Cancer Changed How I Discipline My Dog

I have always been more of an egalitarian type. It’s a personality trait. When I was an engineering manager, I sought to form collaborative units with my employees. I’d ask their opinion on how to solve problems and take their answers seriously.

Ultimately, I always made the final decision, but I made sure they knew their input was valued and that I really listened to what they had to say.

I tend to follow the same approach with other relationships, whether it is with the children of friends or with pets.

Relating to Pets — Dominant or Democratic?

After all, a pet is still a sentient being. We bond deeply with them, sometimes more closely than we do with other people because they are so emotionally intelligent. Perhaps your dog will never do a triple integral, but he or she will pick up the nuances of body language and subtle triggers at lightning-fast speed. This is why dogs are much better therapists than people.

For those of a hierarchical bent — Teutonic types, for example — having an egalitarian relationship with ones’ dog may seem ridiculous. After all, reams of information have been written about dog training, and most of it assumes that the human in the relationship is the one in charge.

While this human-centric viewpoint seems to be prevalent, I don’t think it’s the healthiest.

This was recently brought home to me when my own relationship with my dog changed.

My relationship with Snowy

You see, back in the throes of the pandemic, I adopted a 6-month-old white German Shepherd. His name is Snowy, and he is an absolute delight. I adore him, and he seems very fond of me as well.

Before bringing him home, I researched to make sure I gave my boy what he needed. One thing that was emphasized over and over — GSDs can be assertive, dominant dogs. To make sure they are good pets, it’s important to socialize them from an early age and discipline them. You have to be the “alpha” with these dogs.

While this didn’t always sit well with me, at the same time, I truly wanted to do what was best for my dog. So I crate trained him, which I think was a good thing — he will sometimes voluntarily enter his crate to take a nap or chill, so I know he sees it as his safe space.

I also taught him basic commands, set up some rules. I tried to keep things simple and consistent. When Snowy disobeyed, I would use a harsh and stern voice to say “NO!”. I never hit my dog. I did use a martingale collar to train him to walk on a leash. I would give him treats as rewards, but I would make him work for it.

How cancer has affected us

Then, a month ago, I was diagnosed with metastatic brain cancer. I realized that I could not care for my dog properly while going through treatment, so I asked a friend to take him in temporarily. However, I still have visitation.

Once or twice a week, depending on my energy levels, I will spend the day with my dog. I can only do it on days when my energy is quite good because Snowy is only 18 months old and has a ton of natural exuberance. I can only keep him on days that I have the energy to walk him for a bit, to throw the ball for him, and so on.

But even though we only see each other a couple of times a week at most, these times are very special for both of us.

What touched me deeply is how happy he is when he is with me. He loves the friend who cares for him, and he has another dog there to play with, so it’s a good situation. However, when he comes to stay with me — he does the ZOOMIES, he is so delighted.

When it is time for him to leave — he makes it clear he doesn’t want to go. My friend has told me that when he brings Snowy to me — Snowy makes it clear he wants to come. He is excited to come home to me and struggles against leaving.

I can’t wait until I can have him back again if that will happen. I don’t know because my prognosis was not good, according to the doctors. They think I only have a few months to live. I hope to prove them wrong, partially for Snowy’s sake. Knowing how much he wants to be with me motivates me to get better.

My relationship with Snowy has improved

Our relationship has changed in significant ways.

One is — I no longer discipline him. It’s not that the rules have gone away. But I don’t feel right speaking harshly to him.

He loves me so much. How can I be anything but loving to him? Particularly when our time together might be cut short.

I want my interactions with him to only be positive, if possible. If necessary, we’ll go for neutral. But I am no longer willing to have any negativity between us.

This has changed the way I react to misbehavior on his part. He is still an adolescent, after all, and a teenage male at that. A certain rebellious mischief is part of his makeup.

I used to be stern with him. Now… I shut down. I go from engaged to ignoring him. I turn my face away. I hobble a few steps in another direction.

It works.

Whenever I do this — he immediately pulls himself up short and corrects himself. It’s as if he’s figured out, too, that I’m fragile now and that I can only deal with so much.

Our relationship has become more intuitive and holistic. I talk to him more than I used to. I give him more treats and try to figure out excuses to reward him more. He seems delighted by this.

The last time he came to visit, he sat looking deeply at me, the largest grin on his face, while I spoke to him about how excellent he was and how happy he made me. He just seemed to bask in it.

Whatever happens in the future, I am very grateful for the wonderful changes in my relationship with my puppy. He is happier, and so am I. And I’ve learned that despite what experts say, sometimes it’s best to throw out all of the experts’ advice and to relate to your dog on his own terms. He can communicate very well if you allow him to.

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This post was previously published on Medium.

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