It’s like in golf. A lot of people—I don’t want this to sound trivial—but a lot of people are switching to these really long putters, very unattractive. It’s weird. You see these great players with these really long putters because they can’t sink three-footers anymore. And I hate it. I’m a traditionalist. I have so many fabulous friends who happen to be gay, but I’m a traditionalist.
-President Donald Trump
No
it’s like in basketball
you see these towering centers
who can slam it down
over the entire opposing team
their mamas papas
and all their friends nobody can stop
the behemoths’ stutter-step and rise
to the rack except to chop
a forearm grab a shoulder
hold on for dear life send them
to the free-throw line where
some of the biggest baddest
bruisers turn sheepish the ball
suddenly awkward in their palms
a couple nervous dribbles bowed
knees cockeyed elbows nightmares
of air ball chants and not-top-tens
boo birds and snickering teammates
though there’s an easy
and proven remedy
the granny shot
named for the feeble
effeminate mechanics a little crouch
the ball lowered between the legs
then gifted underhand
towards the hoop Hall-of-Famer
Wilt Chamberlain notorious for his monster
jams sweet baby hook and
foul line jitters switched
to the granny in 1962
his third year in the league upped
his free throw percentage
from 50% to 61%
bagged the greatest game
of all time 100 points
against the New York Knicks
sank 28 of 32 from the line then shockingly
abandoned the granny the following year
tired of looking like a sissy
though his percentage dipped to 38%
forget the stats
for one season a man discovered
his brilliance by doing what came natural
the graceful arc of the ball
all eyes watching as it soared
through the air then the satisfying swish
as it fell softly into the net
like any pair of gratified lovers
into their bed.
***
T.J. Sandella’s poem “All of the women on The Apprentice flirted with me…” is one of our 2017 Pushcart nominees.
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Photo by redsox20041027/Flickr