It is Thursday and I’m at the hospital, except mom isn’t beside me. Life had changed since 2020, for me it was after my mom died in 2021 a few days before her birthday and weeks before the anniversary of the pandemic.
Is it over?
Mom didn’t die of Covid-19, she died at home surrounded by us, her children, grandchildren, and her great-grandchild.
I live in the Philippines, and when the first case of Covid-19 was reported the government didn’t take it seriously, even then President Duterte jokingly called it the “veerus.” He also called on the citizens to wash their face masks with petrol.
When the government decided to take the virus seriously, it was spreading so rapidly, and like the rest of the world, a lockdown was issued effective March 16, 2020.
To be honest, I don’t recall much of what the government did or didn’t do during the early days of the pandemic. But I do remember this, on the day the government announced a “lockdown for a few days, ” I saw my Dad and that will be the last time I would see him until Mom was about to die.
I was one of mom’s caregivers. I accompany her to the hospital for her three times-a-week dialysis treatments.
In those seven years, it wasn’t easy. I was sad and would often ask myself, “when will this be over?” My life took a halt. But when mom was dying, she taught me one of the most important lessons in life,
Everything works out in the end.
It took twenty-one days after Mom decided she didn’t want to continue her dialysis treatments after she fell from her bed. She would often have an episode at the hospital, either because her blood pressure was too elevated or too low to finish her dialysis. It didn’t start that way, but it had been going on for months, even before the pandemic.
And during the pandemic, there were far more preparations needed before we get to the hospital. Permits were needed to be secured not only for her but also for me and my sister who would drive us to the hospital. Because only essential workers and people with medical needs were allowed to leave their houses.
There were also new rules in the dialysis center. We were only able to circumvent the rules because they were understaffed and I pleaded that mom needed someone to be by her side because she would sometimes fall unconscious.
And when before the pandemic, we would try to take mom to the mall, it was all that we did — go to the hospital and go home.
. . .
Her last twenty-one days weren’t easy. But we honored mom’s decision, one of my fears during the pandemic was that she would get Covid-19, and if she did I promised myself that I wouldn’t let her be alone at the hospital.
That didn’t happen, what happened was mom gave us all her final gift,
She let us know that she loved us, that she loved me.
When mom died on February 2, 2021, the cases were fewer than usual and people were allowed some ‘freedom.’ When mom was dying, I asked her if she was Ok with being cremated, and she said she wanted to be buried like her mom before her.
If mom died from Covid-19, she would have been cremated. We wouldn’t have a wake where family and friends gather to honor the dead. Mom had it all, and Dad was with us throughout.
It was the longest time we had with Dad since they separated when I was twelve.
Mom got her man in the end, the only man she loved.
In all this, a young boy was my Mom’s pride and joy. His name is Matthew, her great-grandchild. He would come to visit mom in her last twenty-one days.
In her last days, mom wasn’t able to eat or speak, but whenever Matthew would visit, she would wake up, smile and pat him on the head. Matthew would always tell mom,
I love you.
He would kiss her, touch her cheeks, and even give her some candy which she would eat. One day, he even brought her flowers he picked in the streets. Matthew was barely three years old when our mom died.
And then she would lie down to sleep because at night she was all awake and so were we.
It was another one of my fears, in those twenty-one days I chose to be the one to sleep beside her. I hardly had any sleep, because I didn’t want to, all because I didn’t want to wake up and found out mom died during her sleep at night.
She was also in a lot of pain, and it progressed until her final day.
I remember one night, I was too sleepy that I can’t stop my eyes from closing and I told mom if we can sleep.
It was one of her very few lucid moments, she said to me,
I noted that the last to go with mom was her being a mother.
On the day she died, I didn’t expect it, none of us did. I thought it was going to be another day, but it turned out to be mom’s final moment. She only waited for Matthew to come that morning,
She closed her eyes as my eldest sister was holding her, and after she told her that she loved her.
And then it was over.
. . .
After we buried mom, I stayed with a friend. A friend who had seen me struggle through the years.
We even celebrated my mom’s birthday.
I was already writing for Medium a few months into the pandemic. And when mom died, I pondered the thought of what was next for me. I was hardly making any money from the platform, but I enjoyed every minute of it, this is what I wanted to become — a writer.
It took me a month to start writing stories again. And in between, I would find myself looking for sex. I read somewhere that it was normal, or for some people, it was part of their grieving process.
I met up with a few guys from Grindr, and when the pandemic was again back in its raging form, lockdowns were again imposed. I wasn’t too worried about if I could get Covid-19 or not.
Truth was, I didn’t care if I live or die after mom passed.
After a few dates, I met someone a college professor and we have since been together since August 2021.
. . .
A life after
I come to realize that there will always be — a life after. No matter what it is, sickness, death, or heartbreak, there will be ‘a life after.’
When I wasn’t looking, I found a partner. Although it wasn’t an easy journey it is still not to this day. Finding love during the pandemic makes you ask yourself,
Who would have thought that aside from having a partner, I would have two fur babies — Phi Phi and Crocker?
Who, while I’m writing this story, are fighting over a small stuffed toy.
A family of my own. It never crossed my mind that one day, I would spend Christmas with my very own family, or that there will a Christmas without mom.
Last Christmas was bittersweet. My first with Phi Phi and Crocker and the second without mom.
The world has moved forward from the pandemic.
At the start of the year, I was feeling sick. In February I had a series of tests and countless visits to the hospital and doctors. There are a lot of things going on inside my body, suddenly I feel fatigued all the time, have headaches that never go away, have nerve pains, and elevated blood pressure.
I am also suffering from depression and anxiety.
Is it all because I will be 54 this year, or is it all because I suffer from long Covid?
. . .
Final words
It had been three years. For us who lost a loved one, from Covid-19 or not there will be a piece of us that was taken away that we will never get back. Some relationships ended, and I had friends I needed to let go of after they gaslighted me. Many couples either separated or got married.
A few weeks ago, I saw Matthew, my grandnephew, I asked him how old is he now, and he said, he will be five years old on his birthday in March.
I was dumbfounded when I think about it, and how time passed by. I still see Matthew as the boy who made mom happy in her last days. He was then barely three years old.
In the three years that passed, I have little memory of the times we celebrated birthdays, anniversaries, or Christmas. It feels that everything slipped away.
Time slipped away.
That’s it. We would all have a few things we remember from the pandemic, the people we lost, random memories of Zoom meetings, endless Netflix binges, the plants that we tried to grow, and the pets we took home because we were all alone.
And the times we asked ourselves as we were all locked in our homes — when will this be all over?
I guess it is all part of being human, to not remember everything it is how we survive. But it is all there, locked somewhere in our brains, and if we choose to dig in deeper we can bring them all back or let them slip away.
Like everything one thing always remains to be true,
And then it is over.
Thank you for reading.
—
This post was previously published on ILLUMINATION.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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