Of course, there’s a lot to like about sex, but when it comes to committed relationships, the potential for intimacy really stands out.
—
We asked readers the question, “What is the best part of married sex?” Thanks to everyone who responded! Here’s what we learned.
♦◊♦
Some of us were keenly aware of the practical benefits. Like reliability.
@HGrayLICSW @michaelgray_phd @MaritalIntimacy nice? if its scheduled, you know you are getting it & the seduction lasts all day!
— Hilary Silver, LCSW (@SilverTherapy) March 12, 2014
—
Safety.
@iproposethis #intimacy …. maybe #safety? And the fact that if she gets pregnant, it’s probably much less “oh crap”. 😉
— Christopher (@teesang) March 12, 2014
—
And familiarity.
@iproposethis married what? 😉 I’d say the feeling of being experts in each other, if that makes sense! — Chris @ Buff Daddio (@buffdaddio_) March 12, 2014
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free
—
Far and away, however, the most common responses were variations on the themes of intimacy or honesty.
@GoodMenProject a level of intimacy so hot, it can’t be matched outside of it. Imagine…state sanctioned to do anything with your partner.
— Marie Doucette (@MarieDoucette) March 14, 2014
@HGrayLICSW @ChanaLevitan @YesToChivalry Depth comes to mind. When secure, we can go deeper, be more open & vulnerable.
— Allison Rimland (@AllisonRimland) March 14, 2014
—
Anonymous emailed:
We have a unique story about a sexless love affair on the back burner for some 40 years.
We are married now, 22 weeks, and what makes our married sex so special are several in number.
- The intimacy that only comes from our love for each other.
- We are older and we know what we are doing.
- With age comes a lack of inhibitions about almost everything.
- This seems like an age commentary as well, but we also feel young again.
- No worries about birth control.
- Respect and adoration for the other.
- And I could go on … but those are 6 items.
—
@HGrayLICSW @LoriAnnLothian @therapistnyc35 best thing: having a deep connection to my partner that makes the sex abt much more than orgasm
— Andrew Irwin-Smiler (@AndrewSmiler) March 16, 2014
@FamilyintheCity @GoodMenProject The familiarity, the intimacy, the history…plus you know they will call you the next day. ;0)
— Marie Franklin (@MarieFranklin00) March 11, 2014
@FamilyintheCity @GoodMenProject there will be intimacy. Like he is all mine/she is all mine feeling.
— Karthika S Nair (@karthu1993) March 12, 2014
—
Of course, marriage isn’t a magic pill — it takes more than committing to someone to make for a great sex life.
@HGrayLICSW @ericadjossa YES to discussing married sex! Recently learned that 72% of married folk say their sex lives are bad #SeeATherapist
— Jenny Glick (@JennyGlickLMFT) March 14, 2014
—
@JennyGlickLMFT @HGrayLICSW wow that is a crazy statistic! Do u think it’s bc there is an unrealistic expectation they compare themselves 2?
— Erica Djossa, MACP (@ericadjossa) March 14, 2014
—
@ericadjossa @HGrayLICSW Yes, unrealistic & they get in emotional rx gridlock that seeps into their sex lives. #DoYourOwnWork=GreatSex
Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free
— Jenny Glick (@JennyGlickLMFT) March 14, 2014
—
In the tweet above, Jenny Glick, a marriage and family therapist who, incidentally, has published a few articles here before, mentions unrealistic expectations and emotional gridlock as some of the main culprits when it comes to unfulfilling sex in marriage.
It sure seems like intimacy is one of the most important tools around for couples when it comes to having fulfilling sex.
|
It may not be that intimacy is the only way to have a fulfilling sex life. And it may not be that all the couples who aren’t happy with the sex they have lack intimacy. But it sure seems like intimacy is one of the most important tools around for couples when it comes to having fulfilling sex.
Given all that, it stands to reason that fostering emotional intimacy may be one of the best ways of addressing challenges to fulfilling sex in a marriage. That’s one of the reasons we work so hard to publish articles about creating emotional safety and intimacy in the day to day life of a marriage, whether it’s through healthy conflict resolution habits or good communication skills or any number of other strategies. Sex is a really important part of life, but in committed relationships it occurs in a broader context.
