Confusing Shhh Men Say (And What They Really Mean) [Video]

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For today’s brand-new video, I asked you to send me the “most confusing thing a guy’s ever said to you,” and you didn’t disappoint.

From classic excuses to creative new ones, you’ll learn how to figure out whether what he’s saying is actually a red flag indicating that he’s just looking for something casual with you, or whether it’s safe to proceed. Together we’ll walk through 9 of the top excuses so you know how to spot them in the future and avoid unnecessary pain.

Transcript provided by YouTube:

0:00
welcome to another one of my videos
0:03
today we are going to be talking about
0:04
the confusing things that men say but
0:08
men before in the comments you say that
0:10
women are confusing too maybe we’ll do a
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future episode on the confusing things
0:14
that women say but we did put out the
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word on my Instagram at the Matthew
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Hussey for those of you who aren’t
0:22
following me yet we put out the word and
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said what’s something confusing a man
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has said to you so we’re going to read
0:29
you some of these things today in fact
0:30
the wonderful Audrey is going to read us
0:33
some of these things and I am going to
0:35
be attempting
0:37
to dissect them which Lord knows isn’t
0:40
easy all right let’s go what’s the first
0:42
one
0:43
kind of girl you marry not
0:47
well it’s flattering you isn’t it
0:49
firstly it’s saying there are qualities
0:52
about you that one would look for in a
0:55
long-term partner but it’s also kind of
0:58
uh I don’t know I don’t know what he
1:00
said after that but it I feel like I’m
1:02
not the only one in the room who thinks
1:04
that that came with some kind of excuse
1:06
about him not being ready when you say
1:08
no you’re the kind of person you marry
1:10
not the kind of person you date that to
1:12
me is a way of saying and I’m the kind
1:14
of person who’s only willing to date
1:16
right now and therefore I can’t proceed
1:20
with you it might also from being really
1:23
honest be uh kind of cue that this
1:26
person isn’t sexually attracted you have
1:29
wonderful qualities but I don’t feel
1:32
that chemistry with you otherwise I’d be
1:35
trying to jump you right now number two
1:37
we have I like you too much to be with
1:40
you I like you too much to be with you
1:43
so I like you too much to be with you
1:47
that says to me I am absolutely 100
1:51
going to hurt you I like you too much to
1:55
be with you is a way of saying I’m not
1:58
really looking for anything
2:00
serious so I can’t I’m not going to
2:02
invest in you in any real way but I do
2:05
like you I like you enough that you know
2:08
we should probably keep having sex but I
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don’t want to go any further than that
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with you but it’s also again notice the
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pattern here the flattery I like you too
2:18
much to be with you notice it’s flattery
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but it’s confusing flattery if you think
2:25
about it it’s quite clever because it
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says I’m flattering you I’m dazzling you
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with a compliment at the same time as
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telling you that I can’t give you any
2:34
more than I’m giving you right now so
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I’m simultaneously peaking your interest
2:39
and and giving you a reason to keep
2:41
trying with me
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while excusing myself from trying it all
2:46
with you number three we have
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past two years I was lying to both of us
2:56
and said
2:57
I need you in my life I love you let’s
3:00
try again okay well hmm that’s that to
3:05
me is I use the analogy recently of he
3:09
jumped ship he decided that this ship
3:12
wasn’t one that he wanted to be on
3:13
anymore maybe he hadn’t wanted to be on
3:15
it for a long time but he finally got up
3:17
the courage to leave maybe he’d never
3:20
felt the way he really wanted to feel
3:22
deep down or maybe you know he’s
3:25
confused about what Love Actually is and
3:27
there’s this grass is greener scenario
3:29
where he thinks that there’s some
3:31
elusive feeling out there that he
3:34
doesn’t feel in here and so he jumped
3:37
ship and then he realized he couldn’t
3:40
swim now it might be that he thought
3:42
that another boat was going to come by
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and it was going to be a better boat and
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there were a bunch of boats that came by
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but none of them felt better none of
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them felt like the thing he was looking
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for there was some rusty Tugboat that
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came along and he thought I don’t want
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to get that there’s a boat full of
3:59
pirates or maybe it was just open water
4:01
and he just found himself treading water
4:04
but he realized I’m not a strong enough
4:06
swimmer to do this because of course
4:07
when we leave a relationship we have to
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learn how to swim other than just
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jumping on another boat which usually
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isn’t a good idea we have to learn how
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to swim how to how to be okay on our own
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and I think he realized he panicked I
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think he got in the water it was a bit
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cold and I think his legs got a bit
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tired and he thought oh no I can’t do
4:30
this and I don’t think he went back out
4:31
of love and think he went back out of
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fear and told you it was love the
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problem with what he said is he said for
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two years I’ve been lying to you and
