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I spent 5 years hurting a good woman by staying with her but never fully choosing her.
I did want to be with this one. I really wanted to choose her. She was an exquisite woman, brilliant and funny and sexy and sensual. She could make my whole body laugh with her quick, dark wit and short-circuit my brain with her exotic beauty. Waking up every morning with her snuggled in my arms was my happy place. I loved her wildly.
Unfortunately, as happens with many young couples, our ignorance of how to do love well quickly created stressful challenges in our relationship. Before long, once my early morning blissful reverie gave way to the strained, immature ways of our everyday life together, I would often wonder if there was another woman out there who was easier to love, and who could love me better.
As the months passed and that thought reverberated more and more through my head, I chose her less and less. Everyday, for five years, I chose her a little less.
I stayed with her. I just stopped choosing her. We both suffered.
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Choosing her would have meant focusing everyday on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so … much … more.
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Choosing her would have meant focusing everyday on the gifts she was bringing into my life that I could be grateful for: her laughter, beauty, sensuality, playfulness, companionship, and so … much … more.
Sadly, I often found it nearly impossible to embrace – or even see – what was so wildly wonderful about her.
I was too focused on the anger, insecurities, demands, and other aspects of her strong personality that grated on me. The more I focused on her worst, the more I saw of it, and the more I mirrored it back to her by offering my own worst behavior. Naturally, this only magnified the strain on our relationship … which still made me choose her even less.
Thus did our nasty death spiral play itself out over five years.
She fought hard to make me choose her. That’s a fool’s task. You can’t make someone choose you, even when they might love you.
To be fair, she didn’t fully choose me, either. The rage-fueled invective she often hurled at me was evidence enough of that.
I realize now, however, that she was often angry because she didn’t feel safe with me. She felt me not choosing her everyday, in my words and my actions, and she was afraid I would abandon her.
Actually, I did abandon her
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Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.
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By not fully choosing her everyday for five years, by focusing on what bothered me rather than what I adored about her, I deserted her. Like a precious fragrant flower I brought proudly into my home but then failed to water, I left her alone in countless ways to wither in the dry hot heat of our intimate relationship.
I’ll never not choose another woman I love again.
It’s torture for everyone.
If you’re in relationship, I invite you to ask yourself this question:
“Why am I choosing my partner today?”
If you can’t find a satisfying answer, dig deeper and find one. It could be as simple as noticing that in your deepest heart’s truth, “I just do.”
If you can’t find it today, ask yourself again tomorrow. We all have disconnected days.
But if too many days go by and you just can’t connect with why you’re choosing your partner, and your relationship is rife with stress, let them go. Create the opening for another human being to show up and see them with fresh eyes and a yearning heart that will enthusiastically choose them every day.
Your loved one deserves to be enthusiastically chosen. Everyday.
You do, too.
Choose wisely.
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Do you think it would be hard to choose a woman or leave her? Would you try to keep a hold of your partner every day for five years and unintentionally hurt them? This article written by Bryan Reeves is hard-hitting but can help couples become closer than ever. Find more incredible articles that can help you grow closer to your significant other in the Relationships section of our site.
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—You were born to thrive, live the life of your dreams, and experience exquisite relationships. Explore coaching with Bryan @ www.BryanReeves.com
Searing honesty, and what I hope was a truly healing path. Usually it is when you can get this real with yourself. I only hesitate to to say definitely because I was to learn who I am through the catastrophic cleansing of a narcissist. I know I’m better, but I know his type will never be. It’s so refreshing to see this much open, and honest, introspection. The healing is to see, that there remains the good within the majority. Thank you for this.
I hear you Bryan – it takes guts, honesty…but more than that, self awareness spirit and truth. You have illustrated your truth – even though, it was blissful in the beginning, there was a ‘surface’ which was more prevalent than anything deeper – of which you may have needed, something deeper. I have been there too – and it’s a choice of bliss vs truth. The truth, is going to give you a hell of a lot more than bargained for – and if the other party, is not – up for the test of that truth, if it’s not… Read more »
Is it possible that your relationship was actually just a reflection of how you were feeling about yourself? Often we magnify what we perceive and judge to be character defects are simply our own negative self beliefs. In order to repeatedly (emotionally) identify something in someone else it must exist in ourselves. Therefore what I have taken from this piece is that in order to be emotionally mature enough to choose someone else every day, you must first choose your self. This way a relationship can become a safe space where feelings and emotions can be met in honesty knowing… Read more »
I lived this story and I know exactly how this feels. He didnt choose me, he picked someone else who wanted to go party and drink in the bars every weekend (mind you he was 57 yrs old, grow up). So he hooked up with a close friend and he cheated on me with her. I stuck by for a year hoping he would choose me. Mind you I was with him through the toughest part of his life, a divorce from his wife of 28 years,(which lasted almost 3 yrs to settle) the death of his son from a… Read more »
That’s awesome. Good for you Dolores!