The couples who are happy with their sex lives work at it.
|
Regardless of what they like best about their sex lives, the couples who are happy with their sex lives work at it. They talk. They negotiate. It’s not just spontaneous passion. It’s two people who make sex a priority, rather than just expecting the passion to just be there.
♦◊♦
As we wrap up our focus on married sex, we wanted to let readers know about two more opportunities to participate in the conversation.
First, we want to invite you to share your perspectives in a video on the Good Men Project’s YouTube channel. We’re looking for people or couples to make a quick video (just a snippet — a couple of minutes max) that answers questions like these:
1) What do you hear from friends about married sex?
2) What’s the biggest complaint you hear about married sex?
3) What makes married sex better than sex when you were single?
4) What one piece of advice would you give to a man who is getting married?
If you’re interested, just email your video (or your questions!) to info@goodmenprojectcom
Here’s a video that describes more:
Second, we want to invite you to read through the transcript of the #GMPChat on #MarriedSex we hosted on Twitter on Wednesday, April 2. Dr. Richard Nicastro, our guest expert, led a discussion about sex in committed relationships.
During the chat, Dr. Nicastro addressed the following questions:
1) What is it about marriage/committed relationships that can make sex so special?
2) What are some of the challenges committed relationships pose to sexual passions and fulfillment?
3) What conditions need to exist outside the bedroom in order to enhance sexual intimacy?
4) How can couples deal with sexual incompatibilities that arise in marriage?
5) What are some practical steps couples can take to keep sexual passion alive?
—
This post is republished on Medium.
***
The Good Men Project gives people the insights, tools, and skills to survive, prosper and thrive in today’s changing world. A world that is changing faster than most people can keep up with that change. A world where jobs are changing, gender roles are changing, and stereotypes are being upended. A world that is growing more diverse and inclusive. A world where working towards equality will become a core competence. We’ve built a community of millions of people from around the globe who believe in this path forward. Thanks for joining The Good Men Project.
I do get what Jules is saying to a degree. My perspective is that it is important for each partner strive to be their best self in their own individual lives to be living in a way that makes them naturally passionate about life, and they then bring that passion back to the relationship. The prerequisite, as I believe Ben is saying, is that you must bring that passion back (and not fritter it off to everyone else but your partner) for the relationship/marriage to be fulfilling and the sex to be great. That is the ‘work,’ but it really… Read more »
“Continuing to invest your love and energy in your partner and bringing the passion you derive from your own life back to your relationship.”
That’s a wonderful way of framing it, Daniel!
Thanks Ben! My article on this was just published on GMP! https://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/great-sex-secret-hlg/
Hi Jules, I can see you have some pretty strong feelings about some things. It’s possible we agree about some of them. That said, I think you may have misinterpreted some of what you read in the article. The statement that “The couples who are happy with their sex lives work at it” wasn’t meant to suggest that it ought to be a drudgery. In fact, the point of the article was to celebrate the joys that sex can bring to committed relationships. Rather than an endorsement of drudgery, the statement meant that married sex is something that might be… Read more »
“…married sex life.” Is this an oxymoron in America? Seriously. I own a company that trades in defaulted loans and securities…..I love what I do. I love waking up in the morning looking to make deals happen. I am passionate about what I do! I DO NOT CONSIDER IT WORK. Yet when it comes to marriage and sex in America we continually hear the “work” mantra. Well, I thin this view is totally bullshit. If you are excited to be with the one you like (or love) and the sex is very good and satisfying, then married sex is NOT… Read more »
The (spontaneous?) remark about “unrealistic expectations” as an answer to the statistics that 72% of married folk say their sex lives are bad… I don’t know but it appears almost a bit condescending to me. That aside, I agree that a happy sex life is founded on two people working on it, talking about it and making it a priority. Being in a rather new relationship and having your partner “admit” to never really having had an interest or curiosity for it, and although it feels good at the times of doing it, refusing to have any kind of discussion… Read more »