Are You an Extrovert? Three Things You Can Do To Be Quieter and More Reflective

As a child, I’d regularly strike up conversations with strangers at restaurants, gas stations, and grocery stores. If my mother were in a good enough place to handle my shenanigans, she’d laugh and gently direct me away. Normally, the stranger would gleam and offer an over-the-top compliment about what a wonderful child I was. My mother’s jaw would set as she agreed, but the gentle pressure at my upper back guiding me away alerted me that none of these experiences were in any way comfortable for her.

She was an introvert raising a very extroverted child. My only brother’s an introvert too, and my extroversion exhausted them. At times, they’d pay me to stop talking, even if only for ten minutes.

A fascinating tool for identifying extroversion and introversion exists in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, used in businesses and organizations to support more high functioning groups.

According to their website:

“The purpose of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® (MBTI®) personality inventory is to make the theory of psychological types described by C. G. Jung understandable and useful in people’s lives. The essence of the theory is that much seemingly random variation in the behavior is actually quite orderly and consistent, being due to basic differences in the ways individuals prefer to use their perception and judgment.”

In essence, developers Isabel Meyers-Briggs and her mother Katherine wanted to create an easy way to identify and describe the sixteen personality types according to Jung, made up of persons,’ “favorite world (introversion or extroversion),” “information (sensing or intuition), “decisions (thinking or feeling),” “structure (judging or perceiving),” which will land your personality type as a code with four letters. I was administered the test decades ago for a job and have since taken it in various ways online and always scored the same, ENFJ, or Extroverted, Intuition, Thinking, and Judging.

I highly recommend trying the test. Through your results, scores of sites can help you understand yourself better and be more productive in the workplace and mindful in the home. Though I’d always basically understood myself to be an extrovert and seen the challenges this posed to my introvert family, the test helped me see why this is, and also learn more about introversion and what I can do to support the strengths they carry naturally into the world that I, as an extrovert, struggle with.

Introversion and extroversion describe how people like to get their energy and spend time, either in the “outer world of people and things,” or the “inner world of ideas and images.”

Often, introversion is misunderstood as simply another word for shy. It’s not. One of my very best friends is an extreme introvert who is far more social than me, an extrovert. When we lived in New York City together, it was always she dragging me out of bed to party on Friday nights, not the other way around.

The biggest difference between us once we were actually at the party is that she’d spend all or most of her time deeply involved with one or two people, or checking out the art or creative experience if it was a gallery night. She’d go deep. I, on the other hand, would want to check everything and everyone out. I suffered way more from FOMO (fear of missing out) than she and would try to spend at least a little time with each person, no matter how many groups. This fed me, made me feel electric, though the best conversations I always had, and continue to always have, are virtually all with introverts.

There’s a solid reason for this: introverts rock. They are more reflective, comfortable being alone, they’re good listeners, and like to think before they speak. They really listen and are less likely to turn the conversation around and make it all about them. I know from firsthand experience that they make the most loving romantic partners. They’re thoughtful networkers and compassionate leaders

In fact, introverts have so much to teach extroverts, maybe it’s time we stopped asking: Introverted? Here’s how to Be More Social.

Maybe it’s time we start asking what extroverts can learn from introverts and how we can become deeper, quieter, and more reflective: all traits we could certainly use more of.

1. Since extroverts need to talk their problems out, build that time into your week with a friend or therapist so you have the compassionate space available to really listen when you need to.

Extroverts are more likely to process through talk. As an extrovert, nowhere do I experience the beauty of being in a romantic relationship with an introvert as when it comes to processing my thoughts and feelings on walks or runs at the end of my day. He understands this about me and is the right receptacle for all this information because my life is important to him and he’s the most important part of my life, too. At times, I have to pause to ensure he’s really okay with me talking for hours about minute details of my day so I can understand it more, and he always assures me that he is.

What I’ve learned from this is how important it is for me, as an extrovert, to build time to process like this. Doing it with the wrong person would exhaust them and likely cause a guilt or shame spiral for me in knowing I need to do it, but not knowing who to do it with appropriately. I’m fortunate to have the listener be my partner, but prior to having him in my life, I found these connections in friendships, some colleagues, and the occasional therapist.

Once an extrovert has done this, I find it’s much easier to really get into the space of listening. Pay attention to what listeners do as they model the behavior and do it, too. Especially focus on the questions.

2. Since extroverts are energized by socializing and being around others, become a connector so you understand how to use that energy to help others, rather than focusing on it being all about you.

California based neurologist-turned-educator Judy Willis explains that “Dopamine is a brain chemical that when it’s released, the owner experiences satisfaction, pleasure, motivation and drive to keep going,” and early research indicates the extroverted brain actually has a more robust response to dopamine, which as a “catalyst of happiness can make exploring their world and socializing with others literally irresistible.”

I have experienced the downside to this rush countless times at work and in my personal life. When I’m connecting through sharing a story or experience from my own life, I get so charged I almost forget there’s another person there, receiving. This is also one of the reasons virtually all of my dearest friends are introverts, but as I grew, I realized I wasn’t being fair to them and was losing a huge gift in not listening or diving more deeply into their experiences.

At work and in social situations, then, focus on connecting with others by sharing enough about yourself to create a safe space, but ask questions and look for common ground. At work, use your ability to strike up a conversation with virtually anyone to introduce people to each other and help them find commonality, too, so it’s about them and the group, not just you.

3. Since extroverts like to open up, use this to create safe spaces for others to share authentically by getting vulnerable with intention. This turns the focus away from an extrovert who might otherwise be in danger of falling into self-indulgence with a self-centered attitude.

It’s important for extroverts to understand the difference between vulnerability and oversharing. Because we are energized by meeting new people and surrounding ourselves in social situations, talking in general, and processing through interaction, it is easier for us to be vulnerable and really share our experiences with the world. This trait in myself has helped me share profoundly traumatic and personal stories with the world through memoir, which has been no small source of vulnerability.

That said, like many extroverts, I have struggled with confusing the difference between true vulnerability, a trait that can create safe spaces for others to share (the ultimate goal for my memoir), and oversharing. Because extroverts process through talk, we can get so lost in the words, we forget there really is nothing in them for the listener. Therefore, we need to get vulnerable with intention. We must ask ourselves why we are sharing in the moment, and how this can create greater connection, awareness, or dialogue in both our social and work lives.

American society, in general, has a real bias towards extraversion.

It behooves those of us with this personality trait to stop and reflect on what introverts really bring to the party, those elements we struggle with and generally lack. Through doing this, we can also support our introverted friends, loved ones, and colleagues through this mirroring and helping create safe spaces where we can all learn and grow from each other, personality type notwithstanding.

—

Previously Published on medium

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything

—

Photo credit: iStock