A Simple 7-Step Process for Talking to Difficult People

I’ve had people threaten to murder my mum, yet I couldn’t take it personally or lash out.

As a police officer, I got threatened with everything you can imagine. People looked for any chink in my armor to try and hurt me and make me snap.

I spent years dealing with difficult people almost every day. No matter what you do, you can’t ignore them. The world is full of people who are petty, vengeful, angry, or unstable.

1. How I pacified a Schizophrenic waving a butcher’s knife.

Difficult people want to make you so angry that you snap and get into trouble. They want your reaction. Stay calm and do your best to ignore them. Show them that you aren’t concerned.

I used to work in a liquor store late at night and alone. A customer came in who I knew was Schizophrenic, and I’d had problems with him before.

On this occasion, he came to the counter and said, “What do you think of this?” He pulled a large knife out of his coat pocket as he spoke and pointed it at me.

My legs started doing the involuntary Bossa Nova, but I couldn’t show my fear. Instead, I just said, “Oh, that’s nice. Where did you get it?” My apparent confidence disarmed him. He put the knife away and left.

He wanted to see me scared so he could gain the upper hand. But I was in charge, and he needed to know it.

2. Chewing the fat with a child abuser.

If you can’t ignore them, maybe you can develop a relationship with a difficult person. Exerting a small effort to get to know someone helps you figure out what makes them tick. Showing interest in people can make them respect you. You don’t have to be best friends but keep your enemies close.

I had to arrest a man who had abused a 12-year-old girl. I was as sickened as anyone else, but I needed to keep this guy calm and build a rapport. He was known for harming himself in police custody, and if I was aggressive with him, he might not speak to anyone in an interview, and evidence could be lost.

I had to take him to the hospital because he had been cutting himself superficially, and we talked while waiting. I told him about my brief mental health struggles (at the time, my PTSD was in its infancy), and he spoke about his life.

It may sound sick to you that I was lauding it up with a rapist, but it meant I never had to fight him; it kept him calm and made him talk to us about the crime.

After all that effort, he got six years in prison. British justice never fails to let everyone down.

3. Can I really stop someone from killing themselves?

Wasting time worrying about things you can’t control is the ultimate folly. Maybe you have a co-worker who isn’t responding to your calls and messages. Just move on and ask someone else for help. You’ll never be able to control this person.

I had to keep reminding myself of this when standing atop a multi-story car park talking to a suicidal teenager. He was on the other side of the wall, hanging on with one hand.

I talked to him, pleaded with him, and shared my own struggles to build rapport. I told him the things I could do to help. Thankfully it worked, and he returned to the land of the living.

But if I’d done all this and he’d jumped, I had to know I couldn’t control his decision.

4. Maybe you’re the problem.

It’s easy to push the blame and anger onto someone else. But what part do you play?

Are you aware of how people around you perceive your behaviors?

Are you doing anything that might be contributing to the problem?

Are you handling the issue in the best way, or is your behavior contributing to the “difficulty?”

While working in the liquor store, I got into several fights that could have been avoided if I had de-escalated the situation. These fights arose around asking lucky people who looked young for ID to sell them alcohol and involved groups of guys trying to threaten me into serving them.

I ended up rolling around on the floor with multiple people trying to hurt me for the sake of an alcoholic drink.

5. Kindness has saved me from a beating.

Even a difficult person responds well to being respected. No one likes being shouted at or treated like they’re an idiot. If you treat them with disrespect, they may return in kind, and the situation spirals downwards.

Treat others the way you want to be treated. Make this your mantra.

I’ve had criminals help me in dangerous situations because I treated them with dignity the last time they met me. These people despise the police and may well put the boot in with officers they dislike.

Kindness goes a long way.

6. I choose not to take being called an “ugly twat” personally.

If someone is difficult with you, it’s hard not to take it personally. Perhaps you think they dislike you.

But they may be acting out against something else altogether. Taking it personally clouds your judgment and stops you from responding in the best way.

Even when people were threatening to assault my mum or calling me an ugly twat, I never took it personally. We would have passed each other in the street if I weren’t wearing a uniform.8

7. This man murdered his mother, but I couldn’t judge him.

You’ve no idea what the other person is suffering. If they’re acting unreasonably, it may be because of fear.

I had to guard a man who’d murdered his mother to stop him from killing himself in the police cells. Me and my mum are close, and I found his crime barbaric.

But I didn’t know this man, and from his behavior at the crime scene and in the cell, he had apparent mental health problems. He was almost catatonic and took 30 minutes to pee, just rocking back and forth.

My personal feelings would have hampered the situation and stopped me from seeing things clearly.

Some conflict is good for the soul.

No one enjoys interacting with difficult people. I’m thankful every day that I don’t have to deal with criminal scum anymore. I don’t have to talk to them like we’re friends, and I don’t have to listen to their sob stories.

But we all still meet difficult people, perhaps on a lesser scale. They don’t have to ruin your day. While you can’t do much to change their behavior, you can change your responses and how much you allow them to affect you.

A key point to remember — not all conflict is bad. By learning how to have difficult conversations, you’ll grow in confidence. Someone that starts off “difficult” may turn into the best friend you’ll ever have.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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