Confirming 'The One' With Only 3 Qs

Disclaimer: First of all, I am not an expert. However, I recently proposed to my girlfriend, so I believe I have confirmed my “The One”.

The concern for should we believe and chase for “the one” or have a realistic approach to “the one” is, of course, valid but not a part of this piece.

. . .

From my experience, you only need to answer three questions to confirm if your partner is “The One”

1- Accept the fact that your partner is not going to change. Not a single bit. Are you OK with who s/he is right now?

2- What is the deepest emotion you need to feel in a relationship/partnership? Does your partner enable you to feel that emotion to the fullest?

3- Now, forget about question one and accept the fact that both you and your partner are going to change with time. Do you feel confident that both of you can adjust to these changes?

. . .

Before continuing this article, you need to be OK with the possibility of your current partner is not “The One” for you. You had partners before and you will have partners in the future. It is not the end for you, remember what you felt when you first broke up with your partners in the past and think how you feel about it now.

Time heals your wounds. Take it easy on yourself.

Q1 – Accept the fact that your partner is not going to change. Not a single bit. Are you OK with who s/he is right now?

This is the hardest one to accept. There are two reasons why. The first reason is we generally do not accept that we would like to change our partner. Instead, we generally rationalize things we would like to change. The most common rationalization is probably, enhancing. We say ourselves, “I am trying to enhance and make my partner better, it is for her/his own good.”

For example, we want our girlfriends to wear more high heels instead of sneakers. Because high heels would make our girlfriends seem more professional and help their professional career.

Right? Most probably not.

Stripping the rationalization from our wish shows our core goal. We would like to transform our partner to our liking. Yes, we do like how they are right now as well but everyone can be always better at some aspect. Wanting these changes from and directing our partner is not healthy. While your current relationship can be going fine, your partner may not be your “The One”.

However, this does not mean that your partner is not going to change. We will cover a different kind of change in Q3 but your partner may wear high heels if they feel that it is important to you, but they also may not. It is crucial to accept that in the end, it is their choice and you need to be OK with whatever they choose. If s/he is “The One” them wearing high heels, having a beard should not affect how you see them.

Q2 – What is the deepest emotion you need to feel in a relationship/partnership? Does your partner enable you to feel that emotion to the fullest?

This is the hardest one to answer. Because it requires a kind of enlightenment on your part. Not everyone has found the deepest emotion they would like to experience in a relationship. While it is hard, it needs to be found through trial and error. If you are lucky, the number of trials is low, if not, you may need to go through more than a couple of heartbreaks.

There are various different emotions that can be your deepest but I think it is best to go through an example. My deepest emotion that I would like to experience in a relationship is feeling safe. And what feeling safe means for me is; knowing my partner love me because who I actually am at my core, knowing my partner would not leave me for someone else (only time will tell about this one), knowing that if I got attacked emotionally my partner will save me and knowing that if I am at my lowest point, my partner will hold me and get me up. Remember, this is just an example and yours can be the totally opposite (whatever that means in this context).

The search for your deepest emotional desire has also a different benefit than identifying your “The One”. It allows you to see your relationships not as, success or fail but progress. Progress through finding your deepest emotional desire.

It goes like this, you have a hypothesis, “I would like to date someone who deeply loves me and will be there for me. I would like s/he to make me feel appreciated 24/7.” You find the perfect one matching this hypothesis, but they are so jealous that you cannot even hang out with your friends and you feel trapped. You understand that s/he is not the perfect one for you. You come up with a different hypothesis, “I would like to date someone, who allows me to be free but is there for whenever I would need.” You find the new perfect one matching this hypothesis, but you always have to call them set up dates, create time to hang out and you feel like it is more a friendship than a relationship. You again understand that s/he is not the perfect one for you. Through this progress, you can find your deepest emotional desire, and with that be able to identify your “The One”.

Q3 – Now, forget about question one and accept the fact that both you and your partner are going to change with time. Do you feel confident that both of you can adjust to these changes?

What the f*** is this? Didn’t we accept the fact that your partner is not going to change? That is what should we expect and prepare ourselves for. We need to be ready for our partner not to change and accept them whoever they are. However, this is rarely the reality. People change, almost every day but little by little. The difference here is that you are trying to identify “The One” to most probably spend your life with. These little by little daily changes will add up and your partner will change, whether you like it or not. Maybe they will stop listening to Daft Punk and instead listen to only Andre Rieu. Now, they hate peach which they adored when you met but their favorite fruit is Durian (which is highly unlikely but, anyway).

You cannot expect and prepare for every change that your partner will have. This is partly because you will also change. Do you remember the times you loved your partner’s touchy-feely approach which made you feel loved? Now, you are trying your best to smile and not be revolted.

The important part is to feel confident in your relationship that you will adapt to these changes, whatever they are because you love your partner at their core. Not for their preferences. You feel that you are compatible to come over challenges that time puts in front of you. You know that both of you will be present in the relationship and listen to the other not to respond but to understand. You will appreciate both your partner for who they are and what they bring to the relationship with their efforts. If these seems stretched for you, I have bad news for you. Please read again the paragraph which starts with “Before continuing this article” and accept. Or ask yourself, if your partner is “The One” for you.

. . .

These are the three questions I found useful to my journey finding “The One” for myself. Not everyone believes in “The One”, nor they should. The concern for should we believe and chase for “The One” or have a realistic approach to “The One” is valid. As in every subjective matter, it all depends on you and how you feel.

—

This post was previously published on Hello, Love and is republished here with permission from the author.
—

***