Many survivors have learned to protect themselves by keeping people and experiences at bay. Here, Randy Ellison shares the moment where he finds the balance between a coping mechanism and letting in the great things life has to offer.
Going to church was a requirement when I was a kid. No matter how much I complained, my mother always said that if I listened I would hear something of value. Once I started going to church again after a very long hiatus, I found that I automatically listen for a message. Some morsels that could help me live a better life or to be a better person. My takeaway last Sunday was, Open the Doors. Nothing—and I mean nothing—good can happen if we keep our doors closed. We cannot be in a relationship, we cannot be heard, we cannot learn from others and anything we create exists only in the dark. We tell ourselves, “At least we are safe.”
Living without having our doors open is like trying to live without eating. And yet this is how I lived for most of my adult life, a survivor’s life that was almost entirely based on never being a victim again. So my existence was one of hiding and protectionism—no risk and therefore no possibility of reward.
“The gain from living a vulnerable life has become enriching food for my soul.”
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In my recovery I have been teaching myself to open my doors to people, relationships and new experiences. In lowering my walls I have converted what I previously perceived as great risks, into what I now find exciting, stimulating and rewarding. My desire to feel better and heal my broken self has motivated me to risk trying new approaches to life. The old ones just weren’t working.
From this point forward, I will be visualizing physically opening a door to life. I am willing to give up the protection of my walls for the beauty I now know exists outside. What do I have to lose? I have lived with disappointment, anger, sarcasm and skepticism all my life, so even if I have a bad experience once in a while, I can deal with that. The gain from living a vulnerable life has become enriching food for my soul. It is a hundred times more powerful than the pain I felt living in denial.
Because my doors are now open and we can see each other, I want to thank all the people I have been meeting for the spiritual connection you seem willing to share with me. I am finding our differences no longer matter. You are not the ogre, sloth or ignoramus I thought you were. Our clothes, lifestyle, ideology, skin color or sexuality become superficial. I can see your soul through your eyes and it is there that we are all connected.
Wherever I meet you, in church, at a conference, online or in a coffee shop, I am going to try to remember how special you are and what our encounter can mean to both of us if we are willing to open our doors. As you walk your healing path, think of what your world might look like if you stop letting the potential downside determine your actions. I think you will be amazed at the richness that comes to your door. I am.
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Randy Ellison is a speaker, writer and author of the book Boys Don’t Tell: Ending the Silence of Abuse. Randy is a child sexual abuse victim’s advocate and an activist promoting cultural change working with local, state and national organizations. He addresses abuse prevention and healing for survivors from a survivor’s perspective. Randy is a member of the Oregon Attorney General’s Sexual Assault Task Force. He is a founding member and former board president of OAASIS, Oregon Abuse Advocates and Survivors in Service. Randy recently received the Diane Sandler Award for his work in education, awareness and prevention of sexual violence in Southern Oregon.
Posted by 1in6, Inc. More information available at www.1in6.org.
The mission of 1in6 is to help men who have had unwanted or abusive sexual experiences in childhood live healthier, happier lives. 1in6′s mission also includes serving family members, friends and partners by providing information and support resources on the web and in the community.
I am a survivor, and I have to shake my head at this article. I really do see where the author is coming from about being vulnerable; It’s a message like Plato’s Allegory of the Cave. It is, however, not that simple. For me, and I suspect others like me, it’s the hardest thing in the world. I do not, and cannot, trust other men. In fact, I can count on one hand the number of male friends I have, and none of them I let get close to me. My abuser was a fairly stereotypical masculine man, and such… Read more »
Thank you for sharing, i didn’t know exactly how difficult it could be for guys or why it would be difficult. but i think the feminist community and other communities would be interested in hearing your story even if anonymously. As for people fearing if you’ll be a child molester. They aren’t thinking. I’ve learned how to tel the difference well enough, look for a person that’s bad with boundaries, look for a person that still hasn’t resolved their feelings of self blame for what happened to them. that person will be the one to lie, and blame the child.… Read more »
Why apologise for saying how you feel? I just don’t think there’s anything worse than others making someone feel bad about feeling bad. But how to get back to good seems to be the order of the day. Wouldn’t you say that simply typing this is opening said door?