Coming to Terms With My Big, Stupid Heart

I was 15 when I realized that I was bisexual. But, living in an ultra-conservative country, I was never brave enough to truly explore that side of me.

Secretly, I had fallen in love with various men and women in my life. The men I could explore things further, but the women had to be kept at a distance. My heart ached, passing on the various relationships I probably missed out on.

I was 18 when I was finally brave enough to come out to my family. My siblings were excited, my mother was confused. She still is confused.

“But, you’ve never had a girlfriend?” she’d say, to this day.

And sometimes: “Why can’t you decide whether you like boys or girls?”

But my “decision” is — I like both.

And that is completely normal.

It’s completely fine for some people to find both men and women sexually attractive. And it’s fine for some to be unable to pursue some of those feelings because of where they grew up. It is fine to like both.

Sexuality isn’t rocket science. You either are attracted to someone, or you’re not.

I know who I am and I don’t need to prove it to anyone but myself. And that is exactly what I’ve done, from the moment I discovered my sexuality.

On a sidenote, it baffles me how bisexual people get sh*t from not only heterosexuals, but a lot of the LGBT community as well — despite us being responsible for the “B” of the mix. Although that’s probably a discussion for another Medium piece, if I can bring myself to write it.

The over-complication of my sexuality by others did not stop me from occasionally testing the waters, whenever I felt brave enough to be intimate with another woman (read: intoxicated). However, the fear of being found out and punished overrode any desire to pursue further relationships.

But then I turned 20, and learned MUCH more about myself.

As if being bisexual was complicated enough, I discovered something else.

Sitting in my bedroom, I was telling my then best friend about my confused feelings for three different people — I liked this person the same as this person. The three of them made me feel the same way. But how can that be?

Is something wrong with me? — my brain kept asking.

One quick Google search led that friend to tell me that maybe I could be polyamorous. He sent me links to various websites on the topic. The more I read, the more pieces clicked into place.

For the uninitiated, polyamory involves having the capacity to love more than one person. Not everyone is polyamorous, just like not every person is heterosexual. I believe that discovering the state of one’s “amorousness” is similar to that of one’s sexuality — it comes with time.

For me, it was that day, when I sat on my bed crying to my best friend.

Sidenote: You can be polyamorous and be in a monogamous relationship. Although, being polyamorous shouldn’t be an excuse to be disloyal. As I’ve learned from a close, polyamorous friend: the keys to all relationships, whether monogamous or polygamous, are respect and honesty.

Again, due to the country of my birth, I could never pursue those feelings further and I’ve never experienced polyamory in its totality. I, instead, had found other ways of determining the accuracy of my friend’s findings.

Six years later, I still hold that discovery true and the longer I’ve thought about it, the more confident I am in my reasoning:

I have a big-ass heart…and that’s OK.

Thankfully, I’ve since then moved out of that country, although I have been in a long-term relationship with a heterosexual, monogamous man, whom I do love very deeply. I know this because I wake up every day with a flutter in my heart. A smile spreads upon my face every time I look into his sometimes-blue, sometimes-green eyes.

He makes me laugh, he makes me cry. But, damn, do I love him.

That doesn’t mean I’m any less bisexual. I still look at women and get hit with the “Oh, you’re attractive” tingles. But, I don’t act on those feelings.

And that doesn’t make me any less polyamorous. My loyalty and respectfulness are key parts of my being and if it isn’t something my partner is open to, then I will not pursue. I still love so many other people, despite not being able to develop anything further.

And I still fall in love with other people, no matter how much it hurts me to the core of my heart.

I’ve accepted myself for who I am — bisexual, polyamorous, and proud.

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Previously Published on medium

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