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From an anecdote in “Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most”, by Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen, a student observed O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba demonstrate technique. He asked O-Sensei how he never seems to lose his balance.
O-Sensei replied, “I’m constantly losing my balance. My skill lies in my ability to regain it.” As the Martial Artist, O-Sensei was the GOAT, the Greatest Of All-Time. Even before GOAT was such a distinction. Coming from O-Sensei, balance is on-going, constantly recreated and reinvented.
Balance is a fundamental distinction in Aikido. When I wait out the attack, match up, and have balance, I can throw a 300-pound man to the ground. Balance makes the seemingly unlikely, possible. As Sensei Dan would tell me, “Just train.” Balance takes a shit load of practice that never ends. From personal experience, balance is never constant. Rather balance is ebb and flow.
Not just for Aikido, I believe that O-Sensei intended that mastering balance includes living Life. Perhaps, life is the Art in Balance. That would seem about right.
O-Sensei said, “True victory is victory over oneself.” That’s balance. Over the years, I get that I’m my greatest opponent. Well, how does one go about “defeating” oneself? Maybe, victory over oneself is about letting go, giving up having to prove I’m good enough or that others are way better than me. There’s power is being able to say: So what?
Profoundly O-Sensei said, “Those who are possessed by nothing possess everything.” I believe that O-Sensei is talking about me accepting me, my strengths and frailties. He said, “Opponents confront us continually, but actually there is no opponent there.” There’s no outside or external opponent, only me.
Discovering that balance within me and in life is my continual training. Like O-Sensei said, “My skill lies in my ability to regain it (balance).” I’m constantly thrown off balance be it throwing someone in iriminage off the wrong foot in Aikido or getting a message on Match dot com from a woman wishing me well, but saying: “We’re not a match.” The Art in Life is constantly regaining balance.
In “The Art of Peace” O-Sensei said, “There are no contests in the Art of Peace. A true warrior is invincible because he or she contests with nothing. Defeat means to defeat the mind of contention that we harbor within.” Peace is found in our balance within ourselves.
We begin to discover balance when we offer no resistance to life. We begin to accept what is. That ain’t easy. At least for me. We really have nothing to do with the actions of others. Yet, Werner Erhard reminds that we get to choose who we are going to be in any moment. We choose what we say, what we do, and how we be.
Perhaps, the Art in Balance is accepting what I am and what I have right now. For me, it’s constantly giving up that “I suck.” Or giving up that “It’s all about me.” That becomes increasingly challenging in the era of Social Media, the Consummate Comparison Game. Like from the movie “Crazy Rich Asians”, Michelle Yeoh’s Eleanor tells Constance Wu’s Rachel, “I know this much. You will never be enough.”
Instead of playing the Comparison Game: Play the game of becoming greater than you know yourself to be. When I hear that voice in my head, “Jon, you suck”, I chose to listen to those who believe in me like Sensei Dan, “You’re a better teacher than me.” Or Mom, “I’m proud of you.” We all have to create our balance, albeit imperfectly. We find our “I’m okay.”
Cheryl often reminds me of the Japanese aesthetic wabi-sabi: Beauty lies in our imperfection. I take that to heart as I continue to venture in the world of online dating on Match dot com. For every 50 messages I send out to women I’m interested in, I get perhaps one reply. Sometimes they’re “ringers” from Match dot com which is part of the deal I signed up for, but failed to read the “fine print” on my user agreement.
Yet, every once in a while I get a meaningful exchange from an authentic woman. I’ve only had a few dates from Match dot com. And that’s on me. Not anyone else.
As imperfect as this occurs, I discover my sense of balance. I believe like O-Sensei said: I’m not “possessed” by the outcome. I’m not attached. I’m still in the game to fall madly and deeply in love. Absolutely, I’m imperfect. So is life. Yet, life is “imperfectly perfect” as long as I create my Art in Balance. Amen.
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