I’ve heard it said that being a mom is the toughest job on the planet. As a man, I can’t speak to that beyond my own experiences.
Comedian Bill Burr does a brilliant job of parodying the idea when he states that he always felt his roofing job as a redhead in the middle of the summer was a difficult job. He also goes on to make other references to jobs, such as a coal miner, that are difficult and dangerous. His stand-up routine on the subject is extremely funny but makes some points that are hard to argue.
Still, I can tell you that as a divorced dad who has custody of his children 50% of the time, I have a new-found respect for motherhood, as I’ve had to assume many of those roles when I have my children at home. I’m not here to claim that being a divorced dad is the most difficult job on the planet, but I can tell you that as a divorced dad who is trying to build and manage a business, I face daily challenges that I never had to deal with before kids.
Among those? I must assume many of the duties their mother always managed in addition to my own while being responsible for generating every dollar that I earn. It doesn’t make me their mom, but I do deeply respect how hard the job of motherhood is.
Divorce is challenging emotionally, mentally, and financially. Add kids into the mix, and you amplify the struggles exponentially. Now add the responsibility of being self-employed, and you’ve reached an even greater degree of stress and strain that I never had to deal with before.
The impact is great in many areas of the divorced entrepreneur dad’s (D.E.D) life. For me, one of the most difficult challenges is managing shorter days. We all have the gift of 24 hours to work from daily; most entrepreneurs are stretching as much out of those days as they are able. The typical entrepreneur is guilty of too little sleep and far too much time dedicated to working, planning, and dealing with administrative duties that only the company owner can understand.
There are many stories about failed marriages among entrepreneurs, where divorce seems to be prevalent at a higher rate than the W-2 population. The work schedule, alone, may be a major factor. Many spouses feel neglected and complain about feeling second to the business, and often they are. Many other reasons lead to a higher entrepreneurial divorce rate, but the hours spent working may be the number one factor.
The divorced entrepreneur dad (D.E.D), on the other hand, faces a much different challenge. While the pressure and demands of building a business are still great, we work with a much different to-do list when there are children involved. As a D.E.D, I work around the schedule of my children, which was a very hard pill to swallow, at first. I fought the process, but I started to see some things happening in my children’s behavior that I was not willing to accept. I have my children every Monday and Tuesday, as well as every other weekend. My ex-wife offered to let me have every other weekend as my schedule with them, but I did not want to miss out on getting to know my son and daughter. I chose to be dedicated to them as much as I was able, so I chose split custody.
Thankfully, we have been able to bond and grow closer than I ever imagined as a result. However, it has impacted my ability to work my regular hours, so I have been forced to learn ways around the challenges of a shortened schedule. For starters, I closed my physical office and began working from home shortly after the divorce, as I knew it would be much easier to manage working from a home office.
As I mentioned, we had challenges at first, and it was leading to behavior that concerned me. During school days, my children get dropped off at 8:15 and are dismissed from school around 3:45. At first, I came home after picking them up and immediately went back to my office and began working. I do not have a nanny, and I tried to keep from putting my children in an after-care program, as I wanted them to be with me. Sadly, that was not happening, as I generally went into my office and they went in front of the TV or video games, so “together time” was not on the daily agenda. I’m not proud of it, but I was struggling with the transition and felt emotionally drained. I remember my son asking me to play with him or spend time with him after school, to which I always responded “I can’t! I have to work.”
Children don’t understand, and, in this case, he just saw me choosing everything over spending time with him. It caused both of my children to pull back emotionally, and I noticed they didn’t seem as happy to be with their dad. To be honest, it wasn’t the fact that I had work to do, but it was more the fact that I made them feel as if they weren’t as important. Once I realized the issue, it was time to make some changes. Their interpretation was different than I intended, but in retrospect, I was not sensitive to their needs. I don’t believe I was ever neglectful, but when I was married, I had a partner to help ensure they had the attention they required. Now it was all up to me, so there was some adjusting that was required.
Divorce leads to a lot of guilt when you have children involved. And as a D.E.D, I was trying to build a business that struggled during the divorce. That added a great deal of pressure and stress. Stress, guilt, anxiety, and a clear understanding that I had no idea how to be a single parent… It was a challenging time, to say the very least, and I knew I needed to change my approach. One of the greatest changes in our relationship came from a lesson I had learned years before from Tony Robbins. His program, Personal Power II, focused on a daily morning ritual that was very empowering. He called it his “Hour of Power” and consisted of a morning exercise session while including various tools to help set the right frame of mind.
Among these was the power of using words of affirmation, incantations, a practice of gratitude, and visualization, all while taking a morning walk. If done correctly, it sets you on an incredible course of inspiration for the day. It was the practice of gratitude that I chose to implement with my children.
Simply put, I ask them to tell me what they are grateful as I’m driving them to school. No matter their state of mind or attitude at the time, simply sharing what they are grateful for makes all the difference in the world. And if they get lazy with the list, I make them start over with a better attitude. I want their energy level up, as this helps them feel connected to their list.
When you watch a seven-year-old almost instantaneously go from being angry at her brother for “being annoying” to smiling and showing appreciation, it is incredibly empowering as a parent. This simple act has brought us closer, helped us share in the appreciation for the life we have been granted and helps change the most challenging state of mind in an instant. This morning ritual also fuels the way I parent them in the evening, as I try and tie gratitude into the after-school routine. I may not have them recite a new list, but I tell them how grateful I am for them or I ask them questions, which leads them to show thanks for God, their teachers, their school, activities they are involved in, and more. And when I notice they are struggling with something emotionally, as children often do, I try and get them to change their state of mind with a focus on being grateful.
It’s not a magic pill, but it is a formula for success in people young and old. In fact, in the darkest times of my life, if I was able to find even one thing to be grateful for I could change my state and work toward freeing myself from the anchor that was keeping me down. I’ve had my bouts with stress, anxiety, and depression throughout my life, but finding something to be happy about in my life helps make those times easier to bear.
The difficulty of a job is relative to the person doing it. I think many women are naturally maternal and some men naturally paternal. These people seem to be born knowing how to care for their little ones. I love my children dearly, and I’m beyond thrilled being a parent (most days), but I am not naturally paternal and taking on maternal roles (as any D.E.D. must) makes things even more challenging for me. So, is being a mother the toughest job there is? I can’t say, but I know being a D.E.D. is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.
Despite that, it’s also one of the things that makes me feel blessed and truly grateful.
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Originally Published on LinkedIn
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