I want to find my equal.
I want an equal partnership.
I want someone that can bring the same level of work ethic I do.
Have you ever heard these tired cliches before?
Is it true? Is the pinnacle of good relationship equality in its truest sense?
Which marriages and relationships are happiest? And is it the same for men and women? These questions are becoming a growing topic of discussion about intimate partnerships as the roles of men and women in families have shifted dramatically. The world is changing. As the roles of men and women shift, their relationships become like a chameleon in a kaleidoscope, continuously adapting to a myriad of evolving colors and patterns.
Power dynamics are at play in any relationship, and the pursuit of love for some people can often feel like a battle.
On the one hand, you have male dating coaches telling you how to “win” when you date women. On the other hand, you have female dating coaches telling you, you’re the best ever, and you’re perfect, and that “they’re” the problem, not you. Both sides urge their followers to seek maximum equity where they can. But in the pursuit of equity, consider both sides as your compass; let the balance be your North Star
No matter how well you strategize, there is always the risk of losing and ending up feeling like a prisoner to your partner’s whims. This is because people spend far too much time strategizing instead of just being in the moment of who they’re trying to get to know. It’s kinda like a chess game of love, but modern dating allows people to eventually end up becoming pawns to their own strategies; it’s in the freedom of the moment that we truly find a checkmate. You’ll never be able to “win” cause it was never supposed to be a competition.
What does this mean for modern monogamy?
Let’s stick with what we know; we know that in 1960, seventy percent of married-parent households consisted of a male income earner and a female homemaker. Family experts believed that this was not only the most efficient way to organize society but the best predictor of marital stability and happiness. Nobel prize-winning economist Gary Becker argued that labor specialization among heterosexual partners maximized the product of men’s and women’s labor, making for greater efficiency and leading to more satisfying and stable partnerships.
Is this still the case?
For several decades this was actually true. Couples with a “traditional” division of household labor reported higher marital and sexual satisfaction than couples who shared housework, and earnings equality in intimate partnerships actually raised the risk of relationship dissolution.
But what about today?
Today, things are different. “breadwinner-homemaker” families constitute less than one-third of married-parent families, while 60 percent of families are headed by dual earners; it’s significantly harder for one person’s income to take care of 1 child and spouse let alone two or three. On average, married mothers do half as much routine housework as they did in 1965 (16 hours vs. 32 hours per week) while married fathers do twice as much (5 hours vs. 2 hours). Among dual-earning couples, mothers do 13.5 hours of housework, compared to 9.5 hours for fathers.
So what might this mean?
Some people suggest that we have reached an upper limit to the benefits of equal sharing, beyond which men, in particular, are not willing to go without relationship quality suffering. Others argue that relationships would be happier if work policies and social norms encouraged more couples to share the housework as evenly as they now share income-earning. But what does work have to do with how your relationship is orchestrated? We reserve the right to have a marriage and relationship on our terms, right? Why should we care about social norms? Or what other people are doing?
To be honest, there are contradictory findings in my research on the relationship between egalitarian housework and relationship satisfaction. Cause the term “equality” in any given relationship is different for most people.
Stop playing games
In some relationships, there is always an element of competition and strategy involved, with both partners trying to outmaneuver each other. These games and tactics are often used to convey disinterest or to gain an advantage, but they can also be the cause of misunderstandings and miscommunications.
Even after being in a relationship for a long time, there is always the possibility of misinterpreting actions or not being on the same page, leading to one person feeling like they have lost the game often because not everything is straight down the line. Sometimes when you’re both trying to get things to be exactly 50/50, you’ll be in a constant throw of the competition and looking at every individual micro transaction that happens between the both of you. But striving for perfect balance in a relationship is like a high-wire act; each micro-movement can feel like a contest, yet harmony lies not in rigidity but in flexible understanding.
Equal feelings?
It’s natural for people in relationships to want to have equal feelings for each other, but this isn’t always the case. Scientists discovered something they call the social exchange theory, which posits that individuals engage in relationships with others based on the perceived benefits and costs of the relationship. According to this theory, people will continue to engage in a relationship as long as the perceived benefits outweigh the perceived costs.
It is essentially weighing out the good and bad and seeing if the trade-off is worth it.
One partner may be receiving more benefits than the other and, thus, is willing to continue the relationship despite the imbalance in emotions. Additionally, attachment theory suggests that people have different attachment styles, which can also lead to an imbalance in feelings within a relationship. Some individuals may have a secure attachment style, while others may have an anxious or avoidant attachment style, which can affect the level of emotional investment in a relationship. It’s difficult to gauge where your partner’s feelings lie, and it’s common for one person to care more than the other. This can lead to a power struggle in the relationship as people try to gauge who cares more and who has the upper hand. In the end, one person may lose interest first and leave the other feeling heartbroken. You must always pay attention to the signs of a wavering interest and try to be honest with yourself about your feelings.
The Bird and the Hand theory
In most relationships, one partner typically wants more independence, and the other is more nurturing. This is known as the “bird and the hand” theory. It’s essential for the nurturing partner to give the other space and for the independent partner to appreciate and return to the nurturing partner.
