Think back to an earlier time in your life; could be adulthood, adolescence or childhood and a decision you made and an action you took as a result of your decision. Perhaps you shoplifted candy because friends dared you to. Maybe you cheated on a test because you didn’t think you would pass otherwise. How about trying an illicit drug, or cigarettes because you were curious and wanted to fit in with your peer group? What about lying on a resume to get a job and then once you get it, embezzled money from the company? And then there is the decision to be unfaithful in a monogamous relationship.
There was a moment when none of those things had yet happened and you were on one side of an ethical line…until you crossed it. What was the pivotal moment? Was it even a conscious thought or an impulsive action?
The scenarios I described above have a different impact depending on a number of factors. If no one ever knew that these things occurred, does it make them acceptable? If they led to a negative impact, such as getting arrested, getting addicted, having health problems, getting kicked out of school, losing your job or a breakup of your relationship, then clearly, there is a ripple effect.
The choices we make not only impact us but the people around us; family, friends, co-workers and on a broader scale, society. Every day we read or hear stories about famous people in various fields of endeavor, from politics and business, to sports and performance who are outed as having done something shocking that seemed out of character or, not a surprise to those in their close circles. I often wonder what goes through people’s minds before taking that leap.
Years ago, I met someone who had gone to jail, was released, was on probation and then stole a motorcycle. When I asked them why they did something that could be pretty certain to lead to re-incarceration, the response was “I got the f*ck-its.” Another version of ‘what the heck, what do I have to lose, I’m going to do it anyway.’ Guess what? They were re-arrested and returned to a life behind bars. When they were again released, this time, they were resolute in their desire to maintain their freedom,
In the therapy biz, we talk about the definition of insanity as ‘doing the same thing over and over, expecting different results’. Years ago, I had a client who gave me permission to share his story for its redemptive qualities and to model for others what not to do. He said that he had flipped that adage on its head. “I know EXACTLY what will happen and I do it anyway. I don’t expect a different result.” He said that he knew for sure that if he called his dealer, he would be in Kensington (a neighborhood in Philadelphia, known for easy access to drugs) within the hour. So he didn’t pick up the phone to remain clean and sober.
We all have a shadow and make decisions that are not in our best interest and those of our loved ones. It is a conscious process that requires being in integrity with ourselves and others in our lives. If it is something I don’t want other people to know about, that is an internal red flag. The potential fallout is too big a risk.
Let your conscience be your guide. When I consider the concept of conscience, what comes to mind is Jiminy Cricket, or the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. What do they say to you when you reach that crossroad and pivotal moment? Another exercise I do is to ask myself, “Is what I am about to do going to bring me closer to or farther away from the life of my dreams and desires? I also visualize the life I would like and ask myself what I am going to do in order to bring my dreams and desires to fruition?
People sometimes say that if they knew then what they know now, they would have made different choices. My encouragement to them is if a similar situation arises, make those different choices.
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