Let’s do a quiz!
It’s about illicit out-of-network sex, duh! My specialty. Let’s teach you guys what is the correct answer. It’s easy. Even a cave man can get this right, I promise.
How do you reply to a potential affair partner online?
A. Hey
B. I’d like to see u
C. I need a pic
D. Send nudes
E. I’d love to chat before exchanging pics
What do you do on a first meet?
A. Don’t offer to buy a coffee
B. Complain about Starbucks or Dunkin Doughnuts
C. Ask to sit in your car since this place is “too open.”
D. Out of nowhere, ask, “Are you waxed?”
E. “You are more beautiful in person!”
How do you follow up on a first date?
A. Nothing
B. Delete your profile and disappear from the internet
C. “I’m not feelin it.”
D. Want to fuck?
E. “What would you feel comfortable with as a next step? I’d love to see you again.”
How do make the first move?
A. “Can I touch them?” while leering at your boobs.
B. Do you wanna go to a motel?
C. Let’s get to know each other in the back seat.
D. Blow me?
E. Lean over and touch her hands gently and say softly, “I’d love to show you more of how turned on I am.”
How do you set up a hotel meet?
A. My wife controls all the money. Can you pay?
B. Let’s use your car. It’s bigger.
C. I can’t use DayUse.
D. What if someone will see us?
E. What do you feel comfortable with? What place is good for you? I can make it happen.
What do you bring to a hotel meet?
A. Myself
B. Nothin, since she will take care of it.
C. Wine and chocolate.
D. Lube and massage oil.
E. “Is there anything I can bring?” plus both C and D.
What do you do after orgasm?
A. Roll over and commence buzzsaw imitation
B. Ask repeatedly, “what did you do with the condom?”
C. Shower alone, look at watch saying, “I’m late, gotta go” and leave.
D. Leave cash on the nightstand out of habit, then remember to pick it up without drawing attention.
E. Entwine legs and stroke, pet, and chat until we are both ready to go again, or we need to leave.
First contact after sex date:
A. Nada until you message me, then say, “I’m busy.”
B. Nada until I’m horny again
C. “You are too kinky (or too vanilla) for me,” see ya.
D. “I don’t know if I can do this again, the guilt is killing me.”
E. “Wow! You are amazing, when can we see each other again. I don’t know what it was you were doing with you _________, but it rocked my world.”
How do you communicate between hook-ups?
A. “I’m super swamped right now. Check in later!”
B. “Ya know, this is getting a little much.”
C. My window is during lunch and late at night.
D. “Family time” is sacred.
E. We communicate as much as possible within the parameters of our existing lives.
How would you keep the affair fires burning brightly?
A. She’s lucky to have me.
B. Waddya mean?
C. “This is supposed to be fun…” with whining.
D. Send me nudes
E. I’m a lucky bastard and I show her every chance I get.
Dudes/monkeys, it’s simple, stupid!
E all the way. E is for easy peasy. That’s the correct answer to this affair multiple choice quiz.
I can show you the way cause I’m your Ashley Madison fairy godmother.
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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.
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