Bryan Reeves… Help me, please?
Thank you for this piece Brian. It is a well written analysis of what can go wrong in long-term relationships when we fail to commit to them. You are basically saying that we need to make our partners our priority every single day, correct? Just curious, how long, after the relationship, did it take you to figure out it didn’t work out because of always having one foot out the door? I ask because I feel that maybe this is why my current relationship isn’t working Do you think it’s very common for men to be afraid to commit? In… Read more »
Thank you for the piece Brian. It is very well written and a great analysis of your relationship.I know it will definitely help me in mine. Just curious, How long did it take you to figure out that the relationship failed because of not choosing her everyday? I figure that you’re basically saying we need to make our partners our priority on a daily basis, correct? impeccable timing for me. In a nutshell: been in relationship over 12 yrs. he says he ” doesn’t know what he wants.” you think its safe to assume its not me he wants to… Read more »
Thank you, Bryan. I’ve written about “love as a choice” quite a bit, and found it to be a conversation not too many want to join when they find out I mean a daily, fresh choice, rather than an iron-clad, “forever” choice (i.s. traditional marriage). So bravo to you on several counts with this one! I could write lots more, link to things I’ve written, etc., but just going to say, “Thank you.” And if you haven’t read, “Women Who Run With the Wolves,” by Clarissa Pinkola Estes, let me know. I’ve given away dozens of copies, all to women.… Read more »
Women who run with the wolves- very interesting title. May i? ?
Brian thanks … this is a good read.❤
I want to thank you for this article, it woke up, put things in perspective for me, I didn’t choose my bf neither, I did for awhile, but got tiring for me because I knew there were red flags in front of me, im not saying infidelity(maybe emotional infidelity ), but other red flags so I withdrew. He use to play this song to me, not sure of title, older song, your love is our of reach, yes it was, and maybe it was to protect myself. Where I used to always talk in a positive light everything has turned… Read more »
Bryan, I want to thank you so much for this piece of writing. The night that I read this, I had been sitting in the car crying after fighting with my boyfriend. We’ve been together for nearly 3 years and have hit a rough patch in our relationship. We love eachother very much but sometimes that gets lost with the unappreciated ways and the arguments. Your article spoke to me, and so when I read it I had to share it with the person that I choose. After he read it, we made up and realized our faults and why… Read more »
What if you don’t want to choose anybody?
Like what if you know you just can’t? You meet wonderful people all the time. You want to choose them. But you can’t. I wish every day that I could just shut that desire down. Because the only people I’ve truly chosen in my life were three or four friends. That’s it. My entire life.
Thank you so much for this. This was exactly what I was needing. It’s hard to chose everyday. I worry it’s too late to make the choice. That we’re too far in to come back out of it. Do you think it’s possible to pause after two years and start choosing eachother to make it work?
Thank you, you wonderful man 🙂 currently divorcing, you have put it all in a nutshell for me, I don’t count on staying single for the rest of my life, but I do count on not making the same mistakes again, and this article definitely hits home.
So, thank you xxx
Also, to the naysayers, if this article doesn’t resound with you then you just don’t get it. But love is action first and foremost. When we stop choosing we stop loving. Feelings follow action, not the other way around.
