Reid Wilson believes we must redefine toughness and what it says about 21st century masculinity, especially when it comes to our boys. Here’s why and how.
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Compared to our fathers and grandfathers, there is no question we are making positive changes in our roles as dads to our sons. We are more willing to leave work early to catch a soccer practice. We give hugs more freely. We can cook a meal, change diapers and regularly serve as the caregiver to allow our partner more freedom. We deserve applause for breaking some generations-old patterns. But if we want our sons to grow up as resilient teens and young adults, then we have to stay vigilant for some of the built-in tendencies of the adult male psyche as well as the not-so-subtle messages of our sons’ peer groups.
We men are probably genetically programmed to become tough enough to protect our tribe and innately built to instill that ability to our sons. But the old ways of accomplishing this are outdated. The long-standing belief has been that it is father’s job to toughen up the son, and that project was reflected in a number of injunctions at the sign of any weakness in the son. Grow up. Dry your eyes. Men don’t cry. Suck it up. Don’t ever show that you’re scared. You should be making them afraid of you first.
While we dads have clearly mellowed, the meanness of young boys hasn’t changed much over the generations, especially when they’re in a pack. Any boy who breaks down (now there’s a biased interpretation that slipped into my paragraph) will be humiliated by his peer group and often by his older brothers. Mama’s boy. Wimp, Wuss, Fag, Cry-baby.
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Whether subtle or direct, boys are under enormous social pressure to grow up, be strong, and act like a man. By the time they reach adolescence, the persistence of this impossible standard creates an unconscious drive to hide their pain and vulnerability.
Self-doubt creeps over into shame. If their vulnerable feelings are wrong, does that imply there’s something inherently wrong with them? Once they begin to feel that they are different than others, then they decide that they must create a false self to show to the world.
What is included in that constructed identity? Bravado. Sarcasm. Sharp-edged teasing. Over time, something changes unconsciously, too. They close off. Their unwillingness to share vulnerable thoughts and feelings as a preteen becomes an inability to do so by the teen years.
When a boy is “toughened up” in this way, he doesn’t become more masculine. That’s just the surface. Underneath is a boy with an impenetrable skin who is therefore left alone to deal with his pain, fear, sadness and inner struggles. In his isolation, he’s learned to be tough enough to shut other people out. But he doesn’t have the inner resources to cope with the temptations of drugs and other risky behaviors, the confusion of relationships, and the suffering of depression.
Despite the changes we have made as fathers, our sons are nowhere close to being out of the woods yet. They’re doing more poorly in school compared to girls. And they are at greater risk of depression and suicide.
If we are going to chart new territory to break these old patterns for good, then we must redefine toughness in the 21st century. I propose that we encourage our children and teens to develop the inner toughness of resilience, so our boys grow up able to steer through everyday adversities, to bounce back after trouble is resolved, and to be open to new experiences and challenges in the life ahead of them. How do we do that? A complete answer will take more than we have time for here. But I can point you in the right direction.
Little boys are not supposed to be tough. They are children, and it is common and normal for them to cry easily and to be afraid. They need our comfort and understanding. And then they need us to guide them toward exploring what they are afraid of. They need our help in being afraid and stepping forward anyway. Please don’t shove them forward. And you can’t command them forward. It’s a gentle nudging to begin facing and exploring what they are afraid of.
Studies show that when boys have one key person in their life who they feel close to, who supports them when they are down, and who encourages them to bounce back after difficulty, then they won’t struggle so much with setbacks and are likely to become resilient adults. Let’s be that person for our sons.
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As we remember our own feelings of insecurity as boys, our tendency may be to prevent our sons from feeling uncertain and vulnerable. But let’s not. Instead, we can reveal to them our memories of our own self-doubt as boys, and even those we have today. In this way we compete with our culture’s message for boys to suffer in silence. And—even more essential—we continue to reinforce that we are someone they can talk to about anything. Studies show that when boys have one key person in their life who they feel close to and can rely on, who supports them when they are down, and who encourages them to bounce back after difficulty, then they won’t struggle so much with setbacks, and they are likely to become resilient adults. Let’s be that person for our sons.
So become an exquisite listener. Take on your son’s perspective, and see the world through his eyes. Be careful with the quick advice that we’re so good at. Reflect back their emotions, and avoid the lectures. Once they feel understood, you can always ask, “Is there anything you’d like from me?” Typically, the best help you can offer is to support them in strategizing how to overcome the challenge. “What do YOU think you could do?” is a much better approach than, “Here’s what I think you should do.” Over time and with your guidance and example, they can embrace feeling awkward, clumsy and insecure as essential parts of engaging in the learning process.
Most importantly, we need to keep finding our soft side and to increase our physical and verbal displays of love. There will be a normal developmental time when our teenaged sons will say, “enough, dad” and push back against our close contact. Hard as it may feel in the moment, think of it as a wonderful time when your son is becoming independent of you and ready to stand on his own.
In the meantime, perhaps we can all work on replacing “boys don’t cry” with “tell me about your tears.”
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Reid Wilson, PhD is an international expert in the treatment of panic and anxiety disorders. He is the co-author of Anxious Kids, Anxious Parents: 7 Ways to Stop the Worry Cycle and Raise Courageous and Independent Children (HCI Books) and it’s free companion e-book for teens and kids, Playing with Anxiety.
Photo by shankbone / flickr
Good and practical article Reid. Times are much different. Some of the things they’ll face don’t seem to have changed much from the troglodyte era, but they have. The main thing is sheer brute force is unnecessarily touted as the method of choice for men. That’s really long gone. What is needed is resiliency and emotional reflection of what the situation demands for a response, and to process that quickly. If you’re watching a sad movie in a safe place then cry as much as you want to. If you’re in a dangerous place and find yourself being stalked that… Read more »
A wonderful suggestion for creating a masculinity not limited to old, archaic paradigms. Well said, Reid.
Yes! Beautifully said. The lessons for boys have changed and hopefully we’ll all get on the new curriculum for the benefit of all boys and men.