Doctor NerdLove challenges the myth of quick-fix dating and relationship advice.
I get a lot of marketing emails from various dating gurus.
Call it a professional hazard; sometimes it’s because I get someone who wants me to “review” (i.e. plug) their product or service, sometimes it’s because bots harvested my email, sometimes it’s because I was interested in seeing what they had to say.
Now while there are folks out there who I think actually have something to valuable to say, 99% of the marketing blasts I get all promise the same thing: amazing results that will just supercharge your dating life with this one simple trick. If you just watch this video/subscribe to this newsletter/buy this ebook, you will learn the one secret that will make sex rain from the sky for you.
Which is kind of disturbing when you think about it…
Now, in fairness, I’m not going to complain about somebody trying to make a buck; I mean, c’mon – this is my job.
The problem is what they’re selling: snake-oil. Bullshit and placebos dressed up as advice and packaged to convince you that it’s the guaranteed cure for all of your dating issues.
This is one of the biggest issues I have with the self-help movement in general and the Pick-Up Artist community in particular1: the idea that there is some magic bullet, some special trick or formula that will let you leapfrog over all of the real work and drop you straight into the Player’s Life that you’ve always wanted.
The problem is that there is no substitute for putting in the work. So many of these little “magic bullets” become a part of the conversation when it comes to improving one’s dating life – especially amongst frustrated men – and it ultimately retards your actual growth; in fact in many cases, it will actively make you worse.
So let’s look at a couple of the more common ones that you’re likely to run into.
Canned Routines
One of the highlights of the PUA community is the use of canned material – pre-scripted openers like the famous “jealous girlfriend”, pseudo-cold reads like “C’s vs. U’s” or “The Cube”, stories and routines sourced from others via message boards, ebooks and blogs. These are designed to create the illusion of social experience and fluency while simultaneously giving the impression that you are a “high-status male”, thus impressing women into finding you far more fuckable than if you were to just approach them like a normal person.
Canned material became part of The Game almost from the inception, whether it was via NLP anchors and Speed Seduction to just sharing material that may or may not have worked via message boards and forum posts. Even as the trends in the community moved to “natural” game (that is, trying to make it look like you’re not running pick-up material), routines have been part of the backbone of the industry.
Now while there’s a certain value to be found in that they help eliminate the “I don’t know what to say!” panic moments that may cause your brain to vapor-lock and leave you stammering like an idiot, they’re effectively training-wheels for being able to carry on a conversation like a normal person. The use of routine stacks – layers of routines used in a particular order so as to invoke specific emotional effects – becomes a substitute for having an actual personality and experiences of your own. It ends up being an attempt to treat picking women up as though you were facing down a raid boss in World of Warcraft; follow this specific plan of attack and it’ll all work out the way you want.
It’s dating via flow-chart: IF a THEN SAY b ELSE SAY c, THEN RUN SUB-ROUTINE x.
The problem, of course, is that eventually the material is going to run out. At some point you’re going to hit the end of the routine and then you’re left with whatever you bring to the table on your own… and that’s when the trouble starts. You’ve been trying to borrow somebody else’s words in order to give your own a little spit and polish, but eventually you’re going to have to be yourself – and if you’ve banked your entire persona on your routines, then any attraction you’ve managed to build is going to come crashing down around your ears.
The reliance on canned material also puts all of the focus on the wrong place. The idea that you can seduce a woman by using specific stories to flip her attraction switches is a nice idea, but it has less to do with the words and much more on the person. I’ve never had a woman suddenly decide she wanted to go to bed with me because I told her she had a c-shaped smile unlike my implied model ex-girlfriend’s u-shaped smile; it was more about creating an emotional connection, not my supposed demonstrations of value. Did I make her laugh and feel good? Do I present myself well? Do I know how to generate that all-important “spark”?
Now I do recommend having a couple of good jokes on reserve that you can pull out as needed, or having a few good stories up your sleeve – there’s a difference an oft-told story about your trip to Cambodia when you climbed to the top of Ankor Thom and met a hot Scottish backpacker only to have her carried away by her man-mountain boyfriend2 and relying on a pre-scripted crutch to get you through an interaction.
