All Human Life Involves Pain —Most Suffering Comes From Avoidance

Human beings are built with an innate drive to avoid pain and suffering. That’s because pain and discomfort directly indicate that something is wrong or needs fixing.

What if, instead of avoiding the pain of navigating the many hurdles of life, you decide to embrace them and take proactive steps to find meaning in life despite the suffering?

Should people be willing to endure pain and hardship to achieve something that will make their lives better in the long term? Or should they avoid any sort of unpleasantness at all costs, even if that means sacrificing short-term benefits?

These questions have been discussed by thinkers, philosophers, poets, and theologians for as long as humans have been able to reflect upon them. And while there is no definitive answer, we can gain insight into these issues by thinking about what aspects of our experience make up painful experiences and how we might choose to respond to them.

So much human suffering comes from our desire not to avoid anything unpleasant. Avoidance will inevitably lead to unhappiness and distress unless addressed and resolved.

“The more we try to avoid the basic reality that all human life involves pain, the more we are likely to struggle with that pain when it arises, thereby creating even more suffering,” says Russ Harris in his book, The Happiness Trap: How To Stop Struggling And Start Living

We don’t just suppress painful feelings any time they appear; instead, we constantly keep them under check so that they don’t cause us any harm.

The problem with suppressing or avoiding painful experiences is that sooner or later, they will resurface in some way at the next stage of your life.

Everything that remains unresolved or pushed aside without thought sometimes comes back stronger than before because of whatever triggered it in the first place (e.g. guilt, shame, low self-esteem). Fear is often the reason we avoid challenging experiences.

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved,” says Helen Keller.

When you live in denial about your circumstances, the outside world will find other ways of hurting you. This can come in the form of emotional pain or mental anguish.

Pain is inevitable and a part of life that we all experience at some point. However, how we react to pain can determine whether it’s the start of something good or something that will grow into an abyssal pit of despair.

If we keep running away from anything that makes us uncomfortable, then sooner or later, we are going to see suffering everywhere: in ourselves, in others and in how we perceive life.

Resistance is suffering — cultivate presence

“The avoidance of suffering is a form of suffering. The avoidance of struggle is a struggle. The denial of failure is a failure. Hiding what is shameful is itself a form of shame,” argues Mark Manson.

In a world saturated with commodified images of happiness, freedom and self-fulfilment, it is no surprise that many today struggle to reconcile their desire for purpose and meaning with the demands of daily life.

Those who have been through long periods of loneliness or isolation may be especially likely to experience existential angst.

In his book, Being And Nothingness, existentialist Jean-Paul Sartre argued that human consciousness was incapable of understanding itself as an entity existing in the universe. In other words, we cannot understand our own being because this concept defies our ability to think in terms of an individual self-existing independently from the rest of the world.

Instead, Sartre believed it was essential to see ourselves not just as a thing but also as a process. We are not just what we do but also how we do it; not just what we say but how we say it; not just who we are but also how we experience life.

By avoiding feelings or situations we fear, we avoid new and unfamiliar experiences and the possibility of something good or bad happening.

Instead of growing and learning from such experiences (good, bad, and challenging), we become stuck in our current state of affairs and, therefore, unable to advance.

When we feel afraid, we must acknowledge and confront this fear head-on instead of running away from it. It is also essential that we do not let our fears keep us trapped inside, where they can easily consume us.

Realising this is the first step towards overcoming them.

The moment we try to escape any discomfort or suffering, we are creating more of it. If anything, by trying to avoid pain and discomfort, we create an even greater challenge for ourselves. It’s like fighting fire with fire: the more you fight it, the stronger it becomes.

“Fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself,” says Paulo Coelho.”

So instead of running from what scares us or makes us uncomfortable, let’s cultivate presence. Let’s face whatever is there and see where it takes us.

As a general rule, avoiding suffering comes at a high price for ourselves in the long term and for others around us.

Finding meaning in suffering

“To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering,” Friedrich Nietzsche said.

All life is full of suffering. We can’t avoid it. But that doesn’t mean we have to accept everything as it comes. There are specific coping mechanisms that we have, and they come in mainly two forms — either by finding meaning in the suffering or finding inner peace from within.

The first case usually manifests itself as denial, often accompanied by self-pity and self-recrimination (e.g., “why me?” “what did I do to deserve this?”). Denial reduces the intensity of an unpleasant experience, but if left unaddressed eventually leads to mere existence instead of living fully.

The other one usually manifests itself through attempting to improve our circumstances through a commitment to living meaningfully despite our pains and obstacles. And a strong sense of responsibility for everything around us (e.g., “choosing a better way to respond to pain or suffering or interpreting them in a way that allows us to keep moving).

Suffering is unavoidable, but it doesn’t have to dictate your life. Your purpose in life isn’t to endure suffering. It’s to find some meaning in the suffering. When you find meaning in human suffering, you can live a more fulfilling life.

Choose to override the brain’s natural inclination to wallow in pain and suffering. Redefine human suffering to make it bearable.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of those depths,” says Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

You can draw inspiration from adversity to find strength and resilience in yourself. And you can learn from your suffering to better cope with the inevitable pain that will inevitably come your way.

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This post was previously published on Thomas Oppong’s blog.

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