There’s nothing quite like the feeling of new love, when simply seeing the object of your affection rounding the corner in your direction can make your heart start pounding with excitement. There is no rollercoaster I’ve ever ridden that feels quite as intense as the stomach-dropping sensation I’ve experienced during romantic infatuation.
Often, the butterflies that accompany the passion-driven early stage of love are simply your body’s way of registering happy anticipation of your next interaction with your crush or partner. After all, it’s a time when everything feels hopeful and brimming with possibility.
But not all butterflies are signaling something positive. When it comes to infatuation, there is a crucial difference between excited jitters that peak and then dissipate relatively quickly, and anxious jitters that will steadily gain strength until they transform into full-blown dread or panic. This is your body telling you that something about the emerging relationship is unsafe — either physically or emotionally, or both — and you’d be wise to pay attention.
If that sounds difficult to accomplish when your brain is love-drunk, you’re right: it is extremely hard to trust and really listen to your gut. You are likely still in the stage of magnifying your partner’s good qualities and minimizing (or outright ignoring) the less desirable ones. You’re probably also putting a lot of effort into how you are presenting yourself to that other person. And then there’s the dopamine rush and other feel-good chemicals released during infatuation. So you’re distracted, to say the least.
There are signs you can spot if you know what to look for, however. First off, do your jitters make you feel energized or depleted? Happy butterflies are tied to individuals who fill our cup with positive attention, kindness, affection, etc. They make us feel like we can do almost anything — like we don’t need food, sleep or even coffee. We feel stronger both independently and in the presence of our partner.
Anxious jitters are exhausting, nasty little things. They cannibalize our inner resources, cause us to question ourselves and our perceptions, and leave us feeling paralyzed rather than motivated. They make us feel dependent on another person for happiness and hollow when that person is absent or doesn’t meet us halfway.
Another way to distinguish anxiety from anticipation is to monitor intensity and duration of the feeling. Excitement will build when we know we’re going to see or talk to someone we’re crazy about, and then once that interaction takes place we should feel happy and (at least somewhat) relaxed. But if we’re anxious, any feelings of relief are usually temporary and are quickly replaced by a new round of snowballing doubts or questions such as, “What if something goes wrong after this?” or “What if they change their mind about me?” or “What do I need to do to keep them interested?”
“Oh it’s funny how / the warning signs can feel like they’re butterflies.” (Halsey, “Graveyard”)
Every relationship between two people is unique, of course, but there are some common red flags during the infatuation stage that might be pushing you into anxious mode. Perhaps your relationship is one in which you’re doing most of the work and the other person is reaping the benefits with minimal effort. Perhaps your partner runs very hot and cold, sending lots of confusing mixed messages. Perhaps there is great physical chemistry but they find ways to avoid letting you all the way in emotionally. All of those scenarios are fertile soil for anxiety.
When passion is driving a new relationship, even knowing what to watch out for may not be enough for you to pump the breaks when you spot a red flag. And that’s okay. But in a healthy pairing with long-term potential, the butterflies will eventually be replaced by a feeling of stability and security — perhaps less exciting than the rollercoaster sensation, but certainly more sustainable and rewarding.
If time is passing and your “butterflies” are only growing more frantic, they may be trying to tell you something. Don’t ignore them.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Shot by Cerqueira on Unsplash