Are You Jealous or Bisexual?

One of my first girl crushes was a girl named Jess in high school.

She was beautiful, funny, and one of those popular girls who was also kind to everyone. I’d spend hours looking at her photos on Facebook, wondering about her life.

I’d get nervous around her and think about things I said later. Was I weird? Did she laugh because she thought I was funny or was she just being nice?

This happened often: I’d obsess over other women. Over their appearances. I’d look at their body parts and often compare them to my own. Some of this had to do with my own insecurities, but there was something else about it that I couldn’t quite put my finger on.

Jess and I ended up going to the same college and started spending more time together. It was refreshing to get to know her outside of the context of high school.

One evening, we went out dancing just the two of us, and maybe it was the shots of tequila, maybe it was the atmosphere of the bar, but we found ourselves close together and the next thing I knew, we were kissing.

Jess smiled, grabbed my hand, and pulled me deeper into the crowd. Nothing more happened after.

But that kiss made me feel something. Her lips were so soft, her smile as she pulled away, the way her hair fell across her cheek…

All this time, I’d thought I wanted to be her, but really, I wanted to be with her.

It was in college that I started to explore my sexuality. I realized that this envy I had for other women was actually rooted in admiration and desire.

Once I realized this and accepted it, my own self-esteem improved.

Are you jealous of other women or bisexual?

I can’t tell you what your own sexuality is, but here are some questions to ask yourself that may guide you:

Do you constantly compare yourself to other women? I would look at women and think about how they were so beautiful. I thought I wanted to embody these qualities in myself, but really, I was attracted to them and wanted to be with them.

Do you get into intense female friendships? So many of my close female friendships felt almost like relationships. It often felt like we were doing everything but sex. When I started dating women and added in the physical aspect, it felt like it was the missing piece to some of my previous platonic relationships—you mean this is what a romantic relationship can be like?

Do you fantasize about women? It started with watching female porn. Though it is absolutely normal for straight women to watch girl-on-girl action, I found I was almost always more interested in watching women get it on than men. In films, I’d admire the female protagonist. I do still love men, but women are—let’s face it—hard not to fall in love with.

Do you tend to kiss girls while drunk? This was a major sign for me. In college, almost every time I got drunk, I made out with women. I was repressing my sexuality so it came out forcefully while I was under the influence.

Would you get jealous if a female friend was in a relationship? Soon after our night-out kiss, Jess started dating a guy. I’d been jealous of her growing up, and now I was jealous of him. I never knew if our kiss was more than just two friends sharing some love on a night out, but for me, it offset exploring my sexuality, and for that, I’ll always be grateful.

Our sexuality is our own to discover and explore. There is no rush or need to label ourselves unless we feel it helps with our self-identification.

Now, when I see a beautiful woman, I don’t internalize it as something wrong with me—I appreciate her for her beauty.

And maybe I’ll ask for her number.

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Previously Published on medium

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