Cold Hard Truths About Female Friendships I Learned the Hard Way

She is calling you at midnight. Again.

You know she’s about to drag you into her mushy swamp of drama. Your stomach suddenly turns. A rush of stress and anxiety rises within you.

You’ve been here before, so you know you should just ignore the call. But those ropes of guilt tugging on your heart cannot let you.

So you pick up. Hop in your car and head over there to rescue her from whatever drama she has tangled herself up with.

You get there, and suddenly, her drama becomes your drama. Because you are friends.

But do friends keep dragging each other into dangerous holes? How many times do you have to tell someone to get their act together to qualify as a real friend? Does it mean you have to carry their burden forever?

The truth is scenarios like these are prevalent in female friendships.

But if there’s one thing maturity teaches you, it’s that, at times, you are the perpetrator of your own chaos.

I look back at relationships I ruined because I was encased in my own cocoon of insecurity.

But I’m also now a hundred percent sure that beneath the veil of friendliness, some of my “friends” didn’t come from a good place.

All this to say that navigating the messy world of female friendships has taught me some pretty solid lessons.

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If you aren’t getting what you require from a friendship — support, companionship, and enjoyment, you’re draining your energy and emotions.

When Sally calls, do you experience stomach disturbance, a headache, or even low-level anxiety?

The phone rings. You sigh and think, “What now?”

It’s time to ask yourself why your energy shifts this way.

Too many people have friends for the sake of it — to fill a void in their lives because they somehow found themselves with these people.

They don’t know what to expect. Or what to give.

So and they stick around friends who make them experience emotions they shouldn’t.

It took me years to learn that friendships should enrich and grow you, even if it means delivering the cold hard truth when you need to hear it.

That said, you should be with people who make you feel good, happy, and fulfilled.

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Just because you share similar values doesn’t mean that person won’t cause you distress.

One of my best friends was a fabulous chick. Great personality and funnier than any comedian I’ve seen.

But boy did she have one major screaming flaw- She was so damn flaky. We had gone over this many times before, and nothing.

But one day, the penny dropped.

I organized to attend a concert, but did she show up? Nope. Did she call to say she was bailing out? Nope.

That was when I knew I couldn’t live with the certainty of her unreliability. I wanted stability.

Sadly, when I decided we could be friends from a distance, the fabric of our friendship began to fray.

This isn’t to say that’s how you should react. Maybe I should have been more patient with her. Maybe I should have just accepted her for who she was.

But that isn’t the point.

The point is to make you aware that each time you go into a relationship, you should be prepared to pay the cost of the other person’s rough edges.

People will continuously reveal unexpected behaviors that will leave you feeling unsettled and questioning whether you really know them well enough.

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If you don’t trust that someone has your best interests at heart, it’s a clear sign that something is broken.

I’m going to state the obvious — it’s not that complicated to know when someone wants the best for you. Your win becomes their win.

But the lines can get a bit blurry if you’re dealing with a guilt inducer.

A guilt inducer is that one friend who plays victim every single time and makes you feel guilty for saying no to them. It takes a while for a guilt inducer to reveal their true colors.

They lose their job, and you lend them some cash.

But then they start to expect it. They forget that everyone has boundaries regarding their stuff.

So the one day they ask, and you say no, they make you feel guilty for not helping them. They make you feel bad for not taking care of their needs.

See, there’s something very wrong with that picture. When people manipulate you into doing what they want, they don’t have your best interests at heart.

There comes a time when an adult has to learn to respect someone’s boundaries and accept that that person may not always be willing to give them what they need for one reason or another.

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Fact: Your friends aren’t life-long friends.

Back when we lived in villages, we built female friendships that lasted a lifetime because we never left. That’s not the case now.

If there’s something that hit me like a ton of bricks — and liberated me — it’s coming to terms with the truth that female friendships are seasonal.

When we get over the reason for bonding, we outgrow each other, and the friendship fizzles out.

Sure, some people stay with us for a lifetime, but those are very rare.

The sooner we accept that, the easier we will be able to move on without nursing heartbreaks — because friendship heartbreaks hurt, at times, more deeply than romantic ones.

Photo by Vonecia Carswell on Unsplash

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Over the years, I’ve been — and seen people — entangled in toxic relationships but didn’t know they were.

So while the following list of toxic traits may be familiar, it bears repeating. You’re in a toxic female friendship if:

Being with them brings out behaviors you normally wouldn’t exhibit.

Sure, we’re all adults here, capable of managing our behavior, but we’re also “herd animals” who derive energy from those around us.

There’s something to be said about people who encourage you down the slippery slope of evil behavior.

Rather than be excited, you feel knots in your belly when they call.

These are the guys you have to drag out of their self-imposed pits of drama every time.

There’s continuous low-key competition with each other.

I’m all for healthy competition because we should be here to propel the trajectory of our lives upward.

But if it starts to feel like a wrestling match, clearly, jealousy and insecurity are at play.

They egg on others to make fun of someone.

You’d think this stopped happening when we left high school. But it’s a prevalent trend on social media.

I fail to see the benefit of being friends with such people because what they do to someone else today, they’ll turn around and do to you tomorrow.

They have zero respect for your boundaries and don’t take you seriously.

At times, the things not said speak louder.

They drag you into their trouble repeatedly.

People who get in trouble often underestimate the danger of the situation.

This is why they don’t think twice before stirring trouble when they’re with you.

I find these types of people dangerous because we’re living at a time when it’s incredibly hard to blot out a criminal offense, which can ruin your entire life.