It’s normal for one partner to have stronger feelings than the other, but as long as there is mutual respect and understanding, the relationship can still be successful. But please never allow yourself to be taken for granted or mistreated by a partner who may not desire the relationship as much as you do cause there will always be another person who will. You’ve been warned.
Don’t let pride win!
After a while, when you’ve been actively dating and single for a year or so, there’s an air of subtle jaded tendencies that creep in. You’ve been hurt; you’ve been played a little. So now you have your guard up. You’re hoping they’ll prove you wrong, right? You guard yourself when getting to know someone new. This never helps, though; I know you think you’re doing the right thing, so it never happens again, but this can prevent you from developing a genuine connection because you were never trying your very best from the very jump. As you open up and let go of your pride, you become more vulnerable and may risk being hurt. But please never forget this simple principle. Love, dating, and relationships are all inherently risky. No one will ever leave emotionally unscathed. It’s a very sobering thought, but you can’t go through life never fully committing to what it is you fully want.
The people who get the things they really want in life are those who consistently commit to the very thing they wish to pursue.
You can’t be half-assed. Suppose you’re going to date or be dating. Be committed.
However, in order to have a meaningful and fulfilling relationship, you must be honest and open, even if it means risking your pride. It’s a delicate balance, but ultimately, the love and connection with your partner should be more important than your own sense of pride and getting things “your way.”
The reality is straightforward, true equality in a relationship is not the key to happiness. This modern-day quest for it will never come to fruition. The idea of a 50/50 relationship can actually perpetuate selfishness.
Your actions in any given relationship should be motivated by a desire to make the other person happy rather than for the purpose of repayment or obligation. I really couldn’t imagine living like that with my partner. I made her some bagels this morning and cleaned the kitchen. I didn’t think for a second, “I wonder how she’s gonna pay me back?”.
It’s not tit for tat.
Relationships are not meant to be equal in the most literal sense but rather should be built on the unique strengths and differences of each partner. I believe that’s what makes a good relationship. Scientists attest to something called the Interdependence Theory. This theory posits that successful relationships are characterized by mutual interdependence, where both partners are able to contribute to the relationship and rely on each other for support. This differs from the traditional view of relationships as being based on equality and symmetry, where both partners have the same level of power and influence. Instead, the Interdependence Theory suggests that relationships function best when both partners are able to bring their unique strengths and differences to the table and use these to create a balanced and fulfilling relationship.
I truly believe the best and most successful relationship is one in which both partners consistently give their all, and when both people feel that their happiness is tied to the other person’s happiness, the relationship cannot fail. It simply can’t. I never think for s second about what my partner is bringing to the table. I don’t have to cause I know she’ll always do the best for us as I will.
Where did this dream come from?
I don’t know where this dream started to come from where everyone started waxing poetic about how they want their equal and maximum equality in a relationship as the key, but it simply isn’t true.
Complete equality in a relationship is not the key to happiness. Instead, each partner should act selflessly and do things for the other out of love and not for the sake of keeping score. Rather, in your new relationship, marriage, or dating scenario, just be honest with yourself and recognize when you are giving too much in the relationship.
A healthy relationship involves both people consistently giving their all and striving for mutual happiness rather than aiming for a 50/50 balance of give and take. Those facets of a relationship naturally manifest themselves and show up in different forms. For example, I might take down all the Christmas lights on our house while my partner takes down all the decorations on the trees in the house. I’m not lording that over her head and expecting the same type of labor. But we support each other where we can. The value each person brings to the relationship is what should ALWAYS be equal, but the ways they contribute may be different. This difference will always add various layers and beauty to an already flourishing relationship.
Maximum Equality in a relationship may be ideal, but it is not realistic. Every person brings their own unique qualities and flaws to a relationship, and everyone shows love in their own way. Instead of trying to balance every aspect of the relationship, focus on how your partner makes you feel and make sure to consistently put effort into the relationship. It’s okay if things aren’t always perfectly balanced as long as both partners are happy and supportive of each other.
Focus on fairness rather than striving for an equal 50/50 split. Take into account the needs of the relationship, as well as the individual needs of each partner. Be flexible and considerate, and find a balance that meets everyone’s needs. Fairness in a relationship requires understanding and respecting the needs of the relationship, as well as communicating and advocating for your own needs. Make sure you’re aware of potential resentment that can arise if individual needs are not being met, and address these issues in a healthy and proactive way.
Men and women are not equal in practical terms; we were born different for a reason. They are equal in terms of their intrinsic worth and dignity. I believe those are the things that truly matter.
No matter what happens in your relationship, treat each other with kindness and consideration. Always.
…
Are you ready to take your first dates from mediocre to mind-blowing? Look no further, my friends! I have the secret weapon you need in my new book, “The First Date Fix,” available now on Amazon. With practical tips and advice for making a great impression on your first date, you’ll be well on your way to finding love or at least having a fun and enjoyable evening. Plus, for even more dating tips and tricks, make sure to follow me on Instagram, Pinterest, TikTok, and Youtube. I promise you won’t regret it. Don’t let another first date pass you by without making the most of it. Get “The First Date Fix” today and start your journey to success in the dating world!
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
All Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
 |
 |
 |
 |
—–
Photo credit: Juan Encalada on Unsplash
