Choosing To Be Single on Purpose

For years, there has always been some form of external pressure. Pressure from a society that has marked marriage and genetic reproduction as the primary label of success. Pressure from traditional, Hispanic parents who feel marriage, a sacred, mandatory custom for all women must be done at an early age. And, internal pressure.

Although there was a strong, internal voice that wanted to find herself, build confidence, spirituality, emotional intelligence, and experience, the other more toxic mindset often took control.

It prevented me from properly working on myself when I needed it most. It caused me to develop an unhealthy habit of relying on men for connection, fulfillment, and validation. As I crawled closer to thirty, it no longer mattered if the partner was toxic so long as I did not have to be single.

At 29, with the help of the best therapist ever and a scattering of self-help books including John Kim’s Single On Purpose, I have been able to work on the issues plaguing my choices in partners and in life. I realized I’d been dating for the wrong reasons.

While failing at finding, the one, I succeeded amazingly at finding myself. Five little lessons and a few quotes have shaped my perspective and helped me let go of what I thought was most important.

Trust Your Instincts

We make choices based on what we experienced growing up. The relationships in my childhood were incredibly bipolar and chaotic with divorces and multiple separations from both sides of parents.

This upbringing created a vast awareness of the dark side of marriage, particularly when you settle down with the wrong person and have children with them.

This led me to be judiciously choosy of partners in my early 20’s. In fact, I’d broken off an engagement and several relationships with decent partners for very particular reasons. At the time, I was confident I made the right choice breaking those off. I didn’t want to marry simply because someone had asked.

But, then, I stumbled into a life of addiction and I lost all confidence and direction. I started to wonder whether I made a mistake by letting those early relationships go. Maybe I should have settled early on like my friends. I was filled with regret. My family members had (and still have) consistently told me that I should have settled for [insert name here]. Honestly, they just want me married, who cares what the name was?

Anyway, these very normal humans emotions led me down a path filled with self-doubt and emotionally immature men. It led me to a variety of confusing, dysfunctional relationships that only further eradicated my self-worth. I started dating out of fear. I started dating for the wrong reasons.

Never Compare Your Life to Someone Else’s

At 24, when I became clean, I was a lost baby bird out of the nest for the first time. It seemed everyone was far ahead of me in life. Friends from high school were announcing their second child, their engagements, their new careers. And me? Well, I was halfway to 30 and celebrating two months clean. Compared to their lives, mine had nothing to offer.

The fear of being far behind everyone else in life created an extreme shift from confidence to absolute dread. I compared my life to the lives of others and placed my worth on my partner, relationship status, and future phantom children. Rather than focus on cultivating an identity and self-love, I honed in on finding someone else who could provide that for me.

Lesson #2: Stop fixating on where your life should be and focus on where you want your life to be. Do not allow the lives of others to determine normalcy and success for yourself.

Throw Away Your Life Blueprints, Please

Addiction slowed me down and I felt I didn’t have the same knowledge or experience as others. Therefore, I created the basic goals of settling down with a husband, a career, and my own housing by 30. Easy enough, right?

If we create specific, internal blueprints with a slapped-on time frame, we will find ourselves constantly compromising and negotiating our needs to fit the blueprint we have created. In the end, we could easily wind up in something unhealthy and toxic. Due to my fear of being 30 with nobody by my side and my desperate need to fulfill outside expectations, I dated in a panicked state.

Following this blueprint led to a few highly defective relationships, including the last one. The last one left me with some lasting trauma and excessive, poisonous distrust.

As long as the person held similar blueprints, it did not matter what he provided internally either. Anybody was better than nobody. This was an unhealthy thought that I often denied and stuffed in the old, dusty treasure box in the back of my mind. Like a ghost in the attic, it did not exist if I paid no mind to it. But, it was the reason I was unhappy in most of my recent relationships.

I was rushing life to fit the blueprints I created from external pressures rather than mending my internal structure. And, it was no longer working for me.

Practice Mindfulness

For years, I’ve been spinning in midair like an astronaut lost in gravity, unable to move. In truth, I craved the ability to learn to be alone, be single, and learn myself. But, I never had the tools until recently. Therapy and self-help books taught me to change the behaviors that coincided with particular feelings that troubled me most. Mainly, loneliness and anxiety.

When feelings of loneliness dribbled in, practice mindfulness. Why am I lonely? Will this pass? How can I help it pass in a healthy way? What do I need to change to ease these feelings? What am I truly afraid of? I needed to take a few deep breaths. Think about it. Respond. It is not as easy as it sounds.

Two weeks ago, I caught myself attempting to engage in old behaviors by calling up someone who I knew was wrong for me. If I met up with him, something would have happened between us. And, it would have quite possibly destroyed me for another six months. I meditated for ten minutes, responded, and chose to go out with my little sister instead. Meditation saved me for that night. I’d finally replaced a bad habit with a good one.

Lesson #4: Be mindful that validation and fulfillment should be internal, not external. Be mindful of why you are dating and whether you are happy.

Choose To Be Single or Married For the Right Reasons

Human connection comes in many forms besides romance. While I take this hiatus from dating, I have been connecting with myself and others. I realized I could resolve loneliness and the need for fulfillment in a variety of other ways such as spending time with family and friends, meditating and praying, hiking, working out, and volunteering.

Romantic relationships will not cure anxiety. They will not create the meaning of life for you. They will not fulfill every facet of your life. There needs to be a strong foundation and internal structure already in place. For me, I needed to feel confident in who I was and what I wanted.

If I cannot learn to be alone, if I cannot learn to love myself and date for the right reasons, I will continue the destructive patterns that habitually land me in dysfunctional relationships. I will end up in an unhappy marriage, for the sake of being married.

Not only will I be single on purpose, but I will also be alone by choice (no men stashed under my bed or in the recess of my phone as usual). So far, it has been six weeks. I am not saying this is permanent but let’s see how long I can go.

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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.

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