Are You Getting All the Benefits in Your Marriage?

Did you know that being married can make you live longer? Not just longer, but better?

Research shows that it is the quality of your relationships that will determine both how healthy and happy you are. And there is evidence that being in a committed romantic relationship can reduce your risk of mortality by 49%–meaning over a particular time period, certain people were less likely to die than expected. And that’s what marriage is supposed to be—a committed romantic relationship.

According to Janice Kiecolt-Glaser, a psychologist and director of Ohio State University Institute for Behavioral Medicine Research, “Being married is associated with lower rates of depression and it’s connection with heart disease, poorer diets, disturbed sleep, more alcohol use and smoking, and less exercise.”

But there is a catch. The health benefits don’t come with all marriages. The relationship needs to be a happy one overall. That’s where many marriages fall short.

Too many people, maybe you, have a hard time putting happy and marriage in the same sentence. And I hear you. I don’t know anything that’s described as hard and taking tons of work also being seen as happy. Maybe in moments, but not for the most part.

I mean if couples who have been seemingly successfully married for years suddenly up and divorce, how can you think your marriage won’t end up the same way? Especially when you know what’s going on behind your closed doors.

In reality, every marriage goes through similar challenges. How you handle them determines your outcome. And, as I like to say, no one has to take a Relationship 101 class. So, you don’t even really know what you don’t know.

I recall my client Sarah literally bouncing into my office and announcing she had an epiphany. When I asked what it was, she said, “Relationships aren’t natural.” I burst out laughing and replied, “Congratulations on discovering the secret.”

Continuing to do what you’ve always done in your previously relationships will result in the same outcome. Every. One. Of. Those. Relationships. Ended.

So, how do you expect this one to last?

Yes, you are with a different person and sometimes that’s enough to survive together. But wouldn’t you rather thrive? Wouldn’t you like to take advantage of all the benefits a happy relationship can provide?

You aren’t broken and neither is your partner. You’re both just lacking the skills to be successful. You’re trying to play a game where you don’t have either the right equipment or an understanding of the rules.

The truth about how to have a great relationship is out there waiting for you. Does your marriage (and your health) matter enough for you to find it?

If you want to do something different, have a better marriage, let’s talk. Learning and applying what works is the way to greater health and happiness.

—

This post was previously published on Foundations Coaching and is republished on Medium.