Cluttered, busy, and chaotic.
That was how life felt on an hour-by-hour basis.
I wanted calm.
I thought I wanted calm.
Actually, I created chaos.
Chaos allowed me an excuse, a reason, a diversion from feeling my feelings.
Pain, hurt, and suffering was there, deeply embedded into my being, but I did not have to fully feel it.
My feelings, my emotions, were numb. Dulled by years of intense anger, hate, and jealousy.
I always knew I was not happy, and I did anything I could to keep my mind off of not being happy.
If I had a moment of quiet, silence… a pause of any sorts…
I felt the pain. I felt the chaos. I felt the suffering.
I felt feelings.
I wanted them to go away. But they would not go away. They were mine. I owned them.
Avoiding them caused me to own them more. The chaos of life allowed me to avoid becoming happy.
I would just rather be numb. Feelings were scary. Feelings were for feelers.
Feelings caused me to suffer.
There is a Buddhist philosophy that states that ‘What you resist persists’.
I resisted feeling. So my feelings persisted. I was holding onto my pain.
I wanted my pain more than I wanted to be happy.
I loved my suffering and would not let go.
My suffering and pain continued to grow as I resisted, and eventually I shattered.
What we resist persists.
Luckily, mine continued to increase, and I was forced to make a decision…
Remain shattered and have nothing… or face my emotions and heal.
When the level of our suffering exceeds the level of our ego, we recognize the need for change.
I decided to lean into my pain. I decided to listen to, to feel into, to appreciate my suffering…
…so I could find a way to make it stop.
I was tired of being shattered.
With the help of a coach, I
set on a journey to understand. I felt my feelings, I listened to my emotions, I looked for reasons why my pain existed.
I found answers.
The answers came out of silence. Reflection. Isolation. Quiet. Meditation. Prayer. Calm. Peace. Aloneness. Loneliness.
The answers came when I felt my feelings. There is no other way.
It was scary. But I little by little, I understood, embraced, and accepted my pain.
I stopped resisting.
Slowly, with my coach’s support, I found meaning in the suffering. Definition.
I understood that I had walked a perfect path. I found a purpose.
Tell me your pain, and I’ll tell you your purpose.
My suffering released. My pain subsided.
Deep love. Pure love. Absolute love. Infinite love.
Then everything else changed.
What we resist persists. What we accept and embrace, turns to love.
I needed silence. I need reflection. I needed to find myself, understand myself, and embrace myself…
… to fully love myself.
Silence and reflection. Meditation.
The answers to pain are within.
Those who suffer are looking outside of them for joy, happiness, peace.
Joy, happiness, and peace can only be found on the inside.
And the inside then becomes the outside.
What you feel inside, is what you find outside.
Lean in. Get quiet. Become alone. Meditate. Reflect.
The answers are inside.
Fear no feeling, fear no emotion. They are telling you something.
Listen, and the answers will surface.
Listen, and the suffering ends.
Suffering becomes love.
And the suffering ends.
A version of this post was previously published on mikekitko.com and is republished here with permission from the author.
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