This past year has been the most romantically challenging time of my entire life. A divorce followed by a painful rejection. Then this recent manipulation by someone whom I thought I was “the one.”
Although I enjoy the drama that love brings, I’ve wasted too much time and energy sulking over rejection. The more hope I placed on a potential relationship, the more disappointed I become when it doesn’t work out. I’ve realized that a lot of it was my doing. Sure, I know the rule book well enough to never appear needy. I never bombard a girl with long blocks of texts or seem overly attentive. If anything, they’re seeking validation from me more than I do from them.
But after reading Models: Attracting Women Through Honest, I learned that I’m still very much guilty of neediness. Because I’ve written about this topic before and have seen the amount of attention it draws, I know how much we all struggle with being needy. Being needy is more than simply appearing desperate for attention and validation. Trying too hard to impress is needy. Modifying yourself to suit someone is needy. Not being anything but your authentic self with someone you like is needy.
For instance, I behave a little too aloof and self-centered when I’m with a girl I like. On the surface, I couldn’t care less. But this is merely my way of showing how unattached I am to her and that I prioritize myself over her — all techniques I’ve learned to increase my appeal. Deep down, I badly want her to think I’m independent and unaffected by her opinion.
To truly be sexually attractive, we have to shift our aim to something else. Instead of focusing on increasing someone’s interest level, let’s just watch how they can entertain us. If you see a beautiful woman at a bar, and you go approach intending to bring her home or get her number, your agenda will infiltrate into all your behaviors, the way you talk, what you talk about, and that you’re in a rush to get something out of the interaction. It doesn’t fool the female species who are wired with extremely high EQ and can see through your thoughts without you realizing.
Just be. You’re there to drink, social, and have fun. That’s it. Wherever you are and whatever you’re doing, you’re not doing it for the attention of the opposite sex. It’s counterintuitive. But as you reflect on people who you’ve been drawn to, you’ll recall how incredibly sexy girls are when they’re simply hanging out with their girlfriends without external motive. They’re free to be their authentic selves without having to plot how they can grab a tall stud’s attention. They dance on the floor with pure joy, without the burden of worrying about the next “meal.” The less attention they seek from you, the more comfortable they appear, and the more you end up desiring them.
It sounds like an Eastern Philosophy, along the lines of “to gain, you must first let go.”
I’ve been working on that myself lately. After discovering that I’ve been nothing but a spare tire, I decided to stay platonic friends with the girl that semi manipulated me. I’d like to see where it goes. Because I still think she’s shown enough interest and isn’t serious with the other guy either. But first, I need to stop caring about the outcome. Whether she’ll change her mind about me isn’t important anymore. The next time I see her, she’ll just be another regular drinking/singing buddy. Nothing more. If one day she disappears from my life, I’ll be disappointed for a day or two, but that’s about it.
Of course, it’s easier said than done. But we have to at least approach romance with that attitude.
Another problem in our relationship was that I kept her at a distance because I liked her too much. I became too cautious around her as I always tried to present the best version of myself. Since I’ve dropped my desire for her, I can just message her whenever I want, not talk to her whenever I want, and ask her to hangout alone whenever as I do with other friends. We can talk about whatever and share in depth, or simply joke around. Either or, I’m not expecting anything out of this relationship. Ironically, that’s the key to attracting someone — having no expectations.
Love happens when you least expect it because when you don’t look for it, you stay expressing your authentic self. You stop acting weird and giving off a “hunting” vibe. Conversely, by deliberately looking for love, you dress your best, walk like a million bucks, and plan your lines, ultimately making interactions forceful.
It’s about self-satisfaction. Confident, self-loving people always find ways to fulfill their emotional needs. Whether it’s through having their own hobbies, friends, goals, or simply sitting with their own thoughts. They don’t rely on lovers to brighten their days. A partner is their frosting, not their cake. So they invest more in themselves and their own activities as opposed to depending on someone’s attention and affection to make them feel better.
Stop trying. And results come. If they don’t, you’ll be just fine.
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This post was previously published on Medium.
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