Being “Alpha”
Now this is a subject I’ve covered before, but the popularity of the myth of the “alpha male” getting all of the sex is one worth returning to. The idea is simple, if predicated on a radical misunderstanding of evolutionary psychology and an attempt to impose (mistaken) ideas about social hierarchies amongst primates on human behavior: there are alphas and there are betas. Alphas are the leaders of the pack; the betas are the followers. The alphas get the best of everything – the best food, the most resources and the lion’s share of the women. The betas get the scraps… if they’re that lucky.
Women, of course, are programmed via evolution to only want alpha males – therefore the key to dating success is to emulate “alpha” behavior as much as possible.
Of course, the idea of what’s “alpha” is a subject up for much debate: a banker more “alpha” than a musician? Is the outlaw biker more “alpha” than the club promoter? Is it more alpha to fuck as many women as possible or to be able to commit to a single woman and raise a family? Does an “alpha” male buy drinks for girls he meets at bars? Does he change his plans in order to make allowances for others? Does he befriend the other guys in the group, or does he try to stare them down and otherwise intimidate them into leaving?
More often than not it comes down to a mix of trying to always get one’s way by imposing your desires on others and having a “Don’t Give A Fuck” attitude. To be alpha is to be strong; to be beta is to be weak. Women instinctively love alphas and are disgusted by betas… or so the theory goes.
If you’re the sort of person who feels as though they’ve always been powerless or weak, who’s girlfriend cheated on them with some douchebag… this idea can be appealing. It’s a variation of the Will to Power; become an alpha male and revel in the power and status that has been so long denied to you. Learn how to assert yourself and watch the world become your oyster. Men will fear you, women will supplicate and life will be nothing but a rap video for you from now until the heat death of the universe.
Of course the problem is that it’s not real. The idea of being “alpha” is appealing in it’s simplicity – but humans and human sexuality is anything but simple. By trying to reduce everything to a binary state – alpha and beta, leaders and followers – and applying that philosophy to everything, all that happens is you end up with a bunch of men trying to overcompensate for their own perceived weaknesses by acting like overly-macho, selfish, chauvinistic idiots.
Human relationships are insanely complicated and defy easy explanations. Even amongst apes, the “alpha” status doesn’t mean what people like to pretend that it does. Alpha males don’t get the majority of sex because the females are instinctively attracted to them; they get it by beating the shit out of other males.
And even then, the threat of violence doesn’t keep the betas from getting laid; the betas are frigging in the rigging as soon as the alpha’s back is turned.
Confidence and assertiveness is indeed sexy, while neediness is the polar opposite – but trying to be “alpha” is just a way of trying to shortcut growing one’s self-esteem by acting like a cock.
Status Games
Speaking of overcompensating: the idea of “status” comes up often in dating advice – and not without reason. There have been studies (amongst college students, with the inherent problems that comes with it) that status can be an influence in attraction. The problem, however, is just how one calculates that particular value. Is someone with money but otherwise a boring ass inherently a higher-status than someone who is charming but broke? Does a good looking wimp have higher status than a confident, assertive person who isn’t conventionally attractive? If you take the same person and dress him in a suit, does he have more or less status than when he’s dressed in a t-shirt and cargo shorts?
Part of the idea of running “game” on people is that it’s a way of trying to make yourself look higher status than you really are – at least in the short term. Establish your value as higher than other’s – especially your target3 and it’s blowjobs and champagne for everybody.
There is no better illustration of this idea than the “neg”, for example – one of the longest running memes in pick-up. The “neg” – as developed by Mystery – is a strategic insult or left-handed compliment. Depending on who you’re talking to, a “neg” is intended either to reduce the other person’s self-esteem (and therefore her social value) and make her crave validation from you or to establish that you are at an equal or higher status level and thus create attraction.
The idea of “cocky-funny” is also a way of establishing one’s supposed status in the social hierarchy: by going beyond “confidence” and well into “king of the club, greatest thing since World War III” mode and telling vaguely insulting jokes at somebody else’s expense is supposed to be a way of saying “Hey, I must be high status because why else would I be willing to make fun of a hot girl?”