4:40
myself so now you’ve got in your head
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that for two years you’ve not been
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living the same reality as me how do you
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recover from that in two weeks has he
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done all the healing necessary in the
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space of two weeks I don’t think so I
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think he panicked I think nothing has
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changed on his side and someone like
4:57
that if they are let back in should be
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let back in incredibly slowly number
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four let’s just take it
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let’s just take it day by day well look
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firstly that’s the sort of thing that
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sounds completely rational it sounds
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like the voice of reason at the very
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beginning of dating if someone at the
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end of a date too said so what are we
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you might be justified in saying let’s
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let’s just take it day by day for now
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and see you know see where we are in a
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few dates we’ve only been on two dates
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that would be a reasonable thing to say
5:35
but if at the point where you are
5:38
starting to or you’re there’s this sort
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of expectation that you behave like a
5:43
girlfriend and that means seeing them
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regularly it means comforting them on
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bad days it means coming over on a sick
5:51
day and bringing this person’s soup it
5:54
means meeting each other’s friends or
5:56
family it means being involved on a
5:58
consistent basis in each other’s lives
6:00
and when you try to ask where this is
6:03
going that person says let’s just take
6:05
it day by day that is someone who wants
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you very much to live in the present
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because the present is all they can
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offer you they are not looking for a
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relationship they are looking for an
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experience number five
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we aren’t really dating dating
6:25
we’re not really dating dating we’re not
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I thought we were dating dating dating
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we’re not really dating data I mean that
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means what you and I are doing is we are
6:37
exchanging messages with the goal of
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being in the same room
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at the same time
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where we can take our clothes off dating
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dating means it’s progressing dating
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dating means that there’s some intention
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behind this there’s no intention but oh
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God no there’s no intention behind this
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this is just
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you and me
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uh getting to a place getting to a room
7:06
where it’s appropriate for us to take
7:09
our clothes off number six
7:12
you’re too independent you’re too
7:15
independent that says to me I am used to
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feeling important by being with someone
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who is in need whether it’s financially
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whether it’s psychologically they’ve got
7:28
some kind of issue or challenge in their
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life and I have some kind of power by
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what I can give and that’s what makes me
7:39
feel important that’s what feeds my ego
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that’s what makes me feel safe and
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indispensable and the fact that you have
7:46
your together the fact that you
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don’t seem to need me the fact that you
7:50
have things going on in your life
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means that I don’t have my ego fed in
7:57
that way and I don’t know how to get my
8:00
significance from a more nutritional
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internal source and therefore I’m
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worried that because I have no power
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over you in the way that I’m used to I
8:08
don’t have leverage over you in the way
8:10
that I’m used to that I am livable that
8:13
I am dispensable and that makes me feel
8:15
unsafe and therefore the stakes feel too
8:18
high in this situation I need to go to a
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place where I can feel important and
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Powerful again number seven
8:27
I can’t get away with with you
8:29
you’re too smart
8:32
firstly the I think it’s hilarious that
8:34
this person has admitted in this
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sentence that their abortion or in the
8:39
first place how low does he think or
8:43
assume her standards are that she’s
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gonna be interested by the end of this
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sentence having just expressed that his
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normal MO is to people and it’s
8:56
also a great kind of way of saying
8:59
