Are You a Man Yet?

I only know two ways to feel sure that you’ve become ‘a man’: one is by acting out society’s ideas of what a man is; the other is to live in a way that is true to your own idea of what a defines masculinity. The second is much more powerful because it requires authenticity, living in a way that’s true to yourself and your beliefs

Different people have got different ideas about manliness, for sure – but I think we would all agree that most, if not all, of us males have some level of anxiety and insecurity about whether we are ‘man enough’. It’s rare for us to feel confident in our manhood; mostly it’s something we feel we always have to strive for and prove somehow that we have it – to ourselves and to the world.

One explanation is down to something which has been missing in many men’s lives: a significant relationship with a father, or father figure, who validated us for who we were; was interested in us as individuals; who gave advice, encouragement and support for us to become all we could be and didn’t reserve their praise for when we acted in a way that they thought was ‘right’.  This is the essence of the ‘father wound’’ carried by so many men; the sense of lacking a strong inner foundation for our own identity, and instead feeling like we’re standing on a shaky construction put together from the approval, validation, and admiration we keep trying to get from others.

I used to work with groups of men who had committed some act of violence against their partner. When I asked about how they got on with their fathers, the answer from every single one of them was that he had been either abusive or absent! I think this inner insecurity, and the shame that goes with it, is at the root of two destructive types of male behaviour: the first is having power over other people as a way to feel manly, often expressed as some kind of violence or aggression; the second is racking up an ever-expanding list of achievements, money or status to shore up our fragile male identity.

The problem with both of these attempts to compensate for not feeling in the man-club is that neither of them work. When we look outside for the validation that we ought to find inside ourselves, we can never get enough. However much power we think we have over anyone else, it’s like a drug that wears off and soon it won’t be enough to convince us of our manhood and we’ll have to keep escalating; and no matter how much status or money we have, it won’t be long before it loses its power to show off our masculinity and we’ll be craving more. In either case, the sense of being disconnected from our own male soul, will set us on a downward spiral of inadequacy which never ends. I’ve found one of the best antidotes to this has been joining a men’s group, where we share our anxieties, and reassure each other that we’ve nothing to worry about.

In contrast, men who were given a solid belief in themselves when they were boys, by a significant older man in their lives, are the fortunate ones; at ease being themselves, and not afraid of sticking to their own value so matter what others might think; who will say ‘no’ if that’s what feels right, and not ‘yes’ because they think it’s what someone else wants to hear.

Finding validation in yourself rather looking for it from someone else, means that you are in control of your own life. Your ‘manhood’ becomes who you are as a man, not how you think you should be. In my book, this is when you are a man. But looking at the male violence that still infects so much of the world, it seems that many men still think they have something to prove, even if they have to damage others in the process. The same can be said for a lot of male politicians, who are willing to put millions of innocent lives at risk, trying to show what a big man they are.

I think it would be good for all these insecure men to join a men’s group – but in the meantime men have to take a stand in whatever way we can to show that we believe there are many ways to be a man, but hurting other people isn’t one of them.

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