In reality, most of what it says is “Hi, I’m a raging asshole who thinks it’s funny to be rude to people in hopes of bending them to my will.”
Other, similar status games are often tied in with the use of canned routines mentioned earlier – certain routines are popular because they contain inherent “demonstrations of higher value”, such as implying that you hav ex-girlfriends who are models or strippers, a high-status job or financial success. Getting bottle-service at a club is another way of trying to prove status – you’re in the VIP section after all. Other ways of trying to fake one’s status involve playing mind games and trying to “flip the script” on people. For example, if an erstwhile target won’t respond to texts or phone-calls, the would-be player will “punish” them by putting them on “text probation” or using communication freeze-outs in hopes of making the supposedly-misbehaving person will try to win back the player’s approval.
All of these little tricks are designed with one goal in mind: to successfully entice someone who is otherwise “out of your league”4 into sleeping with you. But as with canned material, you quickly fall upon a singular problem: not only is your higher status falsified, but it’s easily sniffed out. It doesn’t take very much to make other people realize that the person they’re talking to is full of shit, and any attraction that they might have built up is lost like tears in an over-used Blade Runner reference.
Using status games as a means of trying to attract another person betrays a very simple issue: the desperate need to impress the other person and win their approval by trying to convince them to seek yours. Ironically, the attempt to game one’s supposed status is one of the surer signs of being low status. A person who’s confident in themselves and in their own value – who knows what he’s worth and is willing to go out andget it – isn’t going to feel the need to try to pretend to be more than they really are. Trying to fake your way into dating out of your league only establishes one thing: that the other person is indeed out of your league, because you don’t bring enough to the table.
Building emotional connections is more reliable way of building attraction (and status) than trying to artificially inflate yourself – or to drag someone down to your level instead. A broke musician who can make someone feel like the most special person in the world is going to be far more attractive than the guy in the shiny suit who’s busy trying to convince others that he’s a music mogul and trying to get a girl to buy him a drink and follow him around the bar.
There Are No Short Cuts
The cold hard truth is that tricks, gimmicks and games are no substitute for genuine connection. You can find some limited success in using “game” to gloss over your issues, but not only will it not last for very long but it will leave you in a worse state than you were in before; people can spot a faker and the trade off is never worth it. To improve your game, you need to improve yourself. You don’t need canned openers or scripted material, you just need to know how to talk to people. You need assertiveness, not poorly understood ideas of what masculinity means. You need to lead a life that’s vibrant and full, to know your worth and to act on that, rather than trying to prove yourself or by attempting to impress others with a false front.
Don’t look for the one secret, the short-cut, the magic bullet that will solve all your ills.
They don’t exist.
The only answer is to do the work.
Originally appeared at Paging Doctor NerdLove
Photo courtesy of Flickr/ PhotoAtelier (Glen)
Naa, pick up is great. It’s not about manipulating women, it’s about being your best self. It gives guys confidence to approach and meet women. It also teaches guys how to react to women.
I just re-read this and realize that the last paragraph is a bit ambiguous. Most PUAs eventually hit a brick-wall where they realize they can’t get any further in their ability to attract women based on their skills alone. They can no longer fake being a high-quality man; they actually have to go out and become one. The guys who do that have all the potential to become the “man of your dreams,” and you literally would not be able to tell the difference between them and a guy who got there by some other means. And to that, I… Read more »
PUA’s may want to be the man of my dreams… For a night. Which isn’t what I’m looking for, personally. So that does me no good, even if he’s the most amazing human being on the planet.