I see some are saying that this article is wrong because men shouldn’t just leave. But if y’all would see it from the point of view of the one who has been cheated on already, like me, I want to work it out esp since I’m married… But I’m actively committed to changing myself and the way I treat my man but if he don’t accept my love and stops choosing me and won’t change too, then I would want him to leave! It hurts too much to continue to subject myself to that kind of pain if not being… Read more »
I think this this article is a great barometer for if you are in a healthy relationship. It’s a great question to ask your partner (be they male or female) and discuss if you are on the same page. “Let’s make it a choice, to choose each other everyday.” Then see if that is even something he or she can or wants to do. Maybe they don’t. I’ve assumed my version of love is the same as the person I’m with and I’ve set myself up to be hurt versus finding out what love means to them – deeply, profoundly… Read more »
Thank you for the reminder that I need to look at the things I feel in love with my husband for and not the things that bother me. We all have things about us that irritate other people, but it’s so easy to get caught up and focus on the negative of someone we see day in and day out. It’s always good to have a reminder to look deeper within our lives at the qualities we love about our spouse. I love my husband with all my heart, and never want to lose him. I’m glad I came across… Read more »
A friend shared this article on facebook so I gave it a shot. I read it and fully understand its thoughts. But to me, being in a relationship for five years and having two children, a toddler and an infant now, doesnt give me much a choice.. we now live together just for the sake of our kids. So as in my case, I am stuck and the only option I have is to be with him (at least we dont have ugly children, as the saying goes). Basically, this applies and does not apply to me in some of… Read more »
I love this article so much.
I showed it to my soon to be ex-husband and he thought I could have written it, about myself.
Many thanks.
Ugh…. the whole tone of this article is so sickly melodramatic. It actually reads like something a delusional woman would have written about herself from the imagined perspective of her ex-partner. Also… I was linked to this article by MY partner’s ex-wife, who, nearly 3 years later, still insists on reminding him of every issue/failure she blames him for, while refusing to take real responsibility for cheating on him time, after time, after time, after time, (I could go on….). Thanks for producing fodder for jilted delusionals. And yes, I’m sure this association is coloring my opinion on the article.… Read more »
Thank you.
D Struction: I love your last two paragraphs, very well put!
This is perfectly put. This article rang as hollow and untrue to me, like someone who was scrambling to explain why a relationship didn’t work out and wrap it into a neat package to serve up platitudes. As someone in a very happy 25 year marriage, if it’s right it’s just not that agonizing. Not compared to the rewards.
D Struction’s post soynds far more familiar.
So does choosing her less make you love her less. I have always been the last choice in our relationship. Everything else matters except for me. I’m the one who has to adjust always. Sometimes I don’t know what to do anymore. Am I even worth it? So is this how he feels. I’m not the first choice anymore…
Grow up and learn That a relationship is a two way street in all departments, not just Romance. What about the everyday crap THAT life throws your way. Does a bouquet of flowers fix them
Are you kidding me!! You’re article is ridiculous. It is absolutely all one sided. A woman can push a man to the point where he SHUTS down. With the stressors of children, work and house, it happens easily. Especially if both partners are not pulling their weight. Your article presents as ONE sided and ONE sided only. It’s time to end the pity PARTY ladies, roll up your sleeves and jump into the ring. Stop the princess crap. I am married 43 years, raised 3 great kids. Lots of trials and tribulations and lots of COMPROMISE AND UNDERSTANDING. Have some… Read more »
Yes, women certainly have their work to do, too. … but why does this article make you so angry? Just curious. With love, Bryan.
For real…
Wow this article made someone mad!!! On the other hand, I very much enjoyed it!
It’s funny because even though the article was written by a man and for men (I assume?), I found that it applies to women too. I don’t think Bryan meant for only the males to do all the work, but that it’s just written in his perspective.
That’s how I read it. It interpreted it as his perspective, but relevant to any intimate relationship.
I was able to relate and am emailing it for Husband to read, not because “he has some work to do” or needs to “treat me like a princess” but bc I want to be sure that we are making sure that we are connecting every day and each investing equally and feeling fulfilled. I’m also reading, “The 5 Love Languages”.
So agree with Brook
This article just made me realize why my previous relatioships haven’t felt “real”, or why they didn’t work out. I always had this weird feeling I couldn’t exactly put my finger on, in addition to different other aspects..that wasn’t the only problem. But now I realize it was one of the biggest. The persons I were dating didn’t choose me not once. And I am pretty sure they would never have. And I didn’t choose them.. I don’t think I would have done it later either. But now I am with someone, who I felt has chosen me and is… Read more »
You’re welcome Mariel 🙂 thank you for sharing your personal experience. Bryan
Great thoughts. Saddens me to see that our new world full of communications, websites, apps, etc. creates the impression of unlimited choice and opportunity. The grass is always greener. Love is hard work and never perfect. It sucks at times and plays along our deepest insecurities and fears.
The decision to stand with someone and go through life together is the most consequential in our lives and takes a lot of character and maturity to be able to recognize when that decision is being made.
Thanks for a good read.