you’re in control when she’s not really
9:02
in control it’s a way of pandering look
9:05
how smart you are I can’t even get away
9:07
with my with you but it’s a way
9:09
of making her feel like you know that
9:13
he’s naked in front of her when in fact
9:16
of course there will be so much more
9:19
she doesn’t know about but it’s
9:21
a way of saying look at you you’ve got
9:23
me all figured out while over here I
9:26
continue to you number eight
9:29
I can’t give you a title but I act like
9:33
your boyfriend aren’t actions enough for
9:36
you you know we used to say all the time
9:39
and I still believe this watch someone’s
9:41
actions not their words if someone
9:44
treats you really badly all the time but
9:46
says I love you
9:48
their actions are what matter you say
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you love me but you treat me horribly
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that’s what matters but there is an
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addendum to that when someone is giving
9:59
you the treatment you think you want but
10:01
they’re words
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say something undesirable especially if
10:07
that undesirable thing they’re saying
10:09
should hurt their chances of getting a
10:11
good result with you you should believe
10:13
that thing
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and that what he’s said falls into that
10:17
latter category he said I can’t give you
10:20
a title but I act like your boyfriend
10:23
aren’t actions enough for you this is
10:26
him playing on the logic that actions
10:29
mean more than words but in this case
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his words mean everything because his
10:33
words give away his true intentions if
10:37
someone says to you I don’t want to give
10:40
us a title
10:41
well that might upset you
10:43
that might even drive you away
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and if I say something that could upset
10:49
you or drive you away but I’ve said it
10:51
anyway
10:52
then that thing is much more likely to
10:55
be true that thing is much more likely
10:58
to be trustworthy because what motive
11:00
could I have for saying it other than
11:03
that I feel like I need to when this
11:05
person says I don’t want to give us a
11:07
title what they’re saying is I want to
11:10
experience being in a relationship but I
11:13
don’t want any of the commitment of
11:15
being in one and I want to make sure
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that I can leave this easily at any time
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because I don’t actually want anything
11:22
with you in the future I so at at worst
11:26
I want to be able to sleep with other
11:27
people and I think by not giving us a
11:29
title I can still do that at best I’m
11:33
being monogamous with you but I have a
11:35
deep seated aversion to any real
11:38
commitment or any real idea of building
11:40
something so I am liable to hurt you
11:44
down the line when I realize that this
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is all too much so this is one of those
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rare instances where you have to pay
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attention to exactly what they’re saying
11:52
because what they’re saying is
11:54
inconvenient for them to say it doesn’t
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help their chances of winning you over
12:00
it doesn’t make them more likeable it
12:03
doesn’t increase the odds of them having
12:06
sex with you tonight or you still being
12:08
around a month from now it could
12:10
actually push you away and if someone is
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saying something that is to their own
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detriment and inconvenience that thing
12:18
is actually much more likely to be true
12:21
and last but not least we have the Old
12:24
Faithful it’s not you it’s me it’s not
12:28
you it’s me a lot of the things we’ve
12:31
heard today are kind of in that vein
12:33
it’s not you it’s me I’m complicated
12:36
there’s something going on with me
12:39
when you create that impression the
12:42
person goes
12:43
well if there’s nothing wrong with me
12:45
then you must like me and if you like me
12:48
then there’s hope
12:49
and if there’s something going on with
12:51
you then we can fix that then it’s not
12:54
you it’s me logic can actually get us
12:57
trapped in a cycle of trying with
13:00
someone we shouldn’t be trying with any
13:02
time
13:03
someone acts really complicated
13:07
for good or bad reason
13:09
remember that for the worst kinds of
13:12
people or even just for the kind of
13:14
lightly manipulative people or the
13:16
people that are just kind of selfish
13:18
being complicated actually works because
13:22
if I think you’re amazing you’re just so
13:25
great I just can’t you’re perfect your
13:28
marriage material you’re incredible I
13:31
like you so much I just can’t because of
13:35
blah blah blah complication complication
13:37
complication remember that people who
13:39
give you complications people who
13:41
confuse you
13:43
they are achieving something very often
13:45
with that confusion it’s a bit like if I
13:48
give you a riddle you’re so distracted
13:50
by the riddle and how to figure that out
13:53
how to how to get past this confusion
13:56
that I’m feeling or this hurt that I’ve
13:58
been through in my life or these
14:00
complications in my feelings if you’re
14:02
busy with that then you’re not paying
14:05
attention to how little I’m actually
14:07
giving you and for a lot of people
14:09
that’s exactly what they’re trying to
14:11
achieve let me distract you from how
14:14
little I’m giving you
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by giving you this complicated scenario
14:19
that your mind is now going to go to
14:21
work on we have to always remember this
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and I’ve said it many times
14:25
someone will give you their reasons you
14:28
need to stick to your reality and if
14:30
your reality is that this person isn’t
14:33
committing they’re not giving you very
14:35
much they’re not showing up for you
14:37
they’re confusing you constantly that’s
14:40
your reality regardless of whether their
14:43
reasons for being confusing and
14:45
complicated are malicious or sympathetic
14:48
it doesn’t change your reality before
14:52
you go I have something very cool to
14:54
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and I’ll see you next time

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This post was previously published on YouTube.

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