Are You the Designated Worrier in Your Relationship?

The pattern repeated itself every time my partner prepared to go on a business trip. Around bedtime the night before his flight I’d hear him shout, “Where’s my passport?”

Sighing, I’d pull out the list of things I knew he needed and walk toward the living room, shouting the answer as I trudged down the hall. Then I’d proceed to remind him what he should pack.

You may be wondering why he didn’t’ know the location of his passport. It’s his property after all. Surely it’s his responsibility? The answer to this is, “Yes,” but he did not since someone, including me, would always help him at the last minute.

I will admit that I was to blame for my predicament as well. I could have simply not said anything and let him search for an hour. Yet I knew what would happen. I’d hear loud huffs of frustration, cursing, and inevitably he would come to the bedroom door and ask me if I’d seen the thing he was trying to locate.

This was an even worse burden if I were supposed to be accompanying him somewhere. When he’d decide he would take care of a task later, by which he meant at the last minute, I’d have to bite back a scream. I knew if I left it up to him we’d both be harried, late, or unhappy.

That partner wasn’t the first or the last man for whom I’ve played the role of a designated worrier. There was one boyfriend who decided to cook dinner for my birthday. That was his plan anyway. To be clear his plan was to make me dinner. He didn’t’ look for a recipe ahead of time and his nearly empty kitchen had none of the ingredients he needed.

So the evening of my 24th birthday I helped him search for a tasty dish and went out to buy the ingredients. Then I taught him how to prep and cook the meal. By the time he presented the dish to me I was sweaty and a bit angry that I’d done so much work for my own gift.

Another man surprised me by saying we were going to a movie. Yet we only made it to the lobby. The time was wrong and even if we’d been on time, the tickets were sold out for the whole evening. I feel bad. He truly believed that love would find some way.

It took a lot of willpower to not say, “You know what else helps one find a way? The bare minimum of planning.”

The next time we wanted to go see a movie I located 3 nearby theaters and found 6 separate showings that worked for us. I wrote down directions to the mall and researched the price of tickets. I even bought candy to sneak in since I knew he’d decide that the concussion line was too long.

Each time I took care of the details because it was easier. Or at least that’s what I convinced myself for a long time.

At some point, probably while I was meal prepping for two alone again, I realized it was only easier for one person in the relationship. And that person was not me. Yet it seemed like it is my curse to constantly fall in love with cool guys who were incapable of planning out the details of their lives.

I wanted to be the chill girl. But some of the way-too-chill dudes were making that very difficult.

Frankly, I don’t like to panic about preventable disasters. Being prepared is my love language. This isn’t to say I don’t enjoy a spur-of-the-moment outing or romantic gesture. Yet only within reason. If my partner were to take me on a hike I’d hope they’d bring extra water, a first aid kit, and extra warm clothing. Yet I know in my heart I have to ask because none of this is probably in their trunk.

I’m tired of being the designated worrier. No more will I be the one to inquire about the date of an event when I’m supposed to be their plus one. I can’t bear to be solely responsible for making sure the closet is stocked with toilet paper. And Lord save the next man who needs me to point out that their gas indicator is blinking on empty.

I’m done. I can’t do all the worrying for some dude who wants to be laid back. You know what the truth is? Behind every super chill partner is the other partner who is very resentful of having to always worry about the details.

So decide if being a designated worrier is right for you. I won’t deny there are probably those out there who adore being the go-to person in the partnership. And if that’s you, I wish you happiness. But if taking on the burden of worrying about the details of big events and daily life isn’t what you want, make sure you don’t fall into that role.

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Previously published on medium

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