“For a night…” Another huge misconception. My personality, style, and presentation is very sexually oriented. I am very much a sex-first, relationship-second kind of guy. I didn’t always used to be this way, it’s just that over time I realized that girls — whether out hunting for a relationship or a one-night stand — always checked out the sexy guys first. I’m sure there are some women out there who would reject me based on the fact that I don’t come off as “the type of guy who’d stick around,” but that’s a risk I’m willing to accept. The girls… Read more »
“All this makeup stuff … ugh, it makes me not want to ever date any man ever again. Who can you trust anymore in this crazy world? I don’t want to fall for any woman who has to put makeup on… what kind of a life partner or even a friend could she be to me? How would I ever know who she really was as a person? Can makeup help get you into a relationship? Probably. But ultimately it all seems very empty, and sad, and reading about it makes me suspicious of every woman I meet. Does she… Read more »
Ok, I’ve heard the makeup analogy many times. The difference is … You know if a woman is wearing makeup. Are you really disappointed and betrayed to find out that her eyelids aren’t really blue and glittery? PUA seems to be at a completely different level. For example: say I meet a guy. He seems into me. He’s funny. He’sa good conversationalist. We have a great emotional connection (or so I think). He’s very interested. We spend time together. I have sex with him. And then … Nothing. Turns out he just wanted to get into my pants. The emotional… Read more »
The reason the makeup analogy is used so often is because it fits. In times past, I would have agreed with you about guys knowing the makeup is there. I used to tell people all the time that I preferred girls who wore no makeup since neither of my previous girlfriends wore it much. I even want to say that I got into a disagreement about it here on one of the GMP discussions as well. Then, just a few weeks ago I ran into this girl I know who I had seen in a while. When we first met,… Read more »
All this PUA stuff … ugh, it makes me not want to ever date any man ever again. Who can you trust anymore in this crazy world? I don’t want to fall for any man who had studied this stuff … what kind of a life partner or even a friend could he be to me? How would I ever know who he really was as a person? Can PUA help get you laid? Probably. But ultimately it all seems very empty, and sad, and reading about it makes me suspicious of every guy I meet. Does he really like… Read more »
Sarah: The reason a PUA might just move on is maybe because you yourself isn’t that interesting? When i started PUA i had to: Fight my way out of depression Lose weight. Start school again Meditate to develop inner peace, compassion, and appreciation Learn to laugh and smile Learn to show my sexuality(was a virgin) Fight my social akwardness That’s prob 90% of game right there. The rest is so called canned lines or other routine stuff. I became more and more successfull with women over time. but what i noticed was that women didn’t do shit to keep me… Read more »
Most women put a ton of effort into being attractive to men. What do you mean by not doing shit to keep you interested? From my experience, a lot of men don’t notice anything beyond physical attraction and a basically decent personality. I write poetry, I volunteer, I have an artistic side, I am a voracious reader, I meditate …. no guy I’ve dated has ever given a shit about any of that. Sigh. Guys will chose the woman with the best face/body every time, so a lot of women have learned that nothing else counts.
You know, most women I dated have a tendency to brag. I think it’s because you don’t remember why a seduction didn’t work because a good seduction is win-win. So when they try to impress me(that they even thinking of trying to impress me is already a fail) they remember all the times that guys tried to pick them up, usually trying to brag, and try to emulate those guys. So a question to ask is: How are you presenting these traits? Are they like treats that a guy can unpack by himself? Ex: you excuse yourself. The guy asks… Read more »
I realize I’m getting back to this thread late but what do you mean by doing 50% of the effort to be assertive or fun? In my experience, men in relationships often feel pressured and get cranky when a woman suggests doing things she wants to do but they don’t want to do. At least, that’s been my experience with a lot of men. It gets really frustrating after awhile to make suggestions that always get shot down or the guy goes along with the idea, but clearly isn’t enjoying himself. I’ve leaned it’s easier to let guys call the… Read more »
Go here: http://www.hookingupsmart.com/2011/10/05/relationshipstrategies/how-to-let-a-man-know-youre-interested/
It’s a long read, but worth it if these are questions you really want to have answered.
interesting article, but not too useful since I don’t try to meet guys in bars and clubs. Not my scene at all.
Don’t hang out with more attractive women — that is, unfortunately, the truth.
