Sometimes you never know where interesting wisdom will come from.
One day I was playing with my kids in a park, and an elderly lady approached. I could tell she was a grandmother by the doting look in her eyes towards my kids, as if they were her grandchildren.
She told me to cherish them at every age, and when it comes to raising kids, the first seven years, be a parent, the following seven years, be a friend and a little firm when necessary, and be a mentor for the rest of their lives.
I took the message in deeply because you listen respectfully when the elders talk. I often think of the lesson she told about my kids. I will always be their dad, but as a parent, the stages change with age.
With my first two, I am at the friend stage as I am more mindful not to be too critical or judgmental, just be more of a good friend, so they have no fear of coming to me with any issues. And with my youngest, I am all parent as I am on constant duty for his positive development.
With all that in mind, I do fall short at times. For example, I feel guilty when I don’t get to spend as much time with them after work and when I am in my solopreneur mode, I can be so focused that I dont get to do the one-to-one times as I want.
Sometimes the only solace is remembering that I always aim to improve and be grateful for the moments we have together now.
And a way to continue to be a better father is by reflecting on the lessons learned in my 15 years of experience as a parent — my “parent career.”
There are many ways to be a better father and lead your children. Some things I learned include:
1.Spend quality time with your children and actively listen to them.
You may not always get quantity time, but if you can spend moments with them undivided, it will make a difference.
2. Set a good example for them by being responsible, respectful, and kind.
I only have one shot to show my kids what an accountable, respectful, and kind man should be.
3. Show interest in their hobbies and activities.
Over the last few years, I learned to put away my phone anytime my kids want to show me something or just talk.
4. Encourage them to set goals for themselves and work towards achieving them.
Accountability has to get developed early on, or they will be whiny, unruly teens. I did my best to get them self-reliant and non-whiny, but the teenage years are a different entity I am new to right now. (***If you are a reader that raised teenage kids already, please leave some helpful advice)
5. Communicate openly and honestly with them.
Early in my “parenting career,” I learned to stop trying to protect them from the world by being a helicopter parent.
“A man’s worth is measured by how he parents his children. What he gives them, what he keeps away from them, the lessons he teaches and the lessons he allows them to learn on their own.” — Lisa Rogers
When I communicate clearly and honestly with them, it is beneficial for both parties.
6. Show love and affection towards them.
I always aim to show them I love them. I don’t tell them every day, but as often as I can, and I always ensure they know they are loved — via full bellies, attention, full embrace, and hugs.
7. Be consistent with discipline and consequences.
I learned from early on with my firstborn to be even-handed with punishments. I don’t show favoritism. I adapt to the circumstances, but I am fair in the discipline. I always aim to make them learn from their errors instead of yelling. I hated when my mother yelled at me as a kid, as I never forget feeling small at times. I have spoken to her as an adult about my feelings, and she understood, but I don’t want my kids to take that long to talk with me if I make them feel the same way.
8. Be involved in their education and support their learning.
Funny enough, as straightforward as this lesson is, it was a challenge during the pandemic. When the kids had to do online education, my wife and I became full-time teachers as online school is a terrible way to learn for kids. I will never doubt the value of a good teacher again. Regardless of how my wife and I performed as parents, we always encouraged and supported our kids learning and interests.
9. Encourage them to be independent and make their own decisions.
“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken adults.” — Frederick Douglas.
I would know I was a successful dad when my kids made their own decisions. Of course, they already do, so I see progress, but I will know how independent they are once they are adults.
10. Show them that you care about their well-being and happiness.
No matter what my kids decide, they will always know they are loved, and I want them to be happy.
“Every day, in a 100 small ways, our children ask, ‘Do you hear me? Do you see me? Do I matter?’ Their behavior often reflects our response.” — L.R. Knost
Remember that being a good father is a continuous effort; it takes time, patience, and a lot of understanding. Be open to learning and growing as a father and person, and you will be pleasantly surprised at what you helped blossom.
I wish you well.
All the very best.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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Photo credit: Mieke Campbell on Unsplash