One man wonders where he stands with a woman who calls him late at night for pillow talk.
Dear Sexes: A girl friend of mine often calls me late night, and chats with me (both drunk AND sober) until she falls asleep in her bed. I’ll admit, I talk back, and I like talking to her, but somehow this talking before she falls asleep seems kind of intimate to me (even if I’m not in the bed next to her, and even if there’s no phone sex involved—I’m the last voice she hears before she hits dreamland). What does this behavior mean? Should I be flattered? Worried? Should I turn my phone off late night? Or should I move in for the kill?
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She Said: Imagine a girl you could have naked in your bed every night, but just for that half an hour before you fall asleep. No obligations, no ties, no expectations. You can easily recognize that you’d be using that girl, right?
Well, she’s doing that to you. She’s booty-calling you! For lots of girls, bonding and communicating with a guy leaves us with the same afterglow and peace that having sex does for a guy. It’s euphoric. This girl is drifting off to sleep feeling loved.
But I’ve found that if I’m really interested in a guy, I wake up in the morning dying to hear what he’s going to say. Every time I look at my phone, I get excited thinking about his voice. And when you feel like that, you just can’t wait until bedtime.
If she’s also communicating with you throughout the day, then maybe she’s not using you, maybe she’s just apprehensive about making the step into “more than friends” territory. So be honest, tell her you want more. If she doesn’t want more, then cut her off. Save that intimate time for someone you can truly be intimate with.
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He Said: How many “friends” do you chat with while falling asleep in your own bed? The only people you should be regularly talking with, under those circumstances, are your boyfriend, your girlfriend, or your sex friend. And just so we’re clear, those people should be IN your bed while you’re talking to them.
This girl likes you. And she’s insecure (or scared). She doesn’t have a real-life boyfriend right? So you’re the substitute. Girls fall in love through conversation. Your “friend” is getting high off your words, without having to risk rejection in the flesh. So yes, be flattered if you like. But be warned. You’re the SUBSTITUTE teacher. You’ve got the gig for the time being, but eventually the real teacher comes back, and you’ll be forgotten, and pushed aside. Stop running up your cell phone minutes. Start hanging out with a girl who likes you (and herself) enough to share her bed (and not just her voice) with you.
If you have a question for Josie and Eli, ask it here.
Originally appeared at SheSaidHeSaid.
—Photo Alpenas Imagens/Flickr
“How many “friends” do you chat with while falling asleep in your own bed? The only people you should be regularly talking with, under those circumstances, are your boyfriend, your girlfriend, or your sex friend.”
Eh. I do that. And with female friends as well. So that would basically mean I am also lesbian/bissexual and did not even know about that. AND that I am doing something oh so wrong, I SHOULD NOT DO THAT! Ridiculous.
Maybe…she just likes talking to you? Why read into it?
I have guy friends I like talking to but I wouldn’t want to get romantic with. It doesn’t mean anything; they’re friends, we talk, no big deal.
However, if the writer actually likes this woman romantically and he’s not asking her out, I don’t understand what he thinks is going to change about the situation. If you like her – ask her on a date! Don’t just deconstruct her every word in an effort to make it a risk-free bid.
In the 70’s platonic relationships were tested w/ innocent support and conversation, separate from sexual identity and mating rituals. Goal was to change 50’s sociology of parental units, regarding communication as an effort, an exhausting job w/ no redeeming social benefits. Children were seen and not heard.
This young woman may have grown up in same 50’s household of work first. Communication is a gift, not foreplay. If you don’t want to give w/o investment “return” of sex, then don’t. Talk to a wall. Watch TV.
I love this comment. So true.
I’m with Josie. Sounds like it’s put up or shut up time. You deserve better. Be honest with her and if she wants to stay in the friend zone then it’s definately time to move on. The only person who will be losing out if it continues is you on this one.
How does he lose, exactly?
