Can We Stop Assuming All Men Are Jerks?

Can we please have a conversation about how we treat the men in our world? Seriously, our current environment is heartbreaking. To witness some genuinely great guys having their lives and careers placed in jeopardy because of a whisper of wrongdoing with a female colleague is madness. This is not about those situations where he is accused, tried, and found guilty of wrongdoing. My concern is how often the assumption is made that he is a jerk or inappropriate when in fact, he may not even be actually accused of anything. A whispered implication can take down a man’s reputation.

It’s crazy how much power we allow the court of the rumor mill to have. How many good decent men have had their lives turned inside out by things like this? Since when is it okay to assume the worst about everyone in a group because of the bad actors? We all deserve better than this.

A few disclaimers are provided here with hopes that the comments won’t be filled with hate mail. There are bad men out there. Damaged, broken people who do awful, inexcusable things in the name of power and control. I understand from a deeply personal place what it feels like to feel powerless. I am a survivor of a violent rape and assault at the hands of a trusted male friend. That is an experience that colors many aspects of my thinking about this topic.

Like most women, I have dealt with the power dynamic between men and women most of my life. Professionally, I work in leadership in a male-dominated field. The history of oppressive power that has been exercised over women and our bodies for centuries does not escape me. Toxic masculinity is real, but not all masculinity is toxic. The things I share here are not from a place of naivete or ignorance.

I am tired of seeing good men living under a veil of fear that their lives could come crashing down around them because of a misunderstanding. There are some things that we can do to make the world better for the men in our lives and really that makes it better for all of us. It is not that hard, really. It just takes some intention and awareness.

Let’s begin with a pretty important fact. Men are not mind readers. They just don’t have that skill on the list of available superpowers. None of us do. People only know what we tell them about how we experience them. You may think that you have communicated clearly that you are uncomfortable or unhappy with a comment or behavior, but communication is always a two-way street. It is only truly communication if the message that was sent was the message that was received.

Are you expecting him to know you are unhappy because of the vibe you are putting off? Are you assuming he has the same values and expectations that you have? As our workplaces are becoming more diverse, we have to make room for the possibility that others see the world differently than we do and that not everyone has a shared understanding of everything regarding relationships and connections.

There are so many nuances about connecting and relating especially between men and women. Are you expecting those around you to know where your boundaries and comfort zones are without telling them? Before deciding that someone is disrespecting you, have you considered whether they know what respect looks like to you?

It is often overlooked that consent goes beyond just how you physically choose to connect with another person. It is often discussed that if someone puts their hands on you in a way that is unwelcome that a “no” is a response that should be respected by all involved. We have the power of consent in all aspects of our relationships. If there is something that is being discussed that you find uncomfortable or perhaps offensive, it is often easiest to try to be invisible or to walk away from the conversation. The assumption is that your behavior will be understood as an indicator of your displeasure or discomfort. There is much more to be said about advocating in these moments and the power of silence, but that is best saved for another article.

But let’s think about that for a moment. When you are talking with a group and someone walks away, is it always your first assumption that you were being offensive or outside of the comfortable boundaries with that person? Or is it more likely that you think they need to get a drink refill or answer a text if you notice their departure at all?

You have a voice, please use it. The only way you can know for sure that someone knows what you think or feel about anything is if you use your words. He compliments your dress, and that makes you uncomfortable. Simply say to him, “Please do not comment on my clothing. That is not respectful to me in a professional setting.” If he continues to make comments, then there is a deeper issue worthy of addressing. But there is a really good chance that if you pay attention, you will see that he comments on everyone’s attire. You are well within your rights to tell someone what is and is not okay in your world.

Part of the problem in all of this comes back to how our brains are put together. When you are in a place of upset, you only look for things that support your reasons for being upset. In fact, your brain quits taking in things in the environment that could help you see a bigger picture. It’s part of our survival mode that tries to keep us safe. So, you think that guy at work is a jerk because he commented on your dress. Your brain raises a flag and every single future interaction you have with him will be sorted through your filter that is trying to prove he is a jerk. You don’t do it on purpose, your body is just trying to alert you to a perceived threat.

The bad news for this guy is that if he doesn’t know that you were unhappy with his comment, he may continue to do things that are offensive to you simply because he doesn’t know that you are unhappy. You intend your eye roll and sigh as a way of saying you are not comfortable, and he may see it as a playful connection.

Once you have had all you can take, a visit to the HR office with a list of well-documented grievances in hand derails another man’s credibility and possibly his career. He is completely blindsided by the accusation that he has been inappropriate in any way because he has not filed the interactions in his brain the way you have as a part of what is needed to be safe. It only makes matters worse, because he claims no memory of something that felt really out of place to you. It becomes easy to see how things can spiral quickly in this scenario.

So much of this could be avoided if we simply found a way to be human with one another. I am not advocating for ignoring those quiet inner voices that can alert us to real danger. Intuition is a powerful protective force. When we are dealing with real people in real places, we need to remember that we are all limited by our uniquely lived experiences. There are things that as a civil society we seem to be able to agree on like no touching without consent. But there is a long list of various shades of gray areas on what is and is not okay. We are all trying to navigate this often messy world.

Before you decide that the guy in the office is a creep who is disrespecting you, please give him the benefit of the doubt and start with the assumption that he is doing the best he can with the information that he has at the time. Give him the information he needs to do better. Tell him what you will not tolerate and what is not appropriate the first time it happens.

It may be that he is a jerk that ignores your wishes. His choices are best handled through the available grievance processes and all the consequences that will address the problem. It also may be that he is a good guy that has boundaries in different places than you do who would be mortified that he had behaved in a way that is outside of your expectations. Your honesty will keep you safe and allow him to know what boundaries are and if he is a decent guy, he will honor them.

It seems that so much could be changed if we took the risk to communicate with one another in an honest way about our expectations and boundaries. I just cannot stand by any longer and watch the toll it is taking on the good men in my world. We are better than this. We all deserve better than this. Is it possible to fix this madness? Can we work together to create spaces where everyone feels safe and welcomed — even our men?

Read more about Maggie and her journey.

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