Contributor David Artavia shares solid personal insight about the nature of gay relationships, dating, and sex.
I love being single and not dealing with the hassle of a gay relationship. Too often gay guys fall into a pit of depression and blame themselves for their singleness when the truth is, there is so much potential in it! The longer we appreciate this time, the better we’ll be in the long run when love comes knocking on our door. Here are a few things I’ve learned along the way:
#1) You’re not alone. Single people account for more of the population than ever before. It’s quite easy to feel like we’re the odd duck when it comes to being single since we see most of the world is holding hands with each other. But open your eyes. There’s are plenty more single guys out there than you think.
#2) First impressions are rarely what they appear to be. Human beings are prone to change their mannerisms, points of view, vocal inflections, even appearance to seem better than they actually are. We all do it. It’s a rule of life. Don’t assume a person is what he says he is in the first two hours.
#3) When a guy really likes you, you’ll know it. The truth is when a person has feelings, he wants to live inside your head. He wants to call you, text you, read your Facebook profile and skim through your pictures. If he’s not making any effort AT ALL to stay in contact, it’s a pretty safe bet where his feelings lie.
#4) Sleeping with him on the first date sends a wrong message. I know, I know. Telling a gay guy not to sleep with a man on their first encounter is a long shot. But trust me, not sleeping with him on the first date (and even the second) prolongs a mental form of foreplay that enhances the mystery and imagination, leading to more interest.
#5) Gay Relationships will not solve all your problems. It’s funny how amidst our worries of paying rent, paying our debt, fixing our career paths, planning our retirement, and making the people around us know we love them we focus only on finding a relationship as if it were the end all, be all to other responsibilities. It’s not.
#6) Sex is not more powerful than the connection you create, no matter how much you think it is. A relationship that’s built only on sex always ends when the sex gets boring. A gay relationship built on intimacy, compatibility, trust, loyalty and honest connection will last forever. Sex can change, but a true connection is hard to break.
#7) If imagining a second Christmas or Birthday with him makes you cringe, it’s time to question your future. Clearly your gut is trying to tell you something and the longer you ignore it, the more devastating you will be in the long run.
#8) If you really want him to pay attention to you, pretend you’re less interested than you actually are. It works. And yes, I don’t understand it either. This is different from playing hard to get – that’s a bad thing to do. Simply making him work a bitt harder for your attention tricks him into thinking you’re more valuable. And we all want to be with someone of value.
#9) Bad dates are lessons in disguise. Every date you go on should have something to take from it. Calculate the good from the bad and eventually you’ll see the signs that make you filter out the bad eggs from the good ones.
#10) Liking someone for the wrong reasons never works out. Being attached to a guy simply because he’s good looking, is good at sex, has nice connections or has an awesome apartment is never going to be good for you in the long run.
#11) A gay relationship doesn’t define your worth. Just because you’re single does not mean something is wrong with you or that you need to change everything about yourself in order to find a guy. You have value. We all do. We’ve won the biggest lottery there is in the universe: life. That means we’re worthy of everything it has to offer.
#12) Opposites attract, but similarities stay together. It’s easy to be attracted to our polar opposites simply because they’re more interesting, but in the long run it’s the people who have similar goals, similar tastes, similar morals, and similar plans that stay together.
#13) Whoever prompts the first date must plan it (and possibly pay for it). It’s sheer consideration. If you’re asking a guy to alter his weekend plans for YOU, then it should be without question that you ought to pay. If he offers to split it, then let him. But don’t assume.
#14) Dogs can get you a phone number. Even if it’s your best friend’s dog that you’re taking care of while she’s away for the weekend, take it to the dog park and I guarantee you you’ll be in gay male heaven.
#15) Hearts can lie, but your gut never will. Listening to your intuition is the most important thing anybody can do. It’s the command center of all things YOU. Hearts can be broken. If you’re not careful, you can let it become the loudest voice in your head and soon it’ll become an anchor that prevents you from moving on.
#16) You’ll recognize the ridiculous habits people do when they’re in “love” or like. Love can definitely blind people from reality. When you’re single you’re more able to see it from an outside perspective so that when it happens to you, it’s easier to separate reality from a fantasy.
#17) You teach people how to treat you. The way you handle yourself, whether it’s independently or dependent on others, becomes the catalyst of how society treats you. Don’t be surprised.
#18) No one knows what’s inside your head. People aren’t mind readers. They only know whatever it is you tell them. It’s easy to get aggravated whenever someone can’t relate to you on a personal level, but perhaps you’re not giving them a chance to.
#19) Dating should be more fun than the fantasy. Dating should always be taken with a grain of salt. It’s fun, enjoyable and could last as long as you want it to. When it’s tied down by unreal expectations, you tend to capsize reality. Never compare it to the fantasy in your head.
#20) Everyone chooses the people they have in their lives. No one is permanently attached to your hip. You have a say in whoever you decide to be in your life, even family. Don’t feel obligated to keep people around that don’t deserve to be.
#21) You aren’t as naive as you think. There’s a difference between being optimistic and being naive. Feeling hopeful and positive towards whatever the future holds is a great way of living so long as you learn from past disappointments. Entering new situations having learned something keeps you from repeating mistakes. Go back in your mind and collect everything you’ve learned – I guarantee you it’s a lot.
#22) Unconditional love is more important than conditional love. No person should come into your life with ultimatums or verbal contracts. Love is not only an emotion, it’s the acceptance of everything we are. That’s more powerful than unexpected conditions.
#23) Never date someone you don’t like. There’s no reason to keep a man you don’t like on a leash simply because you want a man around. The longer he’s there, the more time you waste.
#24) Being single isn’t a punishment or a sign that you’re a failure. People are single for many different reasons. In fact, some people are better off being single than in a relationship. Society pressures us into thinking we need a man, when in fact we don’t. You’re not messed up. You don’t need constant therapy to figure out why. Being single isn’t a good or bad thing. Never take it as a depressing sign that you’ve failed at life.
#25) The quality of man you date is proportional to how satisfied you are with your well-being. Your actions and the way you view yourself on the inside and out will alway attract a person who is similar – it’s the law of attraction. When you try to be a better person than you were the day before, you’ll eventually meet a person worthy of the goodness you have to offer.
#26) Everyone has a past. You can’t always expect a man with a clean slate to walk into your life every time. We’ve all traveled down rocky roads and made it out the other end in one piece. Some are stronger than before, while others are still working it out. You’re angel either so you might as well give him the benefit of the doubt.
#27) Settling only brings short-term happiness. Settling might make you feel satisfied for the moment, but it’s never going to welcome longterm satisfaction.
#28) The memories you make while you’re single are the ones you’ll treasure most in the long run. This is the time you can have guilt-free fun and enjoy not being tied down with personal responsibility. It’s the time you can truly test your limits. Enjoy it.
#29) Being single is not the same as being alone. “Alone” is a very harsh word because it bleeds into all aspects of your life. Friends, family, and everyone else you meet in life are reaching out for you to pay attention to them. You’re never alone. That’s the biggest epiphany you will ever have.
#30) You learn to love yourself. Separate from outside pressures, you learn to value your strengths, attitudes, morals, goals, weaknesses, flaws, attributes, perspectives, and everything else that makes you YOU. When there’s no noise, there lies an easier vessel to see things for how they really are.
Photo: David Goehring/Flickr
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