Codependence expert Ross Rosenberg helps us understand the draw and power of unhealthy relationships.
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Men and women always have been drawn into romantic relationships instinctively, not so much by what they see, feel or think, but more by an invisible and irresistible relationship force. I’m a seasoned psychotherapist, professional trainer, and recovering codependent, and I call this compelling and seductive “love force” the Human Magnet Syndrome. “Chemistry,” or the intuitive knowingness of perfect compatibility, is synonymous with the Human Magnet Syndrome. This is the attraction force that brings compatibly opposite, but exquisitely matched, lovers together: codependents and narcissists.
This magnetic love connection predictably begins like a fairy-tale, but quickly morphs into a painful “seesaw” of love and hate and hope and disappointment. The experience of relational perfection is really just a guise for the temporary suspension of pathological loneliness, an excruciatingly painful condition that plagues both codependents and narcissists. At the end of the day, the codependent’s dreams of a soul mate invariably dissolve into a “cellmate” reality.
The main thesis of my book, The Human Magnet Syndrome, is that codependents and pathological narcissists are naturally attracted to each other because of their opposite but compatible personality types. Codependents typically lose themselves in relationships in which they provide the lion’s share of love, respect and care to others while neglecting to obtain the same for themselves. Conversely, narcissists fall deeply in love with selfless caretakers (codependents) who satisfy their emotional and personal needs with no demands of reciprocity. As partners, they create a dysfunctionally compatible relationship. The same magnetic force that brought them together also bonds them into a long-term and persistent relationship.
The following poem I wrote paints a picture of the Human Magnet Syndrome from the codependent’s point of view.
Codependent Love
Codependent love is illogical,
transient and shapeless.
It resists definition.
Defies explanation.Good, bad,
healthy, dysfunctional,
long-term or fleeting.
Here, there
and nowhere
It is just what it is.It is paradoxical.
Pain beckoning hope.
Sly like a fox.
Pretending to be big,
happy and permanent.It’s like a shiny new diamond
Larger than life
Symbolic happiness
Sparkly deception
Promising forever smiles.This love lies!
It promises delivery
from eternal loneliness
But perpetually disappoints.Look in the mirror!
Gaze deeply into the face
that needs to love you.Look carefully
Because that same smile
will eventually be on the face
Of the lover you always deserved.
Photo—flikr/flickr
This article literally captured my experiences and put words to it. I hadn’t ever considered myself a codependent, however I very much relate to the description here. And, historically, have landed men who are narcissistic (the one I married and am now divorcing appearing to also have signs of a borderline). I look forward to reading the book you reference and thank you for this valuable moment of clarity.