In this day and age, it really is absurdly reductive to still be using the term ‘Daddy Issues’, which basically pertains to blaming a woman’s strained relationship with her father on complex dating issues. Why? Because in the dating arena this toxic term actually equates to being ‘damaged goods’, i.e. too wounded, vulnerable, sensitive, or needy around men, and therefore, undateable.
Let’s take a more balanced view, what human on the planet hasn’t had a strained relationship with their parents at some point or other, which may inevitably affect their adult relationships? Everyone, that’s who, because there are no perfect parents, no perfect children.
So, why do we specifically point towards the woman in this context, when 9 times out of 10 it’s actually the fault of that other predictable stereotype: the ‘Bad Man’, i.e. the commitment-phobe, the emotionally unavailable avoidant type who bails at any and every opportunity, blaming everyone but himself for everything, and taking personal accountability for nothing?
One could argue, of course, that it’s the woman’s fault for being sideswiped by the Bad Man in the first place. But, believe me, it’s so easily done, for he is a slippery fish; a master of disguise, who momentarily parks his sideshow of chaos to become the living embodiment of the charismatic, thoughtful, interested, interesting man we so want him to be. Predictably, the faster you run away from this type of man, the faster he’ll run towards you.
There are a distinctive set of characteristics adopted by the so-called Bad Man which make him insanely attractive to women (whether they have Daddy Issues or not). Common among them are: exceptionally good taste in music; impressive good looks or roguish charm, a tendency to move no less than a hundred miles an hour between multiple continents and to oscillate wildly between love bombing and gaslighting, all whilst being a dazzling raconteur and devilish wit.
These tropes can be so intoxicating that you tend to overlook the fact that the Bad Man always has a very convincing story as to why he walked out on his partner when she was 7 months pregnant/ refuses to pay child maintenance/ regularly spends 6 months out of the country / has had a succession of cars, properties, and ‘on/off’ relationships for the last decade/ garners a lifelong ambition to spend a year touring Europe in an ice cream van/ loses all interest in you the MINUTE you capitulate and respond to his advances.
Even more dangerous than the Bad Man is the so-called Reformed Bad Man, or Bad Man gone Good, aka the Holy Grail of lost causes.
Case in point: on a recent trip to Asia I had a run-in with just such a man, who arrived hot on the heels of his many predecessors, but seemingly much more wholesome. Despite his alpha male characteristics and charismatic hoop-la, he also possessed an insanely attractive vulnerability, and underneath his roguish facade was endearingly shy and tender; the archetypal Man with the Child in His Eyes…and this is what really reeled me in.
This man quickly became everything I wanted him to be, then true to form, the minute I responded favourably, he was out the door, leaving me with nothing but a humongous hotel bill and quietly breaking heart.
The night before he left, he ripped off his enigmatic mask like a plaster, drank six large beers in quick succession, blamed his bad behaviour entirely on me, then skulked off into the darkness, dragging his backpack behind him, like a lion retreating with its kill.
My first reaction was to agree with him and blame this sorry state of affairs on myself. Clearly, my Daddy Issues must have frightened him away. For all my withholding and careful avoidance of the red flags, I must still be too needy, my expectations too high, my feelings too intense. Yet only the previous day, he had been clutching at his heart saying: you know how I feel about you don’t you?, whilst making lavish plans to extend his visa and explore the hill plantations with me by train. It took a lot of convincing from a trusted friend to put me straight during the shit show that subsequently ensued, during which it quickly transpired that this man had several on/off girlfriends, a child stashed safely back at home, and a thinly veiled drinking problem.
An epiphany of sorts then occurred in me: clearly, this shambolic man, like all his shady predecessors, was a fantasist and emotional coward who had no handle on his own life or emotions and had merely dragged me into the fray as a temporary diversion from his problems. Further, his bad behaviour had nothing to do with me or my Dad; it was entirely on him.
Typically, the minute I stood up to him and demanded recompense, he generously reimbursed me, then proceeded to love bomb me with tender emails from the Himalayas, safe in the knowledge that by this time I was thousands of miles out of reach in snowy England.
As for me, well I quickly contracted pleurisy, abruptly pulled the plug on all communication with him, and have — fingers crossed — successfully managed to avoid Bad Men ever since.
To be honest, if I had a pound for every time a female friend shared a story just like this, I wouldn’t need to write on Medium, or for that matter, anywhere else.
Recently, my friends and I have been discussing the possibility of phasing out men altogether, and responding more favourably to female advances…but somehow there’s just no substitute for glancing at a muscular forearm shifting gears, or salivating over a tanned neck rising above a white shirt collar, or feeling the weight of a man beneath the bed covers…
My advice? Ditch these toxic labels and stop playing the Blame Game altogether… and if you’re female, next time just make doubly sure the man in question is a genuine keeper, not the type to do a runner and blame it on you or your Father.
—
Previously Published on Medium
—