On a coaching call a couple of weeks ago, a client, a why.te changemaker, wanted support with a challenging relationship with some folks of color who were challenging him on his job. This person was struggling between being a good ally, being honest, and their own personal growth.
So asked the person:
Why are you in this work?
I wasn’t being confrontational or annoying or trying to say they shouldn’t be a changemaker. I was asking them to get clear about their center: the place from which they move into the work.
Over the years, I’ve seen different approaches to healing and social justice have different words for this: commitment, drive, possibility, essence, somatic stance. They all refer to a similar concept — life is ever changing. If we focus our attention on what’s shifting, we will never, ever be fully centered, fully grounded, fully aware of who we are and our strength and power to create the life we love. It’s important to know ones center and move from it and back to it — so that in an ever-changing world and life, we have a core that stays steady.
I have learned that there are stages of growth to my allyship. Daphne C Magna created a model with five stages of Allyship: 1) Fearlessness & Clarity, 2) Cultural Competence & Understanding, 3) Action-Oriented Learning, 4) Lead with Responsibility, 5) Unwavering Allyship & Antiracism. I’ve often seen and experiences allies mistake unwavering for non-stop and burn out in this last stage and then come back to the work a bit wiser and smarter. So I’d add a sixth stage 6) Wise, collective, action. This entails knowing oneself well enough to take the breaks, live the joy and the balance, and choose activism not to prove anything — but as a way of walking in the world.
In my baby-allyship years, In Magna’s model phases 1 and 2, the following question: “What would my Black mentors expect of me or recommend I say in this situation?” was helpful. This question helped me move beyond my tendency to think as an individual — taking on community responsibilities and desires for a better future. The question helped me become more responsible for my actions.
And, at some point, I had to let that go. Responsibility and courage to speak up are important to me still — but the measure of whether I speak up or not in a group setting is no longer based on what others have taught me to do. It’s my inner guidance which directs me any particular time. I’m grateful to that guidance because it’s a lot more kind and measured, it takes into account the importance of the situation and my bandwidth at any given time. Since Racial Injustice is everywhere and everything I do is connected to Racial Injustice, I have to pick and choose my battles to not burn out (again). This is relatively easier for why.te folks — because we “choose” to enter the battle — while folks of color are often pulled in no matter what they do/don’t do.
So, back to my client — their allyship has grown substantially in the past years and they too, have a life where everything they do is somewhat connecting to social injustice. They are juggling several projects at once, and their life’s work has become quite demanding and intensive, so they, too, have to measure where to invest their energy and how.
When folks of color confronted them on their opinions, they got defensive — and reached out for support. I suggested they take a much deeper look at why they were doing social justice work to begin with. Here were the questions I asked to guide the discussion. Everyone has their own answers. I offer mine as examples — not guidelines.
- Why am I in the work? I felt heartbroken in the face of an unjust world. So heartbroken, it was hard to look elsewhere. I needed to know I was part of the solution in some way. I know this is my life purpose — I’m settled when I walk in alignment with my values. I believe that working for social justice is the only freedom I truly have in an unjust world. It’s the way I express my joy and love in the world and it feels right. As a person who felt the pain of being discriminated against and “othered,” creating a world where everyone belongs and thrives is the best use of my energy, my talents, my mind, and my heart in alignment with my life journey.
- How does it feel to be in my center? I feel settled, relaxed. Shoulders rest and release, belly breathes deeper, heart lets go.
- How do I know that I’m moving from there? I feel peace within me — I reach a stillness where the judgement of others doesn’t matter. Where their validation doesn’t impact my ability to smile, breathe, and laugh.
- Does it align with my soul purpose? Yes! When I write and I coach I feel most alive, most purposeful, most brilliant. I’m in sacred relationship with my clients — and they know I’m here for them.
- What I do when the center is shaken? I pause the engagement with other people to return to my center.
- What helps me come back to that center? I do the things that connect me to my source: Art, Nature, and Connection. I paint. I play the guitar. I sing. I dance. I write. I walk. I hike a mountain. I connect with people I love. I break the routine to do these things. I re-engage after I’ve found clarity and my pushy eagerness to “be right” has disappeared.
The more I practice moving into social justice from my own peaceful center, the more I’ve realized that what I used to call accountability to folks of color, in my stages 1 and 2, included an unhealthy dose of people-pleasing. I’ve spent a few weeks with this client helping them re-find their center — teasing out the people-pleasing from the commitment to justice.
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Many people tell me they’re concerned that the work I do makes why.te people “worse” more self-centered. It’s the replication of a common argument: Doesn’t self-care make people selfish? My answer is absolutely not.
When I watched this person who was profoundly resistant and a bit belligerant about the feedback they received (It’s reverse racism, they shouldn’t think that about me, it’s generally human to believe this, why can’t they see this is always true) smile when they remembered got in touch with the core of their activism and desire to make a difference in the world.
I watched them shift out of defensiveness into awe and connection:
Maybe it’s ok if we don’t agree.
It doesn’t feel so important anymore.
I guess they get to think what they think.
I disagree — and don’t have to force them to agree.
And then, the magic.
What they’re saying makes complete sense.
When we live from our core, we are not as irritated at being held accountable, we become curious, not defensive. When we are centered our bodies relax — and we show up differently. White folks people-pleasing folks of color to do the right thing isn’t allyship — it’s codependency.
Social justice work requires that we be responsible for old and new hurts and walk in the world with responsibility towards others, and towards ourselves. Precisely because injustice is everywhere and we are human, we cannot tend to everything — all at once.
Just I was writing this, a dear friend sent me this quote:
“When you meet anyone, remember it is a holy encounter. As you see him you will see yourself. As you treat him you will treat yourself. As you think of him you will think of yourself. Never forget this, for in him you will find yourself or lose yourself.” — A Course in Miracles
I’m grateful for this quote for putting words to something I’ve been trying to say for years without finding the words. Social Justice and allyship are an opportunity for us to find ourselves, find our deepest, most profound, juiciest, most delicious and joyful humanity. It’s not the time to lose ourselves in yet more expectations others have of us.
One way to not lose oneself is to Center in our core.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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From The Good Men Project on Medium
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