I’m thinking about who I am. I’m reflecting on being gay. As a young child, I seemed to be different than the other boys. Growing up in Texas in the 1970s, boyhood was measured by traditional notions of masculinity. I didn’t measure up, and always felt inferior.
This feeling of being different intensified by the time I hit puberty. I went through puberty at the early age of 10. The awkwardness of puberty was made more painful with the onset of same sex attractions. Raised with a deep Christian upbringing, I wanted to die.
I would pray-cry myself to sleep that God would kill me in my sleep. I kept all this to myself because I feared the repercussions if anyone found out. As much as I tried to be invisible, the other kids seemed to know. I was often a target of name-calling — and often accompanied with real threats. I mastered escaping situations before it got physical. In middle school, riding the school bus was a daily dose of terror as I was once again targeted.
In high school, it was about surviving, so I tried to be likable to everyone while I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere. I devoted myself to being the best Christian I could be. I did daily discipleship and bible devotions to deepen my relationship with God. I felt condemned, so I prayed fervently for God to change me. I felt I was not disciplined enough; I was too weak and my heart was not right, because I still had same sex attractions. I was full of self-hatred, but I was too good at concealing my true emotions, so no one knew the inner turmoil I felt.
When I went to college, I used my education to gain more insight and understanding of homosexuality. I studied psychology and religion to better understand myself. What I learned became my saving grace of self-acceptance. It became a long transformative process of positive identity formation and empowerment. It was also during this time that I formed life-long and life-changing friendships with other gay folks in and out of school. I saw possibilities of a future not destined for loneliness and deprivation, but with love and belonging. I learned to live a more integrated life to be my true self.
As I reflect on the scars of my childhood and youth, I feel fortunate. I have grown. I accept being gay as a gift. I am truly thankful that I’m gay. Being gay has made me stronger and more resilient. It has made me more empathetic and compassionate. While living the first half of my life compartmentalized, I now embrace that being gay has allowed me to be more authentic and to appreciate vulnerability as a source of tremendous strength. It has made me a better person. And for all these reasons, I am proud to be gay.
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Previously Published on Medium
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