There’s no shortage of content about identifying narcissism in long-term partners.

If you’re with someone long enough, there are many patterns you can reference to see if it matches up with narcissistic behavior.

If narcissism is a disease plaguing your relationship, the cure is to identify it and leave.

But, as they say, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Perhaps it’s better to quickly identify if someone is a narcissist on the first date so you can avoid getting into a relationship with one in the first place.

A psychometric study discovered that one simple question had the same statistical accuracy in predicting narcissism as long-form diagnostics tests, which was dubbed the Single Item Narcissism Scale (SINS):

The greater degree to which subjects agreed with this statement, the greater correlation was found with actual narcissism.

Pretty wild that they could shorten it to SINS if you ask me.

If you’re on a date, you’ll probably want to use more natural, casual language.

“Do you think you’re a narcissist?” will suffice if we’re talking about real world applicability. Such a yes-or-no question won’t lead to as accurate results as a multi-point scale, but it could give you a big clue, especially if you pay attention to other signs.

Psychologists have suggested that this casual form of the question will still prompt most narcissists to agree and say things like, “Actually, yeah, I am better than most people.”

Or, as a relative of mine once said in response to that question, “Yes, everyone around me is so stupid.” I’ll hand it to her that she is quite intelligent and competent, but she’s clearly got some selective bias coloring her opinion of herself and others. I’ve also heard her saying things such as “I’m always right” before. The SINS test seemed to be accurate there.

Narcissists will often give themselves away. Proudly.

I went on a first date with a woman who was really easy to talk to because she loved talking about herself, and my style of flirting centers around discovering deeper things about the other person. We started talking about psychology and, eventually, the dark triad:

To my surprise, she enthusiastically told me that her narcissism score was much higher than I’d predicted, like she was actually proud of it. I didn’t bother going for a second date.

On a date with another woman, I didn’t even have to bring up the topic at all. She said things that clearly demonstrated that she’d proudly answer “Yes” to the SINS test: bold statements such as, “I am better and more beautiful than anyone else you’ve dated.” She said this in all sincerity without knowing anything about the people I’d dated before.

What’s more is that she became a completely different person in bed, as if she knew exactly which buttons to push to make me addicted to her. This “hot and cold” pattern of hers was intoxicating. Fortunately, that fling didn’t last long because I knew well enough to cut things off after I was able to identify the narcissism.

If you don’t want to confront someone with a direct question like the SINS test, pay attention to what could just as easily function as a “Yes” to that question. Many narcissists will give themselves away, proudly and early.

What about covert/vulnerable narcissists?

One weakness in that study about SINS was that it might not account for some cases of covert (or vulnerable) narcissism.

• Overt (or grandiose) narcissists believe that they’re the gods’ gift to humanity. They openly believe they are superior, express entitlement, and act in dominant and attention-seeking ways.
• Covert (or vulnerable) narcissists, on the other hand, have more fragile egos. They’re hypersensitive to criticism. They secretly feel entitled while being more socially withdrawn.

Overt narcissists will happily admit to being narcissists. Covert ones, though, are more likely to be defensive. They’ll project. Maybe they’ll accuse you of being a narcissist instead. Will they answer “Yes” to the SINS test? Sometimes, they don’t.

Overt and covert narcissism often overlap, and the SINS test can be an accurate predictor overall. However, in cases where someone is mostly only covert, results can be very different. The Hypersensitive Narcissism Scale (HSNS), which measures covert narcissism, “has a near zero correlation with the Narcissistic Personality Inventory, which measures overt narcissism.” (Wikipedia)

The SINS test can’t always account for covert narcissists who aren’t overt narcissists.

The HSNS, though, asks how much you identify with the following ten statements related to just covert narcissism:

1. “I can become entirely absorbed in thinking about my personal affairs, my health, my cares or my relations to others.”
2. “My feelings are easily hurt by ridicule or the slighting remarks of others.”
3. “When I enter a room I often become self-conscious and feel that the eyes of others are upon me.”
4. “I dislike sharing the credit of an achievement with others.”
5. “I feel that I have enough on my hands without worrying about other people’s troubles.”
6. “I feel that I am temperamentally different from most people.”
7. “I often interpret the remarks of others in a personal way.”
8. “I easily become wrapped up in my own interests and forget the existence of others.”
9. “I dislike being with a group unless I know that I am appreciated by at least one of those present.”
10. “I am secretly «put out» or annoyed when other people come to me with their troubles, asking me for my time and sympathy.”

The subject responds to each question on a five-point scale where 1 is “strongly disagree” and 5 is “strongly agree.” In the end, add up all the points. A higher score indicates a higher degree of covert narcissism specifically.

Don’t make your date take this test.

The problem is that these tests are what scientists call “face-valid.” It means that the respondent knows what’s being tested (especially if you send her a link that clearly says “Hypersensitive Narcissism Scale”). Coverts will want to hide their true answers.

So, how can you suss out covert narcissism on a first date?

One woman I met through a group chat was clearly a covert narcissist.

We texted for a few days and everything went smoothly at first. She was very sweet and we were nice to each other. Her covert narcissism became abundantly clear, though, after one conversation in which I teasingly called her a brat (it was actually a different word in another language with more playful and romantic connotations, but close enough), which is a form of breaking rapport.

When I talk to women, I’m mostly building rapport. Occasionally, though, I break rapport because I want to treat them like human friends, not deities:

Due to a bit of a language barrier, though, she misinterpreted the word I called her and got really offended. She lashed out at me to a surprisingly extreme degree while I calmly insisted that she was misunderstanding the word. After she confirmed through her friend that I was right, she admitted to being in the wrong and did a complete 180, reverting back to her original sweet self. Not a single word of apology, though.

When regular people who aren’t narcissists joke around with each other with light teasing, they don’t get defensive and lash out. And, if they are able to acknowledge that they were in the wrong about something, they recognize how it could have affected the wronged party and apologize.

Look for the entitlement.

It’s easy to see how such characteristics align with the items in the Hypersensitive Narcissism Scale.

If you can get a feel for what these ten questions in the HSNS are trying to ask, and if you utilize enough active listening, it won’t be so hard to suss out covert narcissism over the course of a long enough conversation.

As a men’s dating coach, I encourage my clients to approach conversations with curiosity. Don’t just ask “what” questions; ask “why” questions. Find out why she does the work she does and the hobbies she has, not just what those jobs and hobbies are. Discover her motivations and values, her hopes and fears, her delights and “icks.” Find out what makes her tick. Center the conversation on her before you even think of bragging about anything or trying to make yourself look good in order to impress her.

Do that through a practiced process of active listening and it can be easy to find out to what degree she’s “easily hurt by ridicule,” reluctant in “sharing the credit of an achievement,” or any other indicator from the HSNS. You might not get it right 100% the first time, but you’ll get a better feel for it the more you practice dating and talking.

Though my clientele mainly consists of men who like women, this advice is gender neutral.

What’s the earliest red flag of narcissism you’ve noticed on a date? Tell me your experiences in the comments!

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This post was previously published on Michael Chief’s blog.

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