I read an article stating that women going through menopause should not drink coffee or alcohol. My immediate response in my head was, “If you want my coffee and alcohol you’ll have to pry them out of my cold, dead hands.”
Realizing that was a little harsh, I began imagining the dialogue between me and the person trying to take either of those elixirs of life away from me while I was perimenopausal or menopausal. Starting with peri-menopause, when I was alternately shaky, anxious, irritable, angry, exhausted, sleepy, foggy and who remembers what else.
Medical person: “So Carol, I see you drink coffee. You know, caffeine is bad for women your age.”
Me: “What age do you mean? You mean someone old enough to drink whatever the hell they want because they are grown and have responsibilities? That age? The age where I’m raising a child who has to be at school at the ungodly hour of 7:30 a.m. and I have to be at work at 8:30? That age?”
Medical person: “Well, I mean someone who may be going through menopause soon.”
Me: “Oh, you mean an OLD person. Yeah, that’s not me. I don’t have time to get old. I’ve got clients to see, kids to raise, a mortgage to pay, a house to keep up, family to help. All that requires energy, which means caffeine. So we’re done here.”
Medical person: “Hold on a sec. How many alcholic drinks do you have a week?”
Me: “Are we talking wine with dinner? Four to five.”
Medical person: “Four to five?”
Me: “Yes. Four to five drinks a week. Except for the weeks my friends and I can find a happy hour restaurant where kids can hang out. Like one with a playground or skate board ramp. Then it might be five or six.”
Medical person: “Well, technically, you could have one a day. A five-ounce drink. But of course we don’t want to do that. How about you cut back to two five-ounce drinks a week?”
Me: Thinking; (How about you kiss my a**)
Me: “Maybe YOU don’t want to drink one drink a day. Speak for yourself. I drink a glass of wine with dinner most nights. That’s sophisticated and European. The happy hours are my friend time. Which, as a single mom, I’m not giving up. We’re done here.”
Medical person: Sigh.
FIVE YEARS LATER
Medical person: “Well, you’re very healthy for your age.”
Me: “What age is that?”
Medical person: Sigh. “You know. Menopausal.”
Me: “Oh, you mean OLD. Humph. Well, thanks. I try.”
Medical person: “The only thing I can see to be concerned about at all is your blood pressure is slightly elevated.”
Me: “It’s just white coat syndrome. It’ll go down.”
Medical person: “How much coffee do you drink?”
Me: “Enough.”
Medical person: “What is enough?”
Me: “Enough to wake me up so I can get to these appointments and the 50,000 other things I have to do today.”
Medical person: “Maybe the coffee is why your blood pressure is elevated.”
Me: “Or maybe it’s because SOMEBODY keeps asking me silly questions about how much coffee I drink. Moving on.”
Medical person: “Ok, but please limit it to two cups a day. Now, how many alcoholic drinks do you have a week?”
Me: “Seven.”
Medical person: “You drink every day?”
Me: “Wine with dinner, doc. We’ve been through this. Sophisticated and European, remember? Don’t you read all those great stories of the people in Italy who live to be over 100 and drink wine everyday? I’m shooting for that.”
Medical person: “Well, we don’t really know if the wine contributes to their health and longevity or not. It could be the climate or the Mediterranean diet.”
Me: “Look. I have hot flashes, I’m getting a baby bump, and I’m obviously not pregnant, I have trouble sleeping, my sex drive is waving goodbye, and I want one thing from you. Hormones.”
Medical person: “We can certainly do that. It will still help to cut back on coffee and wine.”
Me: “Tell you what doc. Give me the hormones, and I’ll send you a postcard from Italy on my 100th birthday. If you’re still around.”
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
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