It’s good to be honest, isn’t it?
Transparency is a good thing, right? And we all want to be honest with each other. In fact, being honest with ourselves is part of positive self-care, and being honest with others is critical for achieving intimacy.
But like any good thing, you can have too much of it.
Is total transparency always appropriate?
Is it an asset at work? Sure, when you point out a defect in a product or process. Perhaps, when you communicate to co-workers about a health issue. But do you need to spill all the details of every blind date? Really?
With friends — do your conversations quickly turn into therapy sessions where they always end up playing the therapist? While honesty can enhance intimacy, do they really need to hear you endlessly rewind and rehash every detail of your day?
Your mother may need to hear about a deep childhood trauma. But does she need an itemized accounting of how she failed you? Will that bring you closer or just create more wounds and distance?
Is it appropriate to call your significant other to discuss a relationship issue while he’s scrambling to meet an important deadline? While it’s important to be honest with your partner, will honesty deteriorate if you wait until he’s less stressed?
How to be honest without being selfish
Sometimes we suffer from verbal diarrhea. We think we’re being honest, real and transparent when we are just being self-obsessed. We think we’re fostering real intimacy when we are actually creating boundaries. We focus on our own needs while ignoring the needs of those around us.
It’s not that our needs don’t matter. It’s that others’ needs matter too.
Children blurt things out. A child will walk up to someone and tell him he’s ugly. This is tolerable and even cute when someone is 3. It’s wildly inappropriate for an adult.
Being mature means not giving in to every impulse, including our verbal ones. We can stop and think before we speak.
Ask yourself before you open your mouth— does it need to be said? Is this the appropriate person to communicate with? And is now the right time?
Maybe your co-workers don’t need to know that your last boyfriend was a dick. And maybe you can have a better discussion with your spouse about his forgetting your birthday if you wait until his mother is out of the hospital.
It’s doesn’t make you a less authentic person to practice patience. It makes you a more caring and thoughtful human being.
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Previously published on medium
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