Big Boys DO Cry!
Ah, Boys, Boys, Boys….
They could quite possibly be the most sensitive and most beautiful souls ever created!
Of course, I know exactly what some of you will be thinking right now, especially after reading that sentence!
I used to think exactly the same!
Lazy and immature might be some of the words that spring to mind when we think about our ex partners (or even our current one)?
But I’m not talking about our husbands, our partners, or even our fathers – I’m talking about our sons!
Our son’s that we are trying so hard to nurture in a different way to the society and generation that we grew up in.
A new generation where crying is celebrated and where sharing feelings and emotions is absolutely vital!
The 80’s
I didn’t always see things this way of course.
I vividly remember a wave of panic sweep over me when the sonogram revealed I was carrying a baby boy.
I was grateful of course, that I was having a healthy baby, but memories of my childhood suddenly came flooding back.
The 80’s were a generation where little boys were taught to suppress their emotions and crying was seen as shameful and weak!
Suddenly, I felt a surge of sadness for all the things I would miss out on by not having a girl.
For example, when I was young, I loved cuddly toys and always imagined taking my child to somewhere like build a bear, but from my experience growing up, little boys didn’t play with teddies!
They didn’t sit and cuddle their mum for hours on end, whilst chatting about their day,
and when they got into their teenage years, they hid themselves away in their bedrooms only to resurface again when they wanted something.
It wasn’t until I had my son and decided to raise him completely differently….
(i.e. Praise him for crying instead of shaming him and tell him how healthy it is to let it all out.
Encourage him to talk about anything that’s bothering him and never dismiss it as small or trivial.
Explain how special he is to have such a sensitive and caring nature and expressing this to others will bring him lifelong, true friendships.)
…to what I had witnessed and experienced growing up (i.e. within my own family and environment), that I saw just how beautiful, kind, loving and affectionate boys can truly be.
Now don’t get me wrong, my son loves to wrestle, he loves sports and barely has any creative toys (i.e. pirate ships/ playmobile etc). I have tried it all before, but he has never been fully interested, preferring to just kick a ball around.
His bedroom however is filled with cuddly toys, and we have been to build a bear more times than you can imagine.
In my opinion, I find that boys (at times) can be even more affectionate than girls, and don’t get me started on just how much boys love their mums! More than life itself!
My son is so sensitive, and he gets upset if he hears a sad song or watches a sad film for example.
I absolutely love the way he is, and I wouldn’t change him for the world.
Working as a therapist, I witness every week the full impact of what bringing up young boys to suppress their emotions truly did to them (on the inside).
In the UK, men are three times more likely to die by suicide than women.
Many will also turn to drink, drugs and gambling as a form of escape. Anything to stop their feelings and emotions from rising to the surface!
As a therapist, we encourage talking as much as possible. It helps us to work through past trauma and helps us to look at the bigger picture and to not place blame onto others.
For example; we may look to blame our parents, caregivers, teachers, coaches etc, for teaching us that crying was a sign on weakness, or to push all our problems away instead of allowing our brain to process them properly.
But looking to blame other people doesn’t help us, it keeps us stuck in ‘victim patterns’ of behaviour.
Our parents and caregivers learnt this way of life from the generation and society that they grew up in, and therefore the toxic cycle has just continued.
But we have a choice – we can choose to break that cycle!
Therefore, I encourage you as a parent and as a therapist – embrace your sons’ sensitive side and teach him that crying is a sign of strength! (It releases all the stress and toxins from our bodies to enable us to get back up and cope with real life experiences).
Encourage him to talk about anything that’s bothering him (from the moment he learns how to talk) and try not to dismiss his worries and concerns as silly or trivial.
Children can often get upset about something we perceive as small or pointless (i.e. not wanting to eat their veg) but it’s actually their way of releasing hurt and anger over something much bigger that happened earlier that day/ week (i.e. someone said something hurtful at school for example).
Children will often store their pain and release it when they feel safe enough to do so.
In later life, when a person suffers a major life event (whether this be a bereavement or relationship breakdown for example) , the only way a person will get to the other side and feel true happiness again – is to release all of the hurt, anger, pain and sadness from their mind and their bodies.
If a person is not taught how to do this from an early age, they will often push the emotions down, and they will sit and reside within the body.
What’s important to remember however, is that they don’t just disappear, they sit and wait for another traumatic event to happen and then they will all rise to the surface once again.
This time a person is not only left dealing with the traumatic event that has just occurred, they are now left dealing with previous trauma and unhealed wounds from the past as well.
This can then cause a person to have severe mental health issues such as panic attacks, anxiety, depression, anger and control issues etc (for example).
It is physically impossible for a human being to suppress all the bad emotions (i.e. sadness, hurt, pain) but still expect to feel the good ones (i.e. happiness, peace, contentment).
One does not work without the other!
Comments like ‘man up’ and ‘big boys don’t cry’ don’t teach a young boy how to be stronger… they destroy his self-worth!
Comments of this nature are basically telling a young boy he isn’t good enough as he is.
He will then look to mold himself into what society perceives as acceptable and live his life as a completely different person to whom he was meant to be.
When you combined all of this together, is it any wonder that we are seeing so many men in their 30’s, 40’s and 50’s feeling lost, confused, anxious…. Suicidal?
Therefore, I feel that it is so important that we keep on embracing our children’s true personality traits (and if our sons are sensitive, let them be sensitive),
…..then in 20/30 years’ time we may have a new generation of grown men who are truly happy on the inside and finally comfortable within their own skin.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock
