Boundaries in Child-Rearing

Anyone who has ever held an infant knows there are few things more tender than the warmth of a child nestled close to the heart. At times like this, it’s hard to picture this baby will become a person in need of discipline. But along with all the love and support a parent gives to her child, establishing clear rules by the time the baby is a toddler bodes well for child development.

I’m convinced that before age two, children need to assert themselves. I believe the psychologist Carl Jung had the marker of autonomy becoming strong at eighteen months. Part of that assertion is healthy separation, but it’s also the child’s way of checking in with the adults that things are safe. Their little minds take in so much information in the first few years, I believe they need the reassurance that the big people in their life will establish boundaries.

Clear parental signals starting early is a good way for children to feel protected and cared for. By the time a child is agile enough to climb over a balcony, it’s essential that groundwork has been established that this behavior is a no-no and a glance from the parent is a clear signal to stop.

If your child bites another child, that merits your complete and sober attention. Choose to deal effectively if a child’s behavior is concerning. That, of course, becomes critical in the adolescent time of life. Get to know your child’s friends. Praise your child often. Notice the unique and wonderful person your child is over and over again, but prepare to establish consequences for destructive behavior your child might get into. As adults they will thank you for not being their best friend, but instead having been their best advocate.

Our children are so much a part of us, it is easy to slide into the friend role with them, especially when they are mature enough to engage in meaningful conversation. Although I believe the rapport should be benevolent and trusting, I would caution sliding into the we are best friends mode. We’re not. We are the guideposts for morals, ethics and values. Every parent must understand that building character and empathy in our children is every bit as important as feeding and clothing them. We are the people who can be called at three in the morning if something is wrong. If you raise your children well they will be responsible enough to do the same thing.

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Any parent who has weathered adolescence knows that children will never be perfectly behaved. It’s also sensible to offer to be a designated driver home from an event that got out of hand. We may caution against underage drinking, but it can and does happen. Trust and strictness can go together well. Lucky is the teen who knows his parent is available at times like that.

Instilling respect for teachers into our children becomes an asset to society in general. Teachers are in loco parentis when we’re not there, and we should be encouraging our kids to respect them, and we should establish a rapport of our own with the teachers. It’s become popular of late to belittle teachers, and I believe those who belittle teachers are poisoning their children’s respect for them. Those who don’t respect teachers have probably never done the job. I have done the job and can testify that the break in the summer is strongly necessary to restore the equilibrium of the individual educator.

When I was growing up, parental authority appeared to be ubiquitous. Most of my childhood friends referred to abstaining from x or y behavior as “their parents would ground them for life” or some such expression. There was a secure set of boundaries for acceptable behavior, and consequences from parents if standards were broken. I’m not advocating for any kind of verbal or physical abuse. Far from it. I believe that disciplined children or adolescents are comforted in knowing they are valuable enough that their actions matter. The loved child with parental guidelines and boundaries is far less likely to feel hopeless or desperate. The child who knows he can share concerns with a loving parent who is tuned into him, knows his friends, and respects his interests, will likely avoid the disastrous violent acts we are seeing in society today.

In my early years of parenting, a pediatrician advised me to read the book “Children: The Challenge” by Rudolf Dreikurs, M.D. The advice in this book was very useful to me. To paraphrase the essential messages, the author advises parents to follow through on what they say to their children. Don’t be lazy and inconsistent. If you hear yourself saying, “How many times have I told you …” you are doing something wrong. Assert yourself so your child knows what to expect. The first time you say it.

The book supported the oft-heard “save your battles” kind of advice. If a child cries in a restaurant because she is hungry or tired, she is not at fault. She is human and has basic needs. The parent shouldn’t expect her to be quiet when she shouldn’t be put in that position.

This author’s messages are especially useful to parents of multiple children, who are vying for parental attention. He advises against becoming a referee in your child’s life. Within the bounds of safety, let your kids resolve their own conflicts with one another. According to the author, many skirmishes among children erupt for the purpose of getting the parent’s attention, of getting the powerful person in their corner.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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