Sometimes it’s hard to see beyond the initial chemistry with someone we’re attracted to, and possibly falling in love with, to know whether this encounter is one of life’s cherry blossoms – sweet and scented but short-lived – or a deeper rooted plant which can be cultivated and cared for, to grow and flower longer. Especially when everything ‘seems’ great, but something doesn’t feel quite right.
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The Test can be done alone, or shared with your partner, but remember it’s intended as a mirror to your own feelings, so you can communicate more clearly with them about your feeling and needs. It’s not meant as a way of ‘grading’ him or her.
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This easily applied ‘Test’ is for any man in that period of transition with a partner, thinking “They are really nice/ gorgeous/ irresistible, but…. should I really plan to be with her into the future?” To identify if it is, or could become a healthy relationship , or is a dysfunctional ‘entanglement’ that should be walked away from?
I’d say that,the Test is not really needed if both of the following statements are true.
*We like each other and feel good together, most of the time – in and out of bed.
And:
*When there is an ‘upset’, it is quickly sorted, or a plan for sorting it quickly agreed, with mutual goodwill, sensitivity, a sharing of responsibility, and an absence of blaming”
But if that were true, you probably wouldn’t need to be reading something like this!
The Test can be done alone, or shared with your partner, but remember it’s intended as a mirror to your own feelings, so you can communicate more clearly with them about your feeling and needs. It’s not meant as a way of ‘grading’ him or her.
If the Test shows up any important gaps, this can give a clearer understanding of what’s going wrong, and why. Also whether there is any realistic hope of change. The aim is to help you see the reality of your situation more clearly, to then figure out if, and how, you can to move forward, rather than fall prey to ‘hoping’ or ‘wishful thinking!”
The “essentials” and “desirables” should all be adjusted, of course, to fit your own needs and priorities. These are mine:
‘ESSENTIALS’
1. VALUES/CULTURE: they are fundamentally similar, and you are both always curious to learn more about each other. Both find the same kinds of things acceptable and unacceptable; funny…and not funny.
2. SEX: there is mutual attraction; you have similar tastes and attitudes to sexuality, and a willingness to experiment and share feelings, and are a well matched in terms of preferred frequency etc.
3. EMPATHY: you’re both comfortable with sharing intimate feelings and experience, and listening closely to each other as a way to build trust and ease
4. INSIGHT: you have both reflected and worked on your ‘issues’ and are open to doing more of that – whilst not being self absorbed or too introspective. You take equal responsibility for misunderstandings, avoid blaming, and are not afraid to apologise, or forgive.
5 CURIOSITY: it may mean a similar educational background, but more importantly you have a similar curiosity for learning and knowledge of all kinds, including about each other.
6. TRUST: you both prioritise honesty; and are at a similar stage of self awareness. You have similar needs for, and tolerance for, the balance between safety and risk when it comes to intimacy.
‘DESIRABLES’
1. RECREATION and CULTURE: you are inspired, amused. relaxed, entertained and outraged by similar things, and have similar opinions about ‘beauty’ and ‘fun’.
2. CIRCUMSTANCES: it’s relatively easy for you to be together and to share significant parts of each other’s lives; you both want to know, and ultimately be part of, each other’s community and wider family in some meaningful way
5. PHYSICAL ENERGY: you have similar levels, and an equal appreciation of physical activities/fitness
4. “GENDER POLARITY”: there is a balance, and an attraction, between each person’s ratio of masculine and feminine qualities.
5. INTERDEPENDANCE: both want similar ratios of separateness/independence and togetherness/supportiveness; and recognise the importance of setting, and respecting, personal boundaries.
6. MONEY: you both have a similar attitude to and/or access to money and spending it; and share a similar attitude towards material possessions and their relative importance
How to score:
Essentials: each score 2 points; desirables 1 point. Half scores can be given.
Analysing results:
Level 1. 14 and over. You’re probably in a healthy, growing and fun relationship. There is some work to do to keep it that way, and (now)you know the ‘danger areas’ of issues which can come up between you. Share these with your partner so that you’re both aware of them and can avoid resentment or misunderstandings. If more serious ‘problems’ arise, you maybe need to do the C-Test again, this time together, to try and see more clearly what they are.
Level 2: 10 and over. Hopefully the test has helped you identify the changes that are needed to get your score higher. Share those with your partner, and if there is mutual understanding and willingness to ‘work on it’ , you can enjoy the process as you move up towards Level 1. If you sense fear and/or resistance, probably downgrade to Level 3!
Level 3: 8 and under. You are probably in a dysfunctional or co-dependent relationship. Be honest with yourself, and with your partner. There may be the possibility for radical change, but be sure this isn’t ‘wishful thinking’, If so, it’s probably better to move on, being as truthful and as kind as possible when you leave. Learn from the experience, of course, so you don’t just go on to repeat it with someone else!
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Photo credit: Getty Images
