple of layers deeper.

What do those values look like in action? For example, intentional time can be watching a Netflix series together compared to someone who thinks intentional time is an open discussion with the TV off. Opposites.

You have to create visual and action items that are guidelines for people to follow so they know what you need.

People are not mind readers.

Step two; write three action items for a partner to avoid your triggers from step one and three action items for someone to show respect to your boundaries.

Lap 3

Our instinct is to feel neglected when someone has not met our needs and has seemingly ignored our boundaries.

We all experience that feeling.

How are you communicating that to your partner? Do you go on that attack and list what they did wrong? Be honest.

Your boundaries and needs gaining recognition start with how you communicate with your partner.

“You made me feel worthless when you didn’t take time to go grocery shopping with me.”

Vs.

“Doing tasks alone makes me feel lonely, and when we are together doing them, I feel like it’s quality time we spend with each other.”

Do you see the difference in the delivery? One is accusatory and creates separation, while the other displays a feeling and an action item for your partner to follow.

Your needs and boundaries can sound needy and demanding if you don’t work on your delivery.

Step three; work on how you’re communicating your needs and the action items behind them.

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No, I am not telling you to stay with someone who consistently neglects your needs and boundaries.

Once you implement this three-step plan, you will create a foundation for yourself and a potential partner.

That will alleviate anger if a relationship doesn’t work out with someone.

You did all you could, and that person wasn’t a fit for you. That’s ok!

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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