Before we start, I start my articles with a quick affirmation.
You are worthy of a healthy relationship.
Your past is not your present, but it is up to you to change the future.
You create your path, and there is still time to upgrade the equipment you use to pave it.
Sometimes we go through self-doubt and don’t enjoy the journey because we are ready to be at the mountaintop.
When you don’t plan for the hike, you get lost because you have not created a roadmap or prepared yourself with the proper gear.
Are you over the corny metaphors too?
Seriously, wanting something and being prepared for something are two different tasks.
While we go out and vet prospective partners, we should do the same for ourselves.
That means asking ourselves questions and preparing for a relationship when we finally meet that person we have been waiting for.
Opening the layers of what has put you in your position is not an indictment.
That genuine honesty and love for yourself is the first building block to success.
Some questions will get the ball rolling, and I want you to develop some answers.
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The golden rule
The first question you have to ask yourself is straightforward.
See, sometimes we have a hard time being honest with ourselves. We feel selfish or entitled when we tell ourselves the truth.
The first question is — what do you want in a partner, and why do you want it?
A deeper dive into that question will be a base-level set of requirements moving into the dating scene.
People go into a relationship or an exclusive dynamic purely on emotion.
They bypass defining what they want in a prospective partner and wonder why they are disappointed when it doesn’t work out.
Become unapologetic about what you are looking for and have a system to vet people for that information that will fulfill your need.
There is an aspect of personal responsibility on the tail end of that. You should be able to answer why you want it.
No, I do not mean general things like “I want someone kind and caring.”
You have to be particular about personality type, height, weight, income, sexual preferences, desire for children, political affiliation, lifestyle, and the things that will be part of your day-to-day life.
Yes, there are behavioral differences that cause relationships to work or not.
Those differences are a result of the items laid out above.
When you define the items above, tell yourself why you want them.
These are subconscious dealbreakers for you, so you better be able to define why you want it.
Do you want mine?
I want someone who lives an active lifestyle, enjoys the outdoors, and is outgoing. I do not mesh well with women with high anxiety and find it hard to self-soothe and regulate their emotions. I want kids and do not mind being the primary provider for a stay-at-home mother in the kid’s developmental years.
Word vomit, but you get the idea.
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Is it hot in here?
The next question is crucial for your self-development journey. Yes, we should always be on a form of personal development.
I write about attachment style. These are the behaviors we develop as we experience relationships in our lives, whether they’re ours or people close to us like our parents.
Developing new behaviors and unlearning old ones is not comfortable.
The next question you ask yourself is how long are you willing to live uncomfortably to become the best version of yourself possible?
People make self-transformation sound like a bliss-filled journey. Don’t get me wrong, it is-ish.
You will feel strong and empowered as you grow out of your shell and become better.
It should also be the most uncomfortable you have ever been.
You are unlearning everything you have ever known. Your everyday life has to change, and your behaviors shift along with it.
It should freak you out and feel robotic because it is that unnatural.
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Mirror mirror on the wall
The last point might sting a little, but this is when you look in the mirror with honesty.
Get a piece of paper out and write all your stats down on a piece of paper.
Add everything you can think of that goes beyond some baseline metrics.
Height, weight, personality, job title, and income are some starters, but I want you to dig deeper.
What are your weak personality traits? What are you easily triggered by? How do you respond in moments of conflict?
What is your longest relationship? How did it end? Who ended it?
What are your goals in the next three to five years? What are your uncommon hobbies?
Now ask yourself a question. Would I recommend that person to a friend, or would I want my child to date someone like that?
It takes a lot of reflection to answer this question with honesty. We look at ourselves in the best light because we are “special.”
Looking at yourself through that lens is a surefire way to stay stagnant and not grow in areas you need to improve.
The activity isn’t to reduce you to nothing and end with you saying you are not worthy of love.
Sometimes we bypass being honest with ourselves and being completely transparent about how prepared we are to date and find a relationship.
I remember doing this activity, and the answer to the overarching question was no. Now, it’s yes. That was after months of personal development.
It is ok if the answer is already a yes for you. Pat yourself on the back if so. I mean that.
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It is completely reasonable to take your time on the journey to find a healthy relationship. Don’t be scared to ask yourself some tough questions on the way.
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Do you have a question or a story you want to share with me? Reach out to me on Instagram for a free coaching session. Here.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Anthony Tran on Unsplash