A lot of people want sex with no atatchement. If they are honest about this I fail to see what the problem with PUA is. Maybe if we started to acknowledge that the best manipulators out there are the ones that are the best at not getting detected and that this magical radar that women are supposed to have that means that if you (as a man) have trouble atracting women it is because you are somehow defective and women can sense that, that this radar does not exist. Then we can start talking about wheter or not PUA is… Read more »
This is another good PUA site by the way:
http://www.girlschase.com/insights
Oh yeah, that’s another post of his where he dispenses PUA style advice. His whole “have another woman vouch for you” kind of advice is what the likes of Mystery and other PUA’s would advocate in order to elevate your “social proof.” PUAs even have terms for this. Preselection which means other women already find you attractive is important because women are strongly influenced by knowing a man is attractive to other women. A lady helping you out will often be referred to as a pivot. This certainly helps but it also most certainly in the quick fix/magic bullet category… Read more »
Here we go again with the same myths about what pickup is. I`ve been hanging at various PUA forums since 2004/2005. In that time there has been virtually ZERO interest in routines and that trend has accelerated to the degree that I almost never hear anyone talk about it. I challenge you to go to fasterseduction.com which is the continuation of fastseduction.com the historically most important PUA forum and try to find people discussing routines. I\d say routines represent less than 0.03% of the content in the forum discussion and you will be attacked by most there for using it.… Read more »
The photo at the top is of a magician friend of mine – “Pop” Haydn. It was taken at the Portland Magic Jam. The original photo is credited, but the exact link is http://www.flickr.com/photos/glenbledsoe/5038335500/in/set-72157625050509072 .
Also, his website is http://www.pophaydn.com/index.html
Thanks!
You mean people don’t need “quick fix” tips like.. I dunno.. “bring along a wingwoman to tell other women how good you are in bed”? “Convey Being Good in Bed One of the biggest stumbling blocks when it comes to casual sex is the idea that the sex just won’t be worth the potential consequences. It’s going to be on you to be able to help her see you as being the great lay she’s looking for. There are a number of ways to do this. Being a skilled dancer, especially in Latin dancing or club dancing, can increase a… Read more »
@ Drew
Oh yeah, that’s another post of his where he dispenses PUA style advice. His whole “have another woman vouch for you” kind of advice is what the likes of Mystery and other PUA’s would advocate in order to elevate your “social proof.”
Harris just phrases it differently.
@Bay Area Guy… No offense intended, but this whole PUA, Ethitical PUA…just seems like and equally dysfunctional way of dealing with an equally dysfunctional sexual/dating protocol in America. Of course it is all because, IMO, women are not free to totally express their sexuality. I briefly lived in Bolivia. None of this crap was remotely required to get laid. And, I am not talking about lower status women. I am talking about women who attended colleges in the US and Europe. Something is just totally screwed up about sexuality and dating/mating in America. However, you do not recognize this until… Read more »
@ Jules No offense intended, but this whole PUA, Ethitical PUA… just seems like and equally dysfunctional way of dealing with an equally dysfunctional sexual/dating protocol in America. Of course it is all because, IMO, women are not free to totally express their sexuality. No offense taken. I actually completely agree with you. Sexuality, as well as dating and courtship are completely messed up in this country. Beyond messed up. And I also agree that the most ideal solution would be for women to be encouraged to express their sexuality more freely. This country’s puritanical prudishness needs to go the… Read more »
I also think that, even if expressions of female sexuality enjoyed greater legitimacy within society at large, the whole “men chase, women react” dynamic would exist.
Frankly put, I don’t see too many objections from women about the whole dynamics of dating and courtship. Why would they? They benefit from the rules of courtship.
But yes, I do think that what you advocated would go a long way to making things a bit less dysfunctional.
Don’t men prefer to be the pursuer? I’ve had guys tell me that when women ask them out, they feel there’s no challenge. It’s too easy and ultimately they don’t like it.
I agree U.S. dating culture is f’ed up but I sometimes think men don’t know what they want any more than women know what they want.
Don’t men prefer to be the pursuer? I’ve had guys tell me that when women ask them out, they feel there’s no challenge. It’s too easy and ultimately they don’t like it. Here’s the thing. I don’t think the word “pursue” adequately describes the various hurdles that men have to leap before they can succeed within the world of dating. To use the words of one British journalist who wrote about dating American women, too often men feel more like they’re applying for a tough corporate job than actually trying to connect with someone. And trust me, for the growing… Read more »
@Sarah Radford I’ve definitely heard guys say that and its usually outgoing guys who love “the game” and the whole back and forth of approaching a woman. On the other hand I know plenty of shyer guys who’d love nothing more than for a woman to initiate things with them. Yet, from the time we’re younger we’re taught that a man is supposed to do the asking so in the rare cases that some of them do get asked, they sometimes end up feeling bad about it. By not approaching the woman and making her take the initiative they feel… Read more »
But, it is the lay of the land. So, we must either deal with it or go around. I prefer to go around.