The problem would arise if he became attached to the woman in an intimate way, and then she ditched him once she found a boyfriend. If this guy comes to depend upon her intimacy and then one day she got a boyfriend, these conversations would probably disappear from his life. At least the ones right before bed. I’ve known tons of people, men and women but particularly women, who have someone on their life that boosts them up and makes them feel loved, but doesn’t give all of themselves. That is not the same as having a legitimate male and… Read more »
Well sure, I agree with all that. But if they’re both single and they’re both getting something they value out of it, I don’t see what the problem is. I agree they should discuss it though and figure out if they want it to go further or not – and there’s really no reason to assume she doesn’t want that, even though she might be hesitant or just want to take it slowly. But really, if it turns out she doesn’t want it to go any further, a “substitute” is perfectly OK too, so long as they both know what… Read more »
Because it’s only stunting his growth. He’s the one with the full on crush. He needs to make a real bid to be her life partner and not just some component.
If you don’t know this please believe that ladies like a man that challenges their femininity not someone who’s conquered by it. If the friendship goes on in this capacity he won’t be able to move on to someone that trully appreciates him.
Geesh, I’m a woman and I don’t see where being good friends with a man (and I do have many close male friends) is either “challenging” or “conquering” my femininity. I don’t even know what that means. 😀 And we have no idea whether he’s the one with the full on crush – she could be totally in love with him, and he could just be looking for a one nighter, for all we know.
Sigh…..The dude is P-Whooped…okay…P-Whooped!
He should only stop talking to her if he absolutely can’t get past romantic feelings for her. Maybe take a break from the nightly talks, and see if they can rekindle the friendship after he’s found someone else or moved on. Otherwise, if he’s actually enjoying the nightly talks, I don’t really understand the problem. He doesn’t make it clear in the question whether he wants a relationship, a friends with benefits situation, feels uncomfortable with that level of intimacy, or if he’s concerned he’s getting her way of finding a boyfriend.
Wow, most of the responses are very sad. I hardly even know what to say to people who consider talking to someone of the opposite sex that they aren’t sleeping with “using” them. He says he enjoys talking to her, so who is being used? So they’re both single and could use some emotional intimacy and comfort – what’s the problem, so long as they enjoy each other’s company? As for whether it could turn into anything more – sure, it might. You didn’t say how long this has been going on or how much you see her outside of… Read more »
Absolutely! I completely agree.
It seems really useless to ask a bunch of strangers to interpret someone’s behavior when one could just be direct and figure it out for themselves.
you’re what they call a “beta orbiter” look it up and take the red pill!!
Talk to her. Decide what you want and ask for it. If she says, no? Don’t answer her calls late at night.
I was thinking the exact same thing, only in a different order. Decide what you want (because it’s unclear if “in for the kill” means sex or a relationship or whatever. Before he talks to her, he needs to decide what he wants, and what he will or will not accept. Then speak to her.
Agreed, but if she says no, it’s not necessarily a reason to stop taking her calls, either. Either he enjoys her company for what it is, or he doesn’t. If he doesn’t, and he’s just pretending to enjoy her company because he thinks he can get laid, then he shouldn’t be talking to her by now anyway.
I live in fear of desexualising a relationship to the point of having that cherished companion consider me a sibling….Yuck!
He needs to bounce that time vampire off his bed ASAP!
Agreed. The writer is the much-beloved Gay Best Friend–the male voice who provides sympathy, understanding, and a patient listening ear without bothering her for all that awful sex-and-relationship junk. It’s a variant of the Friend Zone, and it’s simply exploitation to meet HER needs and ignore yours. Don’t put up with it.
How do we know she’s ignoring his needs? He says he enjoys the conversations, so he may have a need for emotional intimacy too.
Because men “putting up” with women and not being prized with sex = exploitation of the poor dude. For most men that is how they see it. Yes, pathetic, I know. Friends with a woman? Enjoying a woman’s company for something other then just to be “rewarded” with sex after it? No, that does not exist. Women are there to be a kind of sexual relief for most men, not to be human beings they can have great non-sexual times with. Yes, we live in a world where men could care less about women or talking to women unless they… Read more »
Both like talking to each toher. Both have been doing that and only that. The guy didn’t even mention any needs he could have, nor did she. Get a grip.