Divorce Can Leave Scars that Last a Lifetime

Sometimes we get married too young, and we grow apart from the person we thought we would love forever. Sometimes we realize that our lifestyles have become incompatible. Sometimes there are other factors at play like abuse or cheating. We may realize that the person we loved was never the person we thought.

As we move on in life, eventually we learn to rationalize and heal from what has happened. It can help to have therapy or a support group to go through this process. Having someone to talk to about your feelings can mean a lot when you are really struggling and questioning yourself.

Eventually, you will probably feel like it is time to move on and start over.

However, there can be lingering issues that stay with you after your divorce. You may have a more difficult time trying to trust new people again. You may have a more clear sense of yourself and your needs.

There are all different factors at play when you try to move on from divorce. This can be especially true when there are kids in the picture. You need to make sure that your kids can move on too, and carefully consider their feelings about the divorce.

Helping kids cope with divorce

Talking to your kids in age-appropriate ways about the divorce can help them to move forward. However, this can be difficult when the other party is engaging in behaviors that cause parental alienation.

According to Psychology Today, in cases of parental alienation:

The perpetrator may leverage a variety of tactics: A father could tell child that the child’s mother hates him and never wants to speak to them, when in reality the mother calls to speak to the child every day. A mother could convince her daughter to report — or even believe — that the father physically abused her. Offenders may blame the other parent for the collapse of the marriage, punish the child for wanting to pursue a relationship with the parent, or move away so that maintaining a relationship is extremely difficult.

When I got divorced, my ex engaged in parental alienation behaviors with my daughter. He told her bad things about me, and about my friends who had tried to help me find a safe space when leaving. When I had a new partner, he badmouthed him too. He blamed me completely for the divorce, and talked to my daughter about our problems in ways more suited to speaking with an adult.

Moving on from this has taken years. For a long time, my daughter took my ex’s side in everything that happened with the divorce. This made our relationship tense and difficult, and I had a lot of self-blame about it. I felt like I had done something wrong with ending the relationship, even though I knew I had to for my own sanity.

Eventually, my daughter realized that some of the things that her dad told her were exaggerated or untrue. She stopped blaming me for the divorce, and we have a better relationship now.

Still, I moved on with a new partner and the relationship between him and my daughter is strained. The scars of the divorce are still there. She has accused me of trying to move on with a new family. It hurts. She is still my family, just as she always has been, whether she can see it or not.

If you are in a similar situation where you are moving on after a hostile divorce, I would recommend family and child counseling for your kids. We never did that, and I sorely regret that now. Talking through some of those feelings with a therapist could probably have really helped.

Building a new life

When you try to move on and build a new life after a divorce, it is important that your kids still feel wanted and loved. You can do this by keeping open lines of communication, and doing things to spend special time with them doing things that they enjoy. Stay involved with their schooling and other activities that are important to them to show your support.

Doing all of these things will help your kids be better able to move on from the divorce. Sometimes, it may take them more time than it takes for you. As an adult, you are able to rationalize and understand why the marriage has ended in ways that kids can’t understand. Making sure to speak with them in age-appropriate ways is important.

In addition to needing to create an emotionally safe environment for yourself and your child, you may also need to rebuild your life financially. I had to find a new place to live after my divorce, and I had a lot of debts and collections to repay. Trying to build yourself up to where you were post-divorce can take time.

You may need to rebuild your savings again, and repurchase many items that were shared in common. This can take quite a bit of a financial toll as well. If your divorce has put your finances into dire straits, sometimes it can take years to build back up. This can be quite disheartening.

If you have kids, you may need to explain why they are having to go without things. It can be difficult to do so, especially if your child is blaming you for the divorce. You can explain that you used to have two incomes and now only have one. Eventually, kids will get used to it. They do have extreme resilience when you are kind to them.

Finding a new relationship

When you find a new relationship after a divorce, make sure to take things slow, since you have been hurt in the past. This can allow you to have time to build up trust with a new partner.

Make sure that you are honoring your feelings, and looking out for any red flags. You can take the knowledge that you gained from your divorce to look for what you really need in a relationship. If you have worked with a therapist on your emotions, this can really help too. Taking time for introspection can help you heal, and focus on the new relationship.

I have written before some tips about dating again as a single mom.

Dating Again as a Single Mom
Tips for getting back out there after a divorce.
medium.com

What I would want to emphasize the most is to make sure that you are having open communication about things that are important to you. When you have kids and are creating a blended family, make sure that you talk to your kids often about the changes that are taking place. It helps to make them feel comfortable voicing their feelings, feeling valued, and understood.

Showing love and compassion is important in any relationship. Moving on post-divorce means showing compassion not only for yourself, your new partner, but your kids as well. It can be difficult to integrate a new family, and if this is the case, it may be helpful to reach out to a counselor for support.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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