America, we send our condolences for the 2016 election results. We are not saying sorry because you are dead or something like that. We just feel that we need to say that we are sorry. After all, we are Canadians and we like saying sorry.
So here is Canada’s condolences to America for the most entertaining and upsetting election in decades.
America, we are sorry that you have a President named Donald. You also have a Duck named Donald, but we like him.
America, we are sorry that you have a reality TV star for president. I guess that means that your government is now the Apprentice. Try not to get fired.
America, we are sorry that Donald has a comb over. The election could have been won just by keeping better track of the hairstyles.
America, we might be decriminalizing marijuana, but not all of us are high. This election stinks. Just saying.
America, we are sorry that you are afraid of what the future will look like now. Elections are supposed to be about a new vision, not about checking your vision.
America, we are sorry that your President is big on smile, but small on character. Money does not buy happiness, or a good reputation.
America, we are sorry that your international reputation is in serious trouble. We will send Mr. Trump all of the nice happy thought cards that we can find. But we doubt that he will read them.
America, we are sorry that your election takes so long to watch. Football is more interesting. Heck, golf is better, even after Tiger’s rehab…
America, we are sorry that you are not sure about the future any more. You have faced a lot of trauma in the past while, and we are here for you.
America, we are sorry that the election became about who was the best of the bottom. Elections should be about being the best of the best… not the best of the rest.
America, we had hope for this election that something great would happen. Maybe next election?
America, we hope that you can find a silver lining. Or at least an aluminum one. Jobs are scarce and selling aluminum can get you a few bucks. Sometimes you need to trade in your dreams for cash. That’s just how it is.
America, we know that you are resilient. You will get to work and continue to build your country into a better place. Don’t worry, we’ll still come and visit on the holidays and every second weekend.
America, we are sorry that you got into this mess. We won’t bad mouth you, that’s just not productive. We are here for you, old buddy.
America, it might just be okay. Trump knows how to get out of debt, a lot of debt. So he might have some tricks up his sleeve.
America, at least your new president is creative. He names everything after himself (Trump palace, Trump vodka, Trump Univeristy… Trump America?) We will still call you America if you like.
America, we have a big country so if you want to move we are accepting applications. But first, you have to get over the wall.
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Keep it Real, America