What countries outside of the U.S. would you recommend?
@Bay Area Guy… Well, when I said “go around” I was not referring to opting for women of other countries or cultures. Specifically, for me it is FWB arrangements, only. Here you avoid all the nonsensical and dysfunctional protocols of dating in America. Personally, I do love Hispanic women. I love all women really. But, Hispanic women have passion, desire, and a very tender nature about them. They also seem to truly appreciate a man more than other women. While you typical white middle/upper middle class woman in America might see only 10%-20% of men as attractive, this is not… Read more »
Thanks for the comment Bay Area Guy. You mentioned “nice guys” which is something I wanted to comment on. The truth is, the majority of the guys in the PUA scene are current or former nice guys. And one of the primary things that holds them back from achieving actual success in the field is the desire to hold on to this “nice guy” status, or the be the “ethical PUA” as you describe it. The problem of course is that’s the equivalent of entering a professional boxing match with one had tied behind your back. In order to be… Read more »
@ DD Excellent comment. You’re right, what else do men have to turn to besides PUA when it comes to improving their dating lives? I think it’s already been well established that women and feminists in particular don’t really give men helpful dating advice, so what do they have? The problem with Nerdlove is that he’s a bit disingenuous. I’ve critiqued him on another thread before, but I think it bears repeating. In many of his articles, he employs PUA terminology and dispenses PUA style advice. (just look at his articles on building sexual tension, the successful approach, and the… Read more »
However, at the same time, due to the fact that he subscribes to feminist ideology, he feels a bit dirty about PUA. Therefore, he somehow tries to combine PUA with feminism, in an attempt to create what Clarisse Thorn once referred to as “ethical PUA.” And he tries his best to keep the PUA aspect of his whole philosophy on the down low. Either that or he’s trying to co opt the successful parts of PUA as feminism so later on down the road they can go back and say that it wasn’t PUA that was successful in helping men… Read more »
Honestly can’t tell if I totally agree with this guy or think that he’s completely full of it. My initial thought was this: “Isn’t this the same guy who just a few weeks ago was promoting the same sort of ‘quick fix’ stuff that he’s currently railing against?” The crux of his “The Appeal of ‘Bad Boys'” article was that you can have much of the bad boys’ success by simply mimicking their style of dress and outward behavioral traits — an idea which I believe to be blatantly false by the way, but to each his own. Here’s where… Read more »
@DD.. “She told me that the guy was definitely interested, but for whatever reason he never generated the “spark” to help him move out of the friend zone and into an intimate relationship with her.” You were successful because YOU expressed sexual interest in her AND she is sexually interested in you. You will have a casual relationship with her and then on to the next one. But, please understand that many men are not into casual sex. But, if you’re not getting laid period, I guess you take it how you can get it! I do understand what you… Read more »
Jules, I agree with you that my style doesn’t work without mutual sexual interest, but I would argue that you have to have that for any style of meeting women to work. The thing is though, most women these days want a man who is both a good potential romantic partner AND good potential sex partner. Most guys miss the mark by continually playing up one side at the expense of the other. Even though “good girls” I’ve dated (the type who usually won’t sleep with a guy until having gone out with him for several weeks or months) have… Read more »
The way I see it, PUA is a necessary evil. Sure, it has elements of misogyny, and it has an overall mercenary and machiavellian attitude. But still, it is necessary. It plays a role in helping to level the playing field in the world of dating/courtship, where men are at a severe disadvantage. If women who are upset about PUA want it to disappear, the onus is on them. They either need to make themselves more approachable, start approaching and asking men out, or just accept that PUA is here to stay. So, until women address their privilege within the… Read more »
The phrase ‘glass houses’ springs to mind.