Confronting My Complacency: On Learning to Curate an Intentional Life

There’s a reason we call it the comfort zone. It’s easy to settle into the familiar. At first, it’s an intentional choice, but later, it’s the passive choice we continue to make because it seems too hard or too inconvenient to make any other. We get stuck, but we tell ourselves things like, “If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” We forget that things don’t always have to be broken to outlive their usefulness to us.

As uncomfortable as it is, I’ve had to confront my complacency.

I’ve started questioning different aspects of my life to see if I’m still intentionally curating my existence or if I’ve fallen into a routine because it doesn’t require effort or change. I’ve had the unsettling sensation lately that I’m repeating a pattern that doesn’t serve me.

I’ve been in the same casual relationship for the last couple of years. I understood the terms when I went into it. It was never going to be anything more than casual, and I was okay with that because the last serious relationship I had flung my emotions around like a ragdoll. I was tired. It was a relief to understand the parameters. I’d have friendship along with physical intimacy, and I wouldn’t have to worry or wonder about where I stood when the communication remained open.

But sometimes, I wonder if I’m still intentionally choosing this or if it’s a passive choice because it meets some of my needs. Am I still involved because it feels like the right choice for this part of my life, or am I settling … again … for less than I really want? No one can answer these questions for me, and I’ve struggled to answer them for myself.

In truth, I want it all. I want everything. I’ve always wanted everything. I want a love that’s so strong it leaves no room for doubt. I want an epic romance with an emotionally available human being. I want to share my life with someone who makes me laugh. I want to have the comfort of an equal partner.

I thought I’d found that, and I was wrong. It caused a massive internal reset. I spent so much time trying to figure out how my instincts could have been so wrong. It was such a fragile time for me, and a casual relationship felt like the right move for my still-broken heart to handle.

If I can’t have a strong and equal relationship, then I do want friendship and intimacy in my life to complement the rest of it. I want to enjoy my solo existence without having to entirely give up sex and companionship. I want casual relationships to still be meaningful.

And I don’t want to be a secret. I don’t want to be the one invited into the bedroom but not out for dinner or to that neighborhood block party all the other friends were invited to attend. I want to be a priority, not the person squeezed into the schedule only when it’s convenient.

In truth, I’ve failed to advocate for myself.

I’ve fallen back into the pattern of being passive because I’m so afraid that asking for what I want will mean the end of what I have. But I know that failing to ask only leaves me with a growing sense of disquiet.

I’ve decided that this is where the work lies for my relationships. At a certain point, my anxiety kicks in, and I trade authenticity for people-pleasing because it feels safer. I stop asking for what I need because I have a history of people telling me I need too much. It’s not the terms of the relationship that are the problem. It’s my failure to advocate for equity in those terms — or to speak up to adjust them as needed.

Relationships change over time. So do people. It doesn’t matter if we’re committed or casual, sometimes our needs just change. The answer might not always be quitting the relationship. Sometimes, we just need to speak up and see if the other party is willing to make some adjustments so that we feel seen, heard, and appreciated.

The problem is that most of us flawed human beings don’t speak up. We expect other people to read our minds and magically know what it is we want. If we change, we expect people to intuit that and adjust accordingly.

But that’s not how it works. We have to speak up for what we want and need, and we also have to be willing to consider the other person. Sometimes, we’ll have to make adjustments. At other times, the only adjustment to be made is to dissolve the relationship. We won’t know unless we talk about the feelings we’re having and how they impact the relationship.

I’m trying to curate an intentional life.

It’s not easy. There are so many routine responsibilities that it can be difficult to make time for the things that make our lives worth living. I try to infuse those routine tasks with a sense of intention. I add music to household and garden chores. I try not to do things that feel like I’m wasting my time. Sometimes, I’ll trade an evening of mindless television watching for working on a craft I’ve meant to do or reading a book.

I’m crafting a life that feels good to me, and when a relationship begins to feel not-so-good, then I need to examine what’s changed. I think it’s me. Lately, I’ve missed waking up beside a partner. Sometimes, my children will do something so amazing or adorable that I want to look across at another person and share that glow of pride and appreciation. I want to have date nights and days of just being able to talk out my feelings. I want a shoulder to cry on sometimes and a person to take care of me when I’m sick.

And if I can’t have that all of the time, I want that some of the time. I don’t want to feel like I’m being squeezed into a schedule or seen only when it’s convenient. I don’t want to feel sidelined just because the relationship isn’t exclusive or traditional. I still want to feel like I matter.

I have to advocate for myself even when my anxiety urges me to keep quiet. I have to speak up because I know from experience that those urgent whispers eventually evolve into silent screams. I know that no one is going to read my mind, and no one else can know what it is I want or need. Especially not when I struggle to know it for myself.

I don’t want to be complacent. I want to look at my life, and if I see something that needs to change, I don’t want to stay frozen in indecision. I want to make a move. To speak up. To release the ball of anxiety lodged in my throat and the weight pressing down my heart. I want to be able to see a need for change and call it out for what it is. It’s a make-or-break moment, and I have to stop waiting for someone else to make